Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Hide the Decline

My friend David Sconyers just released another song/music video. I wish David well in his new career.

For your convenience, I've linked it here:




Hope you enjoy.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Link

I wish they would've found this thing while I was still there. Some Rhino Satay would've really hit the spot.

Click Here: Rare Rhino on Borneo

Back from Borneo

Shavers, Slicers, Slovenians,

I just wanted to let you know that I arrived home safely. By my count, I was awake for roughly 40 hours. I did take a couple short naps on airplanes. After a full night of sleeping I feel pretty good.

I hope to do a post-Borneo recap later this week, but I fear that my professional duties and apathy might delay me somewhat. However, there is one funny story that I was afraid to post while I was there that I'd like to share with you now. No one in the history of the world has ever enjoyed practical jokes more than me, and I didn't want to end my trip with out playing at least one. Due to the fact that I think my internet activity was being monitored, I waited till now to unveil it.


Devout muslims are required to pray at least six times per day. To pray, you put down your mat facing Mecca, get down on your knees, and put your forehead on the ground. It is important that you face Mecca because a muslim never wants to show the soles of his feet or rearend to Allah.

All mosques are built facing Mecca, so if you are at a mosque or near one, it is easy to determine which way to pray. If you aren't in or near a mosque, and don't know which way to pray, arrows are usually provided for your convenience. In all of my hotel rooms there was an arrow on the ceiling that pointed toward Mecca. That is when I arrived they pointed toward Mecca, when I left they pointed directly away from Mecca.

I take comfort in the idea that right now, on an island on the other side of the world, there might very well be a muslim who while praying, is inadvertantly showing both the soles of his feet and his naughty parts to Allah.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Borneo Files Version 7.0

Sorry I've been too busy to do much blogging the past few days. We've had a really good time here and are getting ready to head home. Our flight leaves at midnight tonight. We will travel for 23 hours and arrive in Atlanta at lunch time time on Tuesday. I'm not promising anything but sometime later this week I might try to add the past couple days worth of photos and do a Borneo recap. More likely, once I arrive back in America I'll refocus my efforts more on hilarity.

Before I leave Borneo, I did promise to tell you the story of the Spy who was sent to track me down. Here it is:

First, Adam’s Razor is embedded with some very sophisticated HTML code that allows me to track the quantity and location of my readers. This helps me fine tune the message so I can continue to give the people what they want. In the past month I’ve received web traffic from nearly every state in the union, but I get very little (NO) international traffic. That is until Thursday or Friday of last week when I got a hit from Slovenia. You may recall my post from that time that detailed how excited I was to have finally attracted an international visitor.

Second, when you are a Freelance Goodwill Ambassador representing the Democratic People’s Republic of America in a foreign land, you can’t be too careful.

Over breakfast, I informed my companions about the hit from Slovenia and then I helped them marvel at how amazing The Razor has become. I was still basking in my own glory a couple of hours later when I realized that I was being followed by a young lady. If there is one thing that I have experience at, it’s being followed by young ladies. Over the years, one of the techniques I’ve developed to take advantage of these types of situations is the “circle maneuver”. The details of the “circle maneuver” are too complex to be explained in detail here, but the basic idea is: if someone is following you, walk in a circle, come up behind them and the followee has become the follower! Got it? From this vantage point it is much easier to decide if you should initiate contact or run and hide.

Words cannot express the level of shock and paranoia that I felt when I discovered that the person following me was an agent of the Slovenian government. As I approached her from behind, I noticed that she was wearing a T-Shirt that said Slovenia on the back. Since she was a highly trained spy, she quickly realized that she’d fallen for the old “circle maneuver” and took evasive action. Not only did she run into a Mosque to hide, but she actually changed into a Burqa in an effort to confuse and disorient me. Unfortunately for her, it didn’t work. Not only did I capture her, but I took this photo to document the curious case:

From misc.


Her story was that she was a citizen of Holland, currently teaching scuba diving courses in Thailand and that she had just come to visit Brunei (and its Mosques) for the weekend. I immediately knew she was lying because she wasn’t wearing wooden shoes or flippers. She claimed that the Slovenia shirt was a gift and that she had no idea why anyone from Slovenia (or anywhere else) would have the least bit of interest in me or my blog.

Because I’m not an official diplomat, the US embassy refused to take her into custody for me. As a result, I was forced to release her here:

From misc.


This whole episode has aroused my curiosity quite a bit. Here are some of the things I would like the Slovenian Government to address:

1. What interest does the Government of Slovenia have in me and my Razor?
2. Why did Slovenia send a blond spy after me? Aren’t they aware that I prefer brunettes?
3. If a brunette spy wasn’t available this weekend, when will one be available?

Of course there is always the possibility that the whole thing was just one big coincidence, but how many Dutch ladies wear random Slovenian T-shirts while touring the Mosques of Brunei the day after The Razor gets a hit from Slovenia? It seems more likely that I was the target of an espionage plot.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Borneo Files, Overtime in Brunei

Well apparently the Sultan really lliked hosting me. I was all set to head back to Malaysia when the biggest storm of the year hit. It doesn't rain for more than an hour in Brunei without the Sultan's consent so I assume he divined this storm to delay my departure.

I have some absolutely fascinating news to share with you tommorow. It's a tale of espionage and counter-espionage. Your favorite blog author was the target of a covert mission initiated by the government of a European nation. Luckily for my readers I was perceptive enough to sniff it out before I was captured. If I ever get back to Malaysia I'll be able to fillll you in on the details. Believe me, you don't want to miss it!


Until next time.

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Borneo Files, Version 4.2

This post is out of order chronologically. The events described and photographed below occured the day before I left for Brunei.

I just noticed that someone from Slovenia checked out the Razor. That's the first international hit not generated by me! I'd love to know how that happened. Oh well.

Makunan Island is one of a cluster of islands located a few miles north of Borneo in the South China Sea. We took a trip over to Makunan to explore and snorkel. I enjoyed it very much. I don't even remember the last time I went diving to sightsee. Long time Razor Readers will recall my (mis)adventures in The Bahamas back in February. It was very relaxing to swim around leisurely and look at tropical fish and coral formations. I'm gonna make a point to do this more often.

Here are the photos (with commentary):



You're gonna love this! When you are in Asia, your computer knows it and when you access websites, it pulls them up in random languages. So when I go to google, blogspot, &c., the text is in Malay. Most of the time it's no big deal. Like you, I know how to run a google search without having to read the buttons. However, I just tried to run spell-check on this post. Every single word except "Brunei" was misspelled. My spell checker is in Malay! As a result, I can't really tell how many words I misspelled. Usually my Mom and Christena catch the ones that I don't, in the meantime, please forgive any typos.

If you want me to send you some screen shots of various websites in Malay, leave a comment and I'll hook you up.

The Borneo Files, Version 6.0

Here's a quick video. This mosque cost 1,000,000,000 Brunei dollars which might seem kind of extravagant but its only 750,000,000 US Dollars.

I've got lots of photos and stuff to put up later but a card game is about to break out.

See ya soon.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Borneo Files, Version 5.1

For the past week, I've been looking all over Southeast Asia for Durian fruit. Unfortunately, all of the local vendors we visited said it was not in season. For those of you not familiar with Durian, it's one of the few things that choked up Andrew Zimmern on Bizarre Foods. It stinks and it tastes way worse than it smells. The people over here love it. I saw people just sitting around eating it.

One of the great things about Brunei is that is ruled by a benevolent Sultan. And when the Sultan of Brunei wants Durian, he has Durian. As a result, we found fresh Durian in a store tonight.

Here is what happened when I tried it:

The Borneo Files, Version 5.0

I've arrived in Brunei. It is a very beautiful country. Very tropical and very luxurious. I should fit in. As I expected, I have better internet access here than I did in Malaysia. Tech-wise, my only concern is my power. I can't find my electrical converter. I fear I may have left it with the rest of stuff, back in Malaysia. We'll see...

With regards to the flight here, I've had taxicab rides that cost more and lasted longer. They didn't even have time to serve a drink. One poor guy went to the bathroom (#2) and wasn't finished when they plane touched down in Brunei. I can only assume who he wasn't eating the same things I've been eating.

We're about to hit the town for the first time. No time table on future slideshows. The memory card Dad gave me with the photos seemed to have a virus, so it's possible I may skip the Island/diving slideshow completely (sorry ladies). With that said, I've already seen some pretty neat things I'd like to photograph. The minarettes (sp?) on the local mosque are plated in gold. I'm told at night they light it up like a roman candle.

See ya soon

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Borneo Files, Version 4.1

Slicers, Shavers, Friends, and Family,

I'm sorry to have to inform you, but the slideshow of yesterdays' festivities has been delayed once again. My Dad bought an underwater camera to document the portion of our holiday that occured below sea level. I don't know if he is trying to develop the photos himself or what, but I don't have them and I'm gonna wait till I get them to do the island slideshow.

You will be interested to hear that while diving, I crashed my head into a large piece of coral. After I got the bleeding stopped, I was able to successfully remove the bits of coral from between my scalp and skull. It probably could've used a couple stitches, but I just rubbed it. Also, I completed the dive. Today it is tender but otherwise, no problem.

We have just finished packing for our trip to Brunei. As you probably know, the Island of Borneo consists of three seperate countries: Brunei, Indonesia, and Malaysia. For the past week we have been in Malaysia. Our flight to Brunei cost about $25 US and lasts less than a half hour.

Brunei is one of the world's wealthiest contries per capita. It is an oil-rich country with only 250,000 residents. As such, I assume I'll have consistent internet access to continue my e-coverage of the journey. If not, I'll be back in Malaysia on Saturday.

Until next time.

The Borneo Files - Mohammed's Revenge

WARNING: DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THE CONTENT OF THIS POST, YOU ARE ENCOURAGED NOT TO READ IT. THOSE OFFENDED HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED.

On Sunday, while hanging out with a member of the Bijou tribe, I was introduced to a a root that is a cure for whatever ails you. As I chewed the root, the tribesmen informed me that I would be immune to the effects of poison and sickness. After chewing the root for a minute my entire mouth, including tongue, was completely numb. I assumed that was how you knew the magic had taken effect.

After I told my companions about my good fortune they were all excited to know that I couldn't not get sick or be poisoned. They ask me if I knew how long the effects of the root would last. I assumed that since the shamen hadn't told me, that it would last for the remainder of my life.

It was actually only effective for two days.

Tuesday morning I met a Sea Gypsy in the fish market. She was carrying a child who was lame. She asked me for a ringit (about 30 cents US). I said "Tidak", which means no. In hindsight, I wish I knew the Malay word for yes. I've unfortuneately answered the age old question of who has strong magical powers a Bijou Shamen or a Sea Gypsy widow.

Tuesday afternoon I was reminded of why I usually travel with Immodium and a 9/16 socket wrench (14MM when traveling internationally). The immodium to fix my plumbing and the socket set to fix the hotel's. (I've had many a violent bout where my bowels weren't the only thing that was loosened.)

In a situation like that there are usually only two things to do: 1. Find the Shamen and get another dose of root, or 2. find the Sea Gypsy and buy a bottle of her tears.

Luckily, I met a western school teacher named Roberta who gave me two Immodium pills and all of the toilet paper from her room. I am pleased to report that 24 hours later I am not only re-hydrated but just enjoyed a nice day hiking and diving at a nearby island (photo's posted later tonight).

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Borneo Files, Version 4.0

I just wanted to give everyone a heads-up that I’m not coming home. I’ve been impacted so much by the people and culture of Borneo, that I’ve decided to stay. America’s culture has finally been exposed to me for what it really is. It produces mouth-breathing morons in backwards baseball caps and pants that fall down; Slurpee-sucking geeks who seldom see daylight; pretentious and earnest hipsters who want you to wear bamboo socks so the world won’t end; women who have lizard tattoos winding from the navel to the nape of the neck; beer-drinking dufuses who pay to watch noisy cars driving around in a circle for 8 hours at a stretch; and an entire race of females, now entering middle age, that speaks in North American Chipmunk and seldom makes a statement without, like, a question mark at the end?

Psych. I’ll be home next week. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve finally adjusted to the time zone and can resume my overwhelmingly verbose sarcastic bombast. And No, I didn't mean the things I said in the previous paragraph, just wanted to remind you of what The Razor is capable of.

Headed to the islands off the coast of Borneo today. Should be a short boat ride followed by lots of swimming and diving. I'll have pictures and video for you later. In the meantime, here is a slide show of yesterdays activities.


Monday, April 12, 2010

The Borneo Files, Platinum Content - Food Review

This post is for Platinum members only, if you are not a Platinum Member of Adam's Razor, please click here: link

If you need to review the guidelines for becoming a Razor Plantinum Memeber, please click here: Adam's Razor Platinum Membership Terms and Conditions

In my last post I mentioned that for supper last night I ate some Goat Satay. I thought as a bonus, I'd list out some of the other unusual things I've eaten while on Borneo.

1. Dried, salted fish - I'm not sure why, but some of the local people believe that the only thing better than fresh fish, is fish that has been salted and left in the sun for a long time. I ate it once on pupose and twice by accident. There is also a salted shrimp variety which makes me glad I'm allergic to shellfish.

2. On Sunday we ate in the home of a Bijou family. They fed us many things for lunch. One course was chicken soup. It was good and the family was very proud because they served yard chickens, not the sterioded up stuff we have in America. They served us fish fried with the head on. I ate some of the cheek meat, but not the eyes. Their version of Cole Slaw was very salty. I thought I was gonna like it, but I couldn't really develop a taste for it.

3. Ate at a Thai restaurant. One of our hosts ordered all of the food, so I have no idea the names of the dishes, but it was fairly tame and very good. They have a " red pepper dipping sauce' at most places here that has a sweet flavor and a little kick to it. I hope to find a bottle to bring home...

4. Yesterday, while at the beach, I bought a bag of boiled peanuts. All the local people were quite impressed that my home was located less than 1 mile from the Peanut Capital of the World Festival. By impressed I mean unimpressed. The boiled peanuts here have the same texture, but no salt. I considered making a suggestion to the peanut cook, but decided against it.

5. With every meal(including breakfast), we either eat lots of noodles or lots of rice. Most of it is pretty good.

6. Last, but not least, my hotel offers a breakfast jelly called "Fruit Jelly". I can't be 100% sure but I'm fairly certain it is Mayhaw jelly originating within 40 miles (75 kilometers for my international readers) of Colquitt County Georgia. Further, I think it could very well have been produced in the kitchen of one Melba Sheffield, however due to slight variations in consistency I am willing to entertain the possibility that that it was made by her sister-in-law Louise.

Here are a couple food related videos for you to enjoy:

Video 1. The Satay Stand - I made this video for Taylor who is a big Satay eater. I've decided to release for Platinum Members. While you are watching, please remember that the narration was aimed at a 7 year old.

The Satay Stand

Video 2. The Fish Market - Lots of interesting fish here.

Fish Market Video

I hope you've enjoyed this Platinum Content Article. Please check back later in the week for the next Platinum Installment: The Borneo Files, Platinum Content- Linguistic Adventures in Malay.

The Borneo Files, Version 3.0

Slight change in plans for the next few days. I'm still gonna do videos, slideshows, &c., but with very little written commetary. If you've been coming to The Razor for a daily dose of hilarity, check back towards the end of April. Too many distractions here to do much writing. Sorry for the inconvenience.

On the other hand, if you want to hear me talk about pictures I just took, you've come to the right place!

Today we hit a couple markets, visited a few museums, and had an all around good time. I ate 20 sticks of Satay for supper, consisting of beef, chicken, and goat.

Here are the photos:

The Borneo Files, Version 2.0

THIS WAS WRITTEN SUNDAY NIGHT, 24 HOURS BEFORE I FINALLY POSTED IT.

Due to exhaustion, I’ve done a pretty bad job of documenting this trip so far. I’m feeling much better today. It’s about 9:00 p.m. and I’ve not only been awake all day, but I’ve felt pretty good. Think I’m finally adjusting to the time zone here.
So our guide picked us up at the hotel around 8:00a.m. this morning. They set up a trip for us to eat in the home of a native family about 1.5 hours from Kota Kinabalu. On the way we stopped at a cool straw market where I picked up a couple of souvenirs. One kinda funny thing happened at the Kota Belud market. Before we arrived our guide said if we see something we like, we should try to pay about 50% of the original asking price. I’m pretty familiar with this process because almost every 3rd world country has similar markets.

So I see some really old ladies making hand woven baskets. I estimate that they could make 2 to 3 baskets per day. I thought I might like to get one for Christena, but I thought they might be kind of expensive. So I ask a lady, “how much?” She responds, “10 ringgits” (which is basically $3 US). Thrilled that I can scoop this thing for such a cheap price, I pay her before she has time to change her mind. When my friends found out I paid full price for something, they ridiculed me unmercifully. They taunted me, called me Joe Kennedy, &c. I said, “Look, she worked on that thing for several hours and she sold it to me for $3. Even if I would have talked her down, there’s no way I could save more than $1.5!” I actually felt bad for paying the lady $3US for something she spent all day on.

So a few minutes later I’m trying to buy a belt. The guy quotes me a price of 20 ringitt ($7 US). I’d be happy to pay full price except I don’t want to be ridiculed. So I offer 15. The man declines and reiterates his price of 20 ringitt. Obviously word had leaked out that the blond idiot from America pays full price for handicrafts. Not willing to be a sucker twice in one day, I let him keep it. The rest of the day I laughed at myself for letting a deal fall apart over less than $2. Oh well.

Here are some photos:

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Borneo Files, Version 1.1

Here are a couple videos I took with my cell phone. For some reason I'm having HTML trouble. These videos should stream directly on this site. I can't get it to work but you should be able to watch them at the links I provided. Maybe Christena or Strowd can figure out what I am doing wrong.

1. A girl in the night market making a drink which I thought was for me until she gave it to someone else.

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/6101857

2. A video of us "enjoying" the drink:

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/6102073

The Borneo Files, Version 1.0

Ok, so the trip over was basically uneventful. I left Dothan around 6 a.m cst. Hit Atlanta around 10:30est. Our plane left Atlanta around 1:00 p.m. and flew directly to Seoul via the arctic. When we arrived in Seoul, our biological clocks were set on midnight but it was actually life 4:00 p.m. Because we traveled west, we had over 24 hours of daylight.
I liked seeing the arctic. We flew due north over Canada for about 7-8 hours until we couldn’t go any further. Then we headed due south over Russia, China, (around North Korea) and into South Korea. The northern part of Canada looks just like the northern part of Russia. I assume that what we flew over in Russia was called Siberia, but I haven’t checked a map yet to confirm. It was kinda wild to fly 600 MPH for at least 9 hours and all the ground we covered was frozen completely solid. Someone should figure out a way to thaw that out. Looked like there was enough land up there to maintain a couple billion more people.
We were only in Korea for a couple hours before we caught our plane for Kota Kinabalu, Borneo. After the 14 hour marathon from ATL to Seoul, I thought this flight would be a piece of cake. I was way off. By the time we landed, got through immigration, retrieved out luggage, and made it to the hotel. I barely unpacked before I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was sure that I’d slept for about 16 hours. My hotel room in Borneo is small, with no windows, and no clock. I’d stayed awake for 30+ hours before crawling into this cave so I knew I’d be down for the count. Wrong again. I slept about 2 hours and then couldn’t get back to sleep. It was probably around 3 or 4 p.m. back home and my body didn’t feel like sleeping. So I tossed and turned for a couple hours and hit the streets around 5 a.m.
My hotel has a nice breakfast and they offer coffee, but none of this is available until 7:00am. So Dad I roamed the streets looking for something to eat. We found a couple places that were open but they wouldn’t take US dollars and no money changers open before 8:30. Finally found a 24 hour ATM that dispensed ringgits.
We ate breakfast twice, and toured a little more of the city. It’s actually not a bad town. Has lots of modern stuff. There are malls everywhere. Although the mall’s kind of remind me of flea markets. They mostly sell designer clothes, purses, souvenirs, DVDs, &c. We ate lunch at a neat outdoor place. It offered almost every kind of Asian food you could imagine.
After lunch I slept for 2 hours. Ate supper at an Italian place and headed over to an outdoor street market. They set this market up every night. This was probably my favorite part of the trip so far. The market looked like something right off of the travel channel. Every vendor was selling crazy food: Dehydrated fish, sardines, shrimp, all types of fruit, &c.
I’m getting pretty sleepy again. Gonna head down to the lobby and try to upload this post and the slideshow and go back to sleep for a while. I’m sorry that this is so poorly written. I hope I adjust to the time zone soon, catch up on sleep, and actually blog something interesting. Until then, I offer this slideshow:

Friday, April 9, 2010

Alive and well

Just wanted to let everyone know that we arrived safely. It is 6:00 a.m. Saturday morning. From the time I got out of bed in Dothan until I laid down to sleep last night was about 30 hours. I slept 5 hours last night and am feeling pretty good right now.

I've got some photos and quick stories to share later, but I'm going to look for coffee now.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

About to head for Asia

Hello Readers,

I'm leaving Dothan at 6a.m. Thursday morning. My plane leaves Atlanta around noon. 14.5 hours to S. Korea, 2 hour layover, 6 hour flight to my final destination. Basically 24 hours in Airports and Airplanes. Due to the time change, it'll be around midnight Friday when we arrive (noon in Alabama is midnight there).

As a result, it will probably be sometime Saturday before I post something hilarious. Please bear with me while I travel to the other side of the globe. The upside is, I won't have anything to do on the airplane but think of ridiculous content for you to enjoy

Tune in often over the next two weeks should be lots of fun.

In the meantime, you might like to go back and reread the posts from late March through April 6th. Like cheese and Christena, they get better with age.

Monday, April 5, 2010

-- Adam's Razor Platinum ® --

Readers,

Due to the massive amounts of hilarity I've produced on this website recently, I've noticed a real spike in web traffic. (The good folks over at blogspot have noticed too. Boy, I'd like to be there server salesman.) As a result, I feel like my site has lost some of its personal touch. For me personally, it's been really difficult to see my baby grow up so fast. It seems like just last month I was only getting 2-3 page views per day. I'm starting to see that this website has been the primary victim of my success.

In an effort to combat the "mainstreaming" of my blog, I'm excited to announce the creation of my new super exclusive blog "Adam's Razor Platinum®". "Adam's Razor Platinum®" is the high-end luxury version of The Razor, aimed at discerning rich personages who are deserving of a more personal experience with the blog writer. Subscribers to "Adam's Razor Platinum®" will continue to have access to the Original Adam's Razor, but also be entitled to access "Adam's Razor Platinum®" where they will be treated to additional content befitting those with a higher station in life.

How do you know if you qualify for "Adam's Razor Platinum®"? I hate to use a cliche, but if you have to ask, you probably don't qualify. However, for your convenience, I've compiled a list of guidelines to help you determine your status.

I. If you are reading this blog from work and your name is not on the building, continue enjoying the Original Adam's Razor.
II. If you are reading this blog at your beach home, and this is your only vacation residence option, you're getting close, but not quite there yet.
III. If you only get necessary surgery, I appreciate your support however, it might be better for you to go here.


On the other hand, if you:

I. Enjoying smearing the eggs of exotic and endangered fish on your breakfast toast, you are to be saluted, and welcome to "Adam's Razor Platinum®!"
II. Spend more money for a set of tires than you pay in monthly salary for your toiletseat-warming butler, proceed to "Adam's Razor Platinum®". Also, you might be interested in this . I just had them installed at my house, and while it hurt to fire Jeeves, he was but one more victim in the technological revolution.

To all of my readers, whether you are rich, poor, or in between (kinda poor), I hope you will continue to visit the version of Adam's Razor that best suits your needs. You can be sure that I will continue to update the Original Adam's Razor as often as something hilarious pops into my head and I am within arms reach of a computer.

THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS FOR PLATINUM MEMBERS ONLY, IF YOU ARE NOT A PLATINUM MEMBER, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

Dear Platinum Members,

I look forward to building a more exclusive and intimate blogger-reader relationship. Until next time, please remember: money cannot buy happiness, but it can buy things that will make us happy.

Friday, April 2, 2010

A link

I noticed that our friends over at The Stroud Blog (here)put up a great article about Che Guevera. Since I've been reading Michael's stuff for nearly a year, and have never seen him mention Latin American thugs before, I'm going to assume that I enlisted him in the campaign. As such, my work here is done. No more anti-commie posts for a long, long, time (those caught celebrating will be taken out back and executed).

In the meantime, I would click the link and check out the article. It's much more articulate than the rambling incoherence I usually produce.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

FAIL

To those kind souls who are awaiting our arrival at Verizon, you might as well head home. There was no way to predict how badly this was gonna go.

Also, if you are in the neighborhood of S Foster Street, I'd appreciate a ride home.

Posted via mobile.

Tonight is the Big Night

From misc.


The Thomas-Browns'




Well, tonight is the big night! Christena Brown's patience and perseverance is finally paying off. After a courtship period that has exceeded 6 months, I'm prepared to take the plunge.

Now, I do not believe in reincarnation, but if I did, I would be wildly curious as to what amazingly good deeds Christena performed in a previous life that qualified her to be my special lady in this one. One can only assume that her feats must've been truly Mother Teresian. How else could you explain fate snatching a young lady from the redneck jaws of Dale County and delivering her to a life of luxury and hilarity with Dothan's Most Eligible bachelor.

There comes a time in every relationship where the participants must contemplate the future. I'm proud to say that I have not only completed my contemplation, but that I've opted for commitment. I've made all of the necessary preparations and am genuinely excited about the implications of tonight's inevitable conclusion.

In typical Adam Thomas fashion, I've planned the evening meticulously, so everything will be absolutely perfect. No expense will be spared and no detail has been left to chance. Here is how tonight's festivities will unfold:

I. To set the mood, we will begin with a romantic candlelit dinner at one of the finest restaurants in town.

II. At an appropriate time, I'll make my pitch. I've rehearsed it in my mind over one thousand times. Practicing every syllable of every word and every dramatic pause for effect, in order that my delivery will be flawless (like our love for each other). It is unfortunate that my readers will not be able to hear the actual delivery of this masterpiece, but for your pleasure and enjoyment, I've re-created it for you here:

Chistena, I never want you to doubt my love for you, and my commitment to you. We have been together for some wonderful times. I know you've grown weary of waiting on me at times, but I want you to know that tonight I'm ready to make a commitment. As a symbol of that commitment, I propose that we finally take the plunge and put both of our cellphones on one plan. As joint subscribers to Verizon's "Nationwide Family SharePlan®" we will be able to enjoy "Unlimited**Talk & Text*" for only $149.99 per month. Also, because the knuckleheads at the local Verizon store don't realize that I no longer work for Wachovia Securities, we will qualify for an additional 25% off. Because you seem to be a little bit more disciplined about paying your bills, I think it would be best if we set it up to automatically draft our monthly payment from your checking account. I believe that everything in a relationship should be split 50/50. Since $149.99 divided by 2 is: $74.995, I want you to know that I promise to give you $74.99 one month and $75.00 the following month. So over the course of the year, it will have the desired effect of us having split the bill exactly 50/50. In the terms and conditions of the Verizon Contract, I noticed that there might be some additional "Taxes, Governmental Surcharges & Fees". If you will provide me a detailed explanation of exactly what this entails, I will remit my half to you. I love you, Adam

III. Assuming that she accepts, and we are able to conclude our meal before 9:30p.m. CST, we will then proceed to the local Verizon store located at 3210 Ross Clark Circle, Dothan, AL 36301. Well-wishers are invited to await our exit from the facility and shower us with rice or the more environmentally-friendly birdseed as we head outside.


WISH ME LUCK!
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