Strange, Strange Day

I spent most of yesterday afternoon trying to rationalize why someone would open a Twitter account for the sole purpose of following people named Adam Thomas. I could probably understand it if she was following her friends, co-workers, bands she likes, and people named Adam Thomas. Just the Adams? No idea.

Around 10:00 p.m., just as I felt my brain beginning to stabilize from the shock of this enigma, I ran into a guy I know named Deion. I've known Deion for a couple of years, don't like him that much, and usually go to great lengths to avoid conversations with him. To be blunt, he has some kind of mental disability, which renders him borderline functional and socially awkward. His speech is usually random and incoherent.

So imagine my dismay, when finding myself in the wrong place at the wrong time, Deion assaulted my already weakened mind, and carefully crafted concept of reality, with this gem:

"Do you know what happens when you travel 300 million light years?"

Saddled with the baggage of a mind that best handles rational thoughts, I was still trying to grasp the full implication of the question when he volunteered the answer:

"When you travel 300 million light years, your future thoughts come streaming right through you, as if from the past."

What?!?!? This new information very nearly knocked me to my knees. Luckily, I just staggered a bit, and responded, somewhat uncertainly:

"Holy Cow Dion, Did you learn that in a book? And if so, can I borrow it?"

Clearly not my best retort, but under the circumstances...

And when I thought the day couldn't get any stranger? Saw a grown man vomit all over another grown man.

Realizing that I couldn't take any more, I went home, crawled in bed, and (taking nothing for granted) prayed that the Sun would come up today. Friday dawned as expected and I look forward to having a very normal weekend. At least as normal as possible given that it's Halloween and the freaks will be out.

See ya

Twitter Mystery, A desperate request, &c.

I'm sure you'll not be surprised to learn that the Razor has tons of followers on Twitter. For those of you not familiar with Twitter, users send out short messages and they are forwarded to anyone who chooses to follow. From time to time I like to wade through the masses and see what kind of people are following the Razor. Something about this particular follower caught my eye:


Jenny Adams (aka jenny_a134)

Sorry for making her photo so small, but in keeping with the authentic twitter feel...
Anyway, I see she is following me and my curiosity (among other things*) was aroused. I definitely don't know her so I clicked on her profile to see if I could figure out where she's from, why she is following me, if she'd like to go to dinner sometime, &c. First I scanned all of her recent tweets. They all seemed to be about physical fitness, offering no clue as to why she's decided to follow me. Still stumped, I clicked on the list of everyone else that she follows (here). Bingo! This young lady follows 69 people named Adam Thomas.


Unfortunately, this new information asks more questions then it answers. Is she on a one woman crusade to whip all Adam Thomas' into shape? Is there a particular Adam Thomas she seeks? Is this the start of a trend where random hot chicks Twitter-stalk everyone named Adam Thomas? (I'm hoping for the latter.)

Bizarre.

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Slicers, I need your help. Time and time again, you have disappointed me by not voting in my polls, not participating in my contests, &c. Today you have the opportunity to redeem yourselves.

As I've mentioned before, I am playing Co-Ed softball this fall. Three weeks ago my team was tied for third place in the city and we were really beginning to strike fear in the hearts of our opponents. However, we've lost 3 out of the last 4 games and are now limping into the playoffs.

What brought about this sudden (down)turn of events? Allow me some back story.

One of my teammates is Shellie McMoy (I changed her name slightly to protect her identity) here is her photo:

This photo is a year old. Our uniforms are not nearly as hideous this year.

Back to the story. Besides being attractive, Shellie is a solid outfielder and pretty good hitter. In fact, I've been please with the performance of most of our females this year. That is until the last 2 weeks. What brings about the change? I've pinpointed it.

The attendance of Shellie's boyfriend, Aaron Bostic.

Aaron is a semi-professional musician, and has not been able to attend any of our previous games due to band practice. The past 2 weeks he has been in the bleachers and has cost us some games.

As I've said before, I'm not superstitious so I'm not implying that he brings us bad luck. The problem is that he is one of the most attractive men on the planet. He is so good looking that he not only distracts our girls, but our pitcher (Danny) walked in 4 runs last week because he couldn't keep his eyes on the field of play. Apparently, I** am the only person who can perform with this hunk in the stands:

We've got girls striking out left and right, my brother-in-law hit two flyballs to the infield, and don't get me started on the fielding errors. Practically my whole team has performance anxiety with this dude in attendance.

This is where you Slicers come in!

I can't take anymore losses (or looks of inadequacy from Christena) so do your part and get this guy out of town. For the love of God, buy his cd's (here), download his ITunes, and book him to Monday night gigs. Call radio stations, forward his music to your friends, do whatever it takes! If we don't get Aaron out on tour before November 8th, our team will be out of the playoffs faster than the Tampa Bay Rays.

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* Before publishing, I got this joke approved by the censors. Blame him, not me, if you are offended.

** While I have only made one out with Aaron in attendance it's only fair to mention that Joe Ard has been jacking out homeruns almost every time he comes to the plate.

College Football Video Awards

It looks like the winner of this years' Iron Bowl is going to have to contend with the Oregon Ducks in the BCS Championship Game. Doesn't exactly strike fear in your heart does it?

In a vain attempt to intimidate the rest of the nation, Oregon made a gangster rap video to support their team. Enjoy:



Dear Oregon,

Good job on the video. If you care for a little unsolicited advice, next year don't draft your 'gangsters' from the AV club. Unless Eminem is enrolled at your school, NO WHITE RAPPERS. While the production value of your video is off the chart, you lose 'street cred' taunting us with a bunch of Frat boys.

Further, I take issue with your premise. Return of the Quack? Doesn't the word "return" imply that you've been there before? Prior to this year no one outside of the Pacific Northwest would've known you even had a team if one of your Quackers hadn't punched a Boise State player in the face!



At least we Auburn fans can cling to 1957...

You've got some smoking hot cheerleaders though. I wouldn't mind comforting a couple of them after the "Random SEC Team Lays a Smackdown on the Rest of the Country Game", also known as the BCS Championship.

In fairness, you're not the only school with hot cheerleaders:


For balance I'll offer this. What do you get when you mix a Tennessee football player with an Auburn cheerleader? Nothing, despite what the Knoxville police blotter says, there are some things that a Tennessee football player won't do.

Sincerely,

Adam

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While researching this post, I was surprised to learn that Auburn University and the University of Oregon formed a partnership to display our National Championship Trophy's together. Here is said display:

Impressive!

Talk of the College Football National Championship would be incomplete without a tip of the hat to the Crimson Tide. By my calculation they have won 51 National Championships and are to be saluted. (How to arrive at 51? They've won 6 or 7 and claim 6 or 7 more. I then awarded them every trophy form 1831 - 1869, the years between the University's founding and the first champion being named. Just because no one in the nation saw fit to crown a college football champion is no reason to penalize Alabama. I'm sure they'd have won most of them anyway.)

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With the Iron Bowl still a month away, it has not yet been determined which team from the State of Alabama will win the National Title this year, but for the pre-game Music Video contest, here are our entries:

The Roll Tide Rap

Tiger Walk

I think it's safe to assume that the team winning the National Title will also take home a Grammy.

Those readers noticing that I plagiarized about half of this post are encouraged to keep that information to themselves.

Refresh No More, The Razor Returns

For those of you who e-mailed me, claiming to have worn out the F5 button on your keyboard, frantically refreshing the Razor in hope that I'd updated my content, I'm sorry, and I have good news. I've received so many similar complaints that my design team and I are in the process of rolling out a new item for the gift shop. The "Official Adam's Razor Replacement Refresh Key" will not only feature the Adam's Razor Logo (coming soon, I promise) but will be guaranteed to offer the performance and durability that the most ardent Slicers demand.

My absence was not caused by a lack of material, for it is election season, but rather stems from an unusually busy work week, culminating in me having been promoted to "Varmint Remover in Chief". Photo:

This opossum had the good fortune of dying behind the Razor headquarters, so rather than being picked apart by scavengers, she'll be immortalized on the Internet (and then picked apart by scavengers)...

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On to (slightly) more newsworthy items, the Wiregrass breathes a sigh of relief this week as one of the area's longest standing feuds seems to have been resolved without any further violence. Of course, I'm referring to District 1 City Commissioner James Reading's battle against political foe Larry Matthews. These two (not so) gentlemen have traded the District 1 seat back and forth 3 times this decade.

A photo of Commissioner Reading:
Prior to this year, their battles have always taken place inside the ballot box, but in August Commissioner Reading decided that the "City of Dothan's National Night Out Against Crime" was not big enough for the two of them. It was at this event that Reading grabbed Matthews shirt and arm and threatened to fight him. Reading was also charged with telling Matthews that he would "whoop his a$$ if he came to the (Dothan City Commission) meetings."

To settle the charges stemming from this incident, Reading agreed to publicly apologize to Matthews and pay him $30 to replace the shirt that he damaged. It is assumed that Matthews will also be allowed to attend the Commission Meetings without fear of being whooped.

As an aside, what kind of self-respecting politician wears $30 shirts? My socks cost more than that... If Reading, or any of the esteemed members of the Commission, get physical with me, $30 will serve as a down payment...

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In keeping with the Razors' theme of supporting politicians most likely to provide us with sex scandals, we wholeheartedly endorse Kristin Davis for Governor of New York. Her qualifications include, but are not limited to, being a prostitute, running a brothel, and having an advanced degree in "supply-side" economics. Here's a video, which shockingly, is safe for work:

I offer my sincere apology to Jimmy McMillan who is also running for Governor of New York. In any other year I would be delighted to support any candidate from The Rent is Too Damn High Party. Besides looking like a black version of President Chester Arthur, Mr. McMillan runs a Karate DoJo. And just how high is his rent? $0 That's right, he hasn't paid one penny in rent for decades (here). A video:

Listen closely to the video. Did you hear that? No, that wasn't the sound of a hungry child's stomach growling. It was the sound of an overly-groomed, elderly African-American Ninja executing a near flawless round-house kick to the dignity of the people of New York.

Nice Gloves.

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$10,000 reward for anyone able to arrange a cage match between Dothan's James Reading and New York's Jimmy McMillan.

Sen. Quinton Ross Jr. Not "Feeling the Love"*

Ready for the next installment of the Razor's "Country Double Crossing" coverage? In case you missed earlier posts, they are available here, here, and here.

This promises to be a shorter than normal post (Slicers caught celebrating will be punished) as we're focusing our coverage primarily on the "Wiregrass Area", preferring to allow the people of Montgomery to ridicule their own politicians without our interference. Hopefully they'll allow us one indulgence as we'd hate to pass this item up.

State Sen. Quinton T. Ross Jr.,representing Montgomery County's Senate District 26

In this article you can read that as a condition of Sen. Quinton Ross being released from jail on bond, he agreed to allow his conversations to be recorded.

Today, he asked a judge to suspend this requirement. Quoting Sen. Quinton Ross, he "doesn't want to have to record his conversations with other elected officials and give them to the federal government." Further, Ross says the recording requirement means he won't be able to "transact legislative business" while recording virtually every conversation.

We here at the Razor do not have an official position on whether Sen. Ross' future conversations should be recorded. Whatever the judge decides is Ok with us. Fortunately for the electorate (and Bloggers) we have previous recordings of Sen. Ross that help us determine exactly what constitutes "transacting legislative business".

For example, in early 2009 Sen. Ross introduced a pro-gambling bill to the floor of the Alabama Senate. In exchange for introducing the bill, he received campaign contributions totaling more than $25,000.

Despite the fact that Sen. Ross did not have to face an election in 2009 and is running unopposed this year, he found that his campaign coffers were running uncomfortably low. As a result, he telephoned pro-gambling "Lobbyist A"** and stated, "that he believed that he deserved (a) campaign contribution because he had sponsored the pro-gambling legislation in the 2009 legislative session, and that he was no longer “feeling the love.”

Another successful transaction! From the federal indictment we learn that "On or about December 27, 2009, MASSEY caused to be issued to ROSS a $5,000 campaign contribution."



For Sen Ross' sake, we hope he is using the proceeds from these "transactions" to hire a good defense attorney or it seems likely that he might be "feeling the love" from his new friends in Cell Block C.

* From time to time, we find it easier to write these blogposts using the majestic plural. You can read more about our (mis)adventures with the "Royal We" here.

**At this point Lobbyist A was cooperating with the Federal Investigation, and is presumably the source of the tapes...

Who Stole My Razor? The Return of Pretension*

So you think it's easy being an internationally acclaimed Blogger? You think it's all Glory and no Guts? Well, you're wrong.

I'll be the first to admit it has it's advantages. I'm out here in cyberspace living the life, cranking out volumes of the sickest satirical content on the net, got a harem of hot females who do my spell checking for me, and tons of faithful Slicers who regard the Razor with an almost a spiritual admiration, believing (misguidedly) that the Lord carves these blogposts onto stone tablets before I upload them onto my site.

It's also true that I wholeheartedly enjoy the admiration that is heaped upon me whenever I log off the computer and venture out into the real world. That is why I try to be understanding when random Slicers stop by my house in the middle of the afternoon and wake me up from my nap to tell me how funny my blog is. It comes with the territory.

What I am having a hard time adjusting to is having my work stolen! I realize that with success comes drawbacks, but when I develop an entirely novel satirical approach and someone steals it, I get enraged. I now know how the good people at Kleenex feel. The term Kleenex has become ubiquitous to the point that it's often used to describe some of that recycled 1-ply crap that feels like 200-grit sandpaper. And the fine people at Xerox? It must suck to have a copy-righted brand name become synonymous with photo-copying and having to listening as secretaries worldwide drone on and on about "Xeroxing this" and "Xeroxing that" all the while using some inferior product.

So what event in the Blogosphere has my temper flaring like a pack of hemorrhoids? (Here) As I've mentioned to you before, I head over to NRO every morning to catch up on the overnight opinion news that has developed. Imagine my surprise when I saw NRO contributor Jonah Goldberg post this:

Ferguson’s Razor
October 16, 2010 10:54 A.M.
By Jonah Goldberg

Andy Ferguson takes a scalpel to Dinesh D’Souza. I think he overstates a couple things and understates some others, but it’s a very engaging read.

Correction: In the original version I wrote “overstates” twice. It’s been fixed above.
Comments 13 E-mail Author About Archive

Do you see what he did there? Ferguson's Razor? Takes a scalpel to? It would appear that so "So and So's Razor" is becoming synonymous with slicing and dicing someone on the Internet.

I beg to differ! I read the entire "engaging read" and am forced to agree with AbeFroman, who said, "I wouldn't exactly call that applying a scalpel." and then continued, "I found Ferguson's argument as unpersuasive as I find D'Souza's thesis uninteresting."

For clarity, Dinesh D’Souza wrote a book about Barrack Obama. The article that Mr. Goldberg refers to as a scalpel was actually a review of the book.

In an age where silence can be deemed complicity, I'm not going to sit back and let "The Razor" get mainstreamed into irrelevance. Going forward all misuse of the term "Razor", specifically with regard to e-viscerations** will be catalogued, violators will be scorned, and grudges will be held.

Those of you who think this might have been a harmless coincidence are encouraged to consider a couple of points. First, I know for a fact that Jonah Goldberg has been to the real Razor. I e-mailed him the link myself. Secondly, In spite of nearly 5 million terabytes of data available on the Internet, the Blogosphere is not nearly as big as you might think. The majority of our web traffic comes from other Bloggers (mainly looking for content to steal) and we are a self-policing group. Jonah has been caught with his hand in the metaphorical cookie jar...

* While researching the Razor for my 100th Blog post retrospective, I realized that this site used to be a lot more pretentious. Today is the first step in returning it to its egotistical glory.

** E-visceration is a term I coined to describe the art of "satirically slicing someone up on the Internet". If I see people using or misusing this term without citing me and my Razor, I will sue them.

The 100th Razor Post

EDITORS NOTE: With very little prodding I convinced Adam to use his centennial blog post to go back in the Razor catalog and reminisce (not so) briefly about some of the memorable moments he enlightened us with over the past 7+ months. I hope you enjoy.

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As the Sun crested the horizon on March 3rd, 2010 a new day, and a new blog, was born. It was a beautiful Spring morning, nature in Alabama was emerging from a long and cold Winter, forests were shaking off their dormant slumber and beginning to bloom, freshly plowed fields foreshadowed the abundant crop to come, the air was thick with the smell of rebirth, and Adam's mind, sharpened by years of cynicism, was ripe for the blogging.

The original post, entitled "The Wristband", while humble in its goals, hinted briefly at the glory to come. As Adam's technological skills and satirical wit were honed over that first month of blogging, the reader began to see shades of the hilarity that could be attained when a tremendous depth of knowledge is combined with an insatiable lust for attention and loosed upon cyberspace without benefit of good judgement.

Join us now, as we allow Adam to narrate us through a brief walk down memory lane...

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First, I would like to thank all of my faithful Slicers, without you, this blog would be pretty much exactly as it is now, just with less readers. The Razor has given me a venue to entertain myself (and hopefully you), document my life and thoughts, &c. It is not an exaggeration to say that I am easily the biggest fan of the Razor.

The Early Posts:


March 2010 was quite literally spent trying to learn how to use Blogger and the other software that I would need to document my trip to Borneo. Learning to narrate slideshows was painfully tedious initially, but by mid-April I was able to generate one pretty quick, allowing my friends and family to share in my experiences abroad.

There is one post from March that needs a little explaining. It is linked here, but it's entire content is reproduced here:

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

For Balance
For sale: baby shoes, never used.
Posted by Adam at 10:05 AM

The previous day I had posted the stories and photos of a fishing trip to the Bahamas (here) and at that time it was easily the longest post I'd ever created. Too long in fact. (As an aside, I get more complaints about the lengths of my posts than any other criticism. I hear you, but don't seem to be able to do much about it.) So "For Balance" I posted the shortest novel ever written. It is by Ernest Hemingway and you can read more about it here. It was intended as a joke, funny only to me.

April 1st brought perhaps my funniest post to date (peaked early!) the faux proposal (which can be found here). The rest of April was consumed by the trip to Borneo. Until today, I had not gone back and read any of those posts or watched any of the videos. I found this video hysterical. While watching this video, keep in mind that I was extremely jet lagged, having slept only a few hours over the course of several days...



Like I said, until today I had not gone back and read any of the Borneo files. Upon review, some of them are actually kind of interesting. I'll repost one more Borneo video. Here's the back story: I was hungry and walked into KFC to buy chicken nuggets and a Coke. As I exited the restaurant, the Muslim call to prayer began. For as long as I live, I'll never forget how surreal it was to be eating US style chicken and drinking Coca-Cola, in the Kingdom of Brunei, while thousands of Muslims streamed past me, heading for prayer time at the Mosque, the haunting voice further enhancing the experience. Strange, strange feeling.

So I conceived of this video and asked my Dad to film me. Here is what was supposed to happen: 1. Eat Chicken, 2. Drink Coke, 3. Quote, "It's call to prayer time in Brunei, I had to make a call for the Colonel (pronounced kernel for those of you in Dale County)."

Unfortunately, this particular box of chicken was pretty stubborn. Initially, I couldn't shake a piece out and when it finally came out it took significant acrobatics to get it in my mouth. I then panicked, and botched the "call to prayer" portion of my quote. Making matters worse, my Dad didn't know the video was supposed to be over. Realizing I completely botched it, I just wanted him to stop filming. At the end you'll see me signal for him to kill it.

As you (re)watch this video, listen to the prayer coming from the Mosque, but more importantly, watch as I screwed up virtually every aspect of the performance.



The Razor Evolves:

It took me all of May to recover from my trip and get caught up at work, so Slicers were only forced to read 3 posts during the entire month. The Razor really hit its stride in June when we were inundated with political sex scandals to lampoon. Further, I'm quite proud of the E-viscerations I put on my Dad (here) and brother-in-law (here) in honor of their birthdays.

For the sake of brevity, I'll not repost much of this content, but will mention that I think these posts rank somewhere between very funny and insanely funny.

My formula for writing the Razor is quite simple. I think of a funny sentence and then do all sorts of mental gymnastics to write a page full of convoluted nonsensery that I can then embed my funny sentence into. With that in mind, I'll conclude with my "Top Ten Sentences"* and link the corresponding post, if you care to review...

10. The victims testimony should be interesting, and repetitive. From this post, where I wrote funny one-liners for all the headlines on that days Drudge Report.

4. Late at night, you can often find him in front of his TV watching an old VHS tape of the 1991 National Peanut Festival Calf Scramble where he grabbed a heifer and wrestled it across the finish line victoriously. Ironically, this is the same method he used to marry my sister. - From the birthday bash I put on Stevie (here).

3. If you only get necessary surgery, continue enjoying the Original Adam's Razor. - From my favorite post, "Adam's Razor Platinum®", detailing who qualifies to receive Platinum content.

2. I know Mrs. David is an advocate of buying "Carbon Offsets" to counteract her energy use. I wonder if there is anywhere she could purchase some "Disgusting Offsets"? From this post, discussing the affair between avid environmentalists Al Gore and Laurie David.

1. In South Carolina, showing pornography to a registered voter is called campaigning. - From this post, regarding Alvin Greene's pending charges.

Bene, cum Latine nescias, nolo manus meas in te maculare.

* Upon review, there was not a large enough quantity of high quality material to complete a conventional "Top Ten" list. So I used the Quinary (Base 5) mathmatical system to complete the task.

Alvin Greene, Fun with FWD:

Did you watch “Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell” on MSNBC last night? Neither did anyone else. Except for me.

After leading my softball team to two glorious victories, taking 4th place in a poker tournament, beating two of my best friends in a heated match of Golden Tee, and eating an after midnight supper at Taco Bell (XXL Chalupa), I came to the realization that, while it was primarily heartburn induced, I was the only person still awake. As penance for my misdeeds, I sentenced myself to watching the late night news programs...

Which for a political satire blogger is like being thrown into the proverbial briar patch.

You might remember the posts I wrote in June (here's one) concerning the sordid politics of South Carolina. Specifically, I hope you'll recall the curious case of Alvin Greene.

Alvin M. Greene, is the Democrat running for Senate in South Carolina who won his parties nomination despite not campaigning at all. He never gave a speech, he didn't start a Web site or hire consultants or plant lawn signs. Indeed, the unemployed military veteran could not name a single specific thing he'd done to campaign. Yet more than 100,000 South Carolinians voted for him, handing him nearly 60 percent of the vote and a resounding victory over Vic Rawl, a former judge who has served four terms in the state legislature.

In the general election next month he will face Jim DeMint. Last night he was interviewed on “Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell” and I was lucky enough to see it. In the history of bizarre political interviews, this one is up there with the weirdest of them:



Shame on Jim DeMint for starting the recession.

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Fun with FWD:

I'll assume most of you have received a text message that starts off FWD:, and is then immediately followed by the original message. For those of you not text savvy, if you get a text message and want to share it with a friend, you can forward it. The recipient knows it is a "forward" because of the FWD at the beginning.

A couple years ago I developed a FWD: prank technique and I thought I would share it with you now. To successfully utilize this technique, all you must do is type FWD: and then a funny message. Here's a good example:

My friend Jack (not his real name) and his girlfriend Jill (not her real name) broke up with each other after dating for a couple years. Having significant experience in the breakup department myself, I knew how much he was hurting. In an effort to cheer him up, I sent him this:

FWD: Hey, I guess you heard Jack and I broke up. What are you doing this Friday night?
Jill

While hilarious, this is not the first of my pranks to backfire, nor the first one to result in a domestic altercation. While I laughed out loud at my joke, my enthusiasm was somewhat tempered when I learned of the verbal assault that descended on poor Jill.

To continue the Slicer participation theme that the Razor has adopted lately, you are encouraged to attempt a "FWD:prank" and detail it for our enjoyment in the comments section.

A Book, A Streaker, &c.

I'm writing this post with one metaphorical arm tied behind my back. I'm tackling it as a mental exercise. At the very end of the post I'll share what will make it so difficult.


Over the weekend President Obama attended a campaign rally in Pennsylvania. Just as his speech was ending, someone threw a book at him. Photos:

And a close up:

As I go to press, it is unclear what the book was or who threw it. I'm sure the Secret Service is working around the clock to answer these questions. In an effort to help them with their investigation, I offer a few thoughts*.

• We can be pretty sure that it's not a copy of the Constitution, or Obama would have trampled on it.


• It was probably not thrown by a Member of Congress as nothing comes out of Congress at less than 1000 pages Further, the book doesn't appear to be pornography.


• It wasn't thrown by Cam Newton. He would've seen the Secret Service were playing Cover 2 and ran with the book.


• It wasn't thrown by Stephen Garcia, he would surely have hit the President.


• The book didn't belong to Sarah Palin. Not enough pictures.

In related news, this dude won $1,000,000 for streaking the same campaign event: From this article: Billionaire shipping tycoon Alki David offered to pay the sum to the first person who ran nude in front of Mr Obama with the word “BATTLECAM” - the name of his website - across his chest.

And the winner is? Juan James Rodriguez - Whenever I see a Latino in handcuffs, I assume he was detained for harvesting produce without a Green Card. In this case, it looks like the only "produce" involved was Senor Rodriguez own "twig and berries"... It's also possible that his middle name (James) indicates he is not an illegal immigrant.

I'd always thought that when I finally wrote a blogpost containing the words streaking, website, and chest, it would be less disgusting. Oh well.

*Creative Slicers are encouraged to use the comments section of this post to add to or improve upon my list of book jokes.

And the self-imposed handicap? Writing a funny post about the book episode without using any variation of the phrase "throw the book at him". I met at least one of those goals...

A Nobel, A Wedding, A Chain E-Mail, and Bizarre Math

If your linked here to read the "Country Double Crossing" coverage, do not be alarmed. Just scroll down to the photo of George Jones calling out Bingo numbers.

We are interrupting our corrupt politician coverage to bring you a more typical Razor post. Besides misspelled words, what exactly constitutes a typical Razor post? A little sarcasm, a little human rights, and lots of miscellaneous.

First, the GREAT news: Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Here.

Liu, 54, is in prison for helping to organise and disseminate a document called Charter 08, which called for sweeping political reforms in China, including the freedom of assembly, freedom of expression, and freedom of religion.

If you want to learn more about Xiaobo click here, here, or here.

About once every 10 years or so, the Nobel Committee gets it right. In 2010 they hit a homerun.

For the sake of brevity I won't dwell on the Chinese political situation in this post (you're welcome). Before we leave this topic however, a few comments directed to the leaders of China:

• Thank you for lending us $1,000,000,000,000 (that's 1 Trillion), we really needed it.
• Good job on moving 500,000,000 out of subsistence farming into an emerging middle class over the past 2 decades.
• Thank you for manufacturing high quality textiles and electronics at remarkably low prices. Without you, most of the things we buy would be significantly more expensive.
• Finally, a request. Allowing your people to emerge as a middle class is a start, but it would be nice if they could express themselves, gather, and worship however they like without fear of being tossed in prison.

We'll come back to this topic later...

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10/10/10 - Three perfect 10's on one day.

What better way to celebrate than to get married (here)? All around the world, the attraction of saying 'I do' on an unforgettable date has sparked a massive rush by couples to organize their big day for the 10th day of the 10th month of the 10th year of the century.

One of my best friends got married on 7/7/07 and that seems to be working out pretty well.

I, however, am not a numerologist. To fully declare my independence from superstitions involving numbers, I intend to get married on 13/13/13. The bride is to be determined (Christena does have the inside track), but the date is set. I will not compromise on this issue. Please mark your calendars accordingly, I would like you to be there to celebrate this sacred occasion.
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Warning: There is a ridiculous chain email going around that says something like this:

An interesting fact about OCTOBER 2010:

This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years.

Hogwash!

Oh how quickly we forget January 2010! And what about July of next year? So if you got/get this email and are concerned about not forwarding it and getting stuck with bad luck, fear not. Rather than forward it, hit reply and tell the sender:

"Dear Idiot,

This not so interesting occurrence happened just 9 months ago and will happen again next July. It seems more likely that you only use your brain once every 823 years.

Your friend,

(insert your name here)"

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How about a little more fun with numbers?* Let's see if any one besides Stevie can follow this through.

Just above I mentioned the date 10/10/10. This is one of the few six digit dates (October 1st, 2010 is another) written entirely in binary code. For those new to the Razor, a binary code is any system of representing text or computer processor instructions by the use of the binary number system's two-binary digits "0" and "1".

Removing the forward slashes, we're left with 101010. In binary code this represents the number 42 (it's true, look it up).

6₁₃ x 9₁₃ = 42₁₃

Your eyes are not deceiving you! In base 13, 6 times 9 equals 42.

Impressive right? I took Sunday's date, converted it to binary, flipped over to base 13, and the subscripts of the corresponding multiplication problem represents my wedding date!

Romantic!

Aut disce aut discede



*I'm sorry for doing this, but I'm still experiencing higher than normal web traffic on my site. Surprisingly, I prefer blogging only for my friends and family. If that mathematical nonsense doesn't run the new people off, I don't know what will.

Continuation of the Double Crossing Coverage

If you are new to the Razor and came for the "Country Double Crossing" coverage just scroll down a little bit. You're looking for the post from Tuesday.

Those of you who are return Slicers will be delighted to here that I was once again featured on XNN News. This marks my 2nd appearance on the show. The first can be found here. Today's interview is embedded for your convenience:




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As stated in the video, the hits on this website have skyrocketed. Due to the poor quality of the content on this site, I doubt many of our new visitors will be back. Even so, it is nice to know that (at least for a few days) someone besides my Mom is reading this.

Not all of the reviews have been good. Steve C. at wiregrasslive.com called it a "3rd rate trash blog". If he thinks he's the first person that thought the Razor was a crappy blog, he is way off!

And then there was this quote, which made me laugh until a cried: "Just what the Wiregrass needs. Another blogger, and one that looks like Ricky Shroder." Good stuff!

Fortunately, that didn't end the Ricky Shroder comments. But first some back story. At the top of this page you will see a link entitled "Friends of the Razor". I hadn't clicked on it in so long that I'd forgotten what I'd written. When I made that page, the pictures I used for Christena and Cindy are remarkably similar. To make it look like they got to choose their photo I wrote:

"BTW, what is it with these Dale County Girls and their Glamour Shots? When I asked everyone to submit a picture for a feature on the Razor, their was no way to predict that the sisters would both opt for "leaning against a wall". Must be hereditary."

Someone took this "leaning against the wall" phrase and hit a homerun. It is here:


Not only does it look like a more attractive version of me, but he is indeed leaning against a wall. My hats off to the fine people at Wiregrass Live...

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On Tuesday I mentioned the "1,000,000 minus 999,992 Man March" that took place in Dothan in support of Harri Anne Smith. Would you like to see a photo from the event? They are leaning against a wall:

According to the Blogger spellchecker, the correct spelling for corruption does indeed include 2 "R's". I assume this young lady was making a political statement against using superfluous R's (or maybe bob Riley?). I don't know.

In case you can't read the text of the "Marlboro Man's" sign, it is:

"$$$$ will not hyjack my state"

Spellchecker was not as friendly to "hyjack"...

Please remember that these two individuals, who are protesting against corruption, are there to support Harri Anne Smith. I suppose a lesson in Irony is probably not appropriate...

Country Double Crossing

For those Slicers not living in Alabama (and those Alabamians who only read the sports section), yesterday 11 people were charged with bribery, graft, and all sorts of corruption while trying to legalize electronic bingo in Alabama. You can read about it here. For the purposes of this blog, we'll focus primarily on the head guy behind the local bingo parlor (Country Crossing) Ronnie Gilley, his country music/celebrity investors, and our local state legislator, Harri Anne Smith.

The basics of the conspiracy were that the Casino owners would "provide and offer to provide campaign contributions, campaign appearances by country music celebrities, political polls, media buys, fundraising assistance, offers to pay money to opposition candidates in return for their withdrawal from races, and other things of value, to incumbent legislators and candidates for election to the Legislature, in return for supporting the business interests of the Casino owners by promising to vote for pro-gambling legislation.

Slicers noticing that previous paragragh is not constructed in my usually perfect prose will take comfort in the fact that I copied and pasted it from the Federal Indictment which can be found here.

In addition to offering incentives to legislators who toe the line, Ronnie Gilley is quoted as having said (wiretapped cell phone), “We’re gonna support who supports democracy. And the motherf***** who doesn’t support democracy get ready to get their f****** a$$ busted.”

I think it's safe to assume that "supporting democracy" in this instance means selling your vote to Mr. Gilley. Not quite what Thomas Jefferson had in mind...

Can you stomach one more Gilley quote? (if not, skip ahead a bit!)

“’Course at this point the way we’re spending money, I don’t, I, I say just go ahead and do it, and if he damn don’t vote for us, we’ll kill his a$$, we’ll, we’ll, or we’ll f*** up the results in the poll and put him out to press.”

How delightful! That looks like a death threat.

There are a few more heart-warming quotes from Mr. Gilley but I'll spare you the pain. It is interesting to note that there would be more Gilley quotes available but the Feds had a hard time wire tapping him because he "changed the phone out every three days.”

A new cell phone every three days! In hindsight, he probably should have changed it out every day or multiple times per day.

The indicted will get their day in court. They'll get an opportunity to defend/explain themselves. The Constitution guarantees them due process. However, in the court of public opinion:



"String em up!"

While I was reading all 65 pages of the Federal Indictment, I was thinking, "I'll probably be the only one who reads this." Wrong again. Virtually everyone I've talked to has read some or all of the document. The general consensus? Don't look good...

However not everyone is convinced. Yesterday a rally in support of Harri Anne Smith was held in Dothan and an astonishing 8 people showed up. Which is roughly 8 more than I would have expected.

From a Dothan Eagle article covering the event (which can be found here), we'll focus on a couple quotes. I don't know any of the people quoted, I'll assume they are good people, if not the best critical thinkers...

“I have not (read the indictment), but she's done so much for the community,” said Sara Dunn, an Ozark resident. “I know her values. She's a Christian. She's a lady of her word.”

Her "word" happens to be for sale to the highest bidder.

“She stands up for the people, so I'm standing up for her,” said Liz Pike, an Enterprise resident.“All her life, she's stood up for people. She likes helping people, and I don't believe she's guilty of all this stuff. I think people are gonna stand up for Harri Anne even more, and they’ll realize she’s been railroaded into something she's not guilty of.”

So in 2008 when she introduced anti-bingo legislation, she was "for the people" and then in 2010 when she attempted to introduce pro-bingo legislation, she was also "for the people". It seems to me that the hundreds of thousands of dollars that she received in the interim might help explain this flip-flop and prove that she is "for whatever is best for Harri Anne".

Rhonda Gay offers this: “I just really think (Task Force on Illegal Gambling John) Tyson and the governor got together and have trumped up these charges,” she said. “Harri Anne would have to come to me and tell me she's guilty for me to believe it.”

I know the indictment is 65 pages long, but do you think you might at least skim through it? Match up the dates of the conversations with the dates she cashed checks. Mind if O.J. drops by late one night and tells you he's guilty?

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That's all I have time for today, but before I check out, I have a confession to make.

You might remember back during the summer I wrote a hilarious blog post supporting Chick-fil-a when the the local restaurant and its "entrepreneur" were being attacked by County Commissioner Taylor Barbaree. You can do yourself a favor by (re)reading it here.

I only change my cellphone # whenever I want to dump a girlfriend without telling it to her face. I prefer for her to just kinda figure it out slowly. With that in mind, I'm certainly not willing to make the commitment of changing my cell out every three days, and I fear that I might be the target of a Federal Investigation.

In an effort to head off an expensive investigation I'm offering a full confession right here on the Razor.

1. I was employed by Chick-fil-a from August 1994 through April 2006. A fact that I had not previously disclosed...
2. Yesterday, the "entrepreneur" gave me a free Chicken Sandwich.

When I wrote the blog post in question, I had not talked to the "entrepreneur" about the situation. After it was published, he sent me an email thanking me for my support. I have noticed that since that time, whenever I ask for Polynesian Sauce, I get 2-3 packs instead of 1 like everyone else (which I assumed was a coincidence). Yesterday was the first time I've ever received free food from them.

I will no longer be writing supportive stories of Chick-fil-a and I promise to disclose upfront any consideration I receive for writing various blog posts.

It is my hope and prayer that this situation has not yet escalated to the level of actual crime. When the prison's were full of rapists and murderers, I wasn't really that concerned with going there. However, the thought of having to share a cell with a politician, is more than I can bear.

Slammer Jam 2011

In an Adam's Razor exclusive, I am able to offer video from Bama Jam 2011! Hosted by Ronnie Gilley w/ guest appearances by Lil Wayne, Lindsey Lohan, and a host of other incarcerated celebrities, Bama Jam 2011 promises to be one hot ticket.




Act now before the spots fill up! Advance tickets are now on sale for the low, low price of 1 felony or 3 misdemeanors, whichever you prefer. Tired of paying $5 for a bottle of water and $8 for a hot dog at music festivals? No problem. In addition to your food and drink, lodging is included in the admission price.

Concert goers will also be given the opportunity to give money to Harri Anne Smith. By "given the opportunity" we mean if you don't give, they will "do everything they can to take your a$$ out."*

In addition to the concerts, Bama Jam 2011 will include non-electronic Bingo. Unfortunately, winners will be paid not in cash, but in cigarettes.

A strict dress code will be enforced throughout the weekend.

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This is not the official Adam's Razor post concerning these Federal Indictments. Just wanted to buy myself some time to do it up right. Check back soon.

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*This is a direct Ronnie Gilley quote (and one the cleaner things he said) taken from page 11 of the Federal indictment, which can be found here. As a word of warning, this document contains more profanity than the comments section of my misguided "Slicer participation post" of last week.

You laugh, you lose

In my defense, I clearly stated that Wednesday's contest had a good chance of being a "crash and burn" situation. In an effort to end the contest I'm throwing up today's post as quickly as possible. Before my Grandma learns any more new words...

Thank you to everyone who participated in the contest, and an extra round of thanks to those who didn't forget that the Razor is a "family friendly" blog. Geez.

The winner was Anonymous with this entry:

3. "Toilet Paper Bandit" faces jail time....Yeah, I'm guessing "stole some toilet paper" is not the answer he will be giving cellmates to the question "what you in for".

Stevie would've won with his entry, but my gift shop doesn't offer T-Shirts in XXL. Oh well...

Mr. (or Mrs.) Anonymous, please send me your name and address along with some notarized proof that you're the "Anonymous" who left that message and I'll get your shirt right out to you.

Here is a series of photos and .gifs designed to make you laugh. Make it to the bottom without laughing, you win.

UPDATE: This post originally contained about 15 embedded .gifs. People falling, animals doing funny stuff, &c.

However, it was making it nearly impossible to pull up the Razor from wireless devices, so I deleted all that content.

Sorry

Have a good weekend.