Slicers, I have some very important news to share with you. I have been asked to take part in the "Digital Life Sacrifice" organized by Alicia Keys to raise money for her charity, Keep a Child Alive. The premise is that we plan to sign off (Die in a Digital Manner) of all social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter on Wednesday, which is World AIDS Day. We participants will not sign back on until the charity raises $1 million for AIDS research.
In addition to the Razor, other participants in this farce include Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Jennifer Hudson, Ryan Seacrest, Kim Kardashian, Elijah Wood, and Serena Williams. So tomorrow when there is an empty void in your soul that can only be filled by short text messages (or mindless Facebook posts) from famous people, remember to head over to "Keep a Child Alive" and donate some money. It is my personal hope and prayer that the initiative stalls at $999,999.99. Thus raising the maximum amount of money for this worthy cause while still ensuring that we never have to read messages like this gem from Lady Gaga:
@ladygaga: It is a promising morning when your eyelash falls in your Folgers.
Don't you hate when that happens?
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Discerning Slicers might notice that I am only partially committed to the project as I do not have a Facebook Page, and must needs only remain silent on the Razor and Twitter. You are to be saluted for your attention to detail, but there is a perfectly good reason I don't have Facebook.
Facebook is run by communist control freaks with little to no sense of humor.
Many of you may have used MySpace before you migrated to Facebook. If so, this picture will look familiar to you:
That's Tom. Everyone's first Myspace friend. When joining Myspace, all users are automatically listed as Tom's friend. Too lazy to look up his current count, but at one time he had a couple hundred million friends.
Back to my story of Facebook being run by commies, I noticed that there was a mass exodus from Myspace and everyone was landing at Facebook. Sensing an opportunity for hilarity, I used Tom's photo and set up a Facebook page for the Myspace guy. After researching his birthdate, hometown, &c. I was ready to go. I tweeted my own wall and the walls of others every 15 minutes for three days. Examples of my wall posts:
Facebook sux. I have 300,000,000 friends at Myspace and here I only have 12.
Man, Facebook sux. I can't even embed music on my wall. How am I supposed to express my individuality?
The girls over at Myspace post way skankier photos. Facebook is for losers.
After a couple days of antics, Stalin (or whichever commie is running Facebook) shut down my account and sent me a nasty e-mail. Apparently, it is a violation of their Terms of Service to open an account in someone else's name, speak truth to power, or have any fun at all. So I'm done with Facebook...
With apologies to the Pilgrims, I'm saving my warm and heart-felt Thanksgiving Day post for next year. Since this is the last blogable day before the Iron Bowl, I wanted to catch my international Slicers up on the intense rivalry between The Auburn Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide.
Auburn comes into Fridays contest undefeated and ranked #2 in the BCS standings. Our arch-rivals, The Tide, fresh off an undefeated campaign themselves, will host us in a showdown scheduled to kick-off at 1:30 p.m. cst on Friday, November 24th. In last years' Iron Bowl, we tried to play the role of spoiler, hoping to hand the Tide their 1st loss of the season, thus ending their National Championship hopes. Alas, it was not to be. They defeated us, and everyone else on their schedule, en route to winning the BCS Trophy.
This year the roles are reversed. We have National Championship aspirations and Alabama, having lost twice, hopes to ruin our season. So it's set-up to be one for the ages.
For background, allow me to introduce the two head coaches. When Alabama Headcoach Nick Saban and Auburn Headcoach Gene Chizik were announced as the new hires at their respective schools, an impromptu pep rally broke out to greet them* upon their arrival at the airport. Here is the footage:
Nick Saban
Gene Chizik
Is it safe to say that we Auburn fans were a bit less enthusiastic? Need more evidence? Here:
Collette Connell, the co-star of this video, was arrested for DUI while leaving the event. Luckily, her license was only revoked for 3 years so she got it back in time to visit Wal-Mart to see Alabama's National Championship Trophy earlier this year. If you weren't able to make it to Wal-Mart, here is what you missed:
I would imagine that if Auburn were to win the trophy this year, we'll display it at a John Deere dealership... ---
My past attempts at writing poetry for this blog have been, to be kind, poorly received. As a result, I've decided to retire my own Iambic Pen(tameter) and copy and paste a poem written entirely by someone else. (boy, was that a cumbersome attempt at a poetry joke!) Here it is**:
Twas the Night before the Iron Bowl, when all through the land, The media were searching for one eighty grand. Cam wasn’t worried, he had not even a care, The only thing puzzling him was, “Who is this Bear?”
The bams were all laughing and full of themselves, Each one convinced there would be something else. Thayer and Schlabaugh had broken the news, And Finebaum was convinced there must be more shoes.
When out of the east, there arose a great fuss, As each Auburn player made his way to the bus. On toward t-town the driver did go, It was just about time for Cam to put on his show.
Their plan was failing and lies being exposed, As Cam rode on the bus and peacefully dozed. When what to their wondering eyes should appear, But their miniature coach, awestruck with fear.
Standing five feet tall, a lively ole prick, I knew in a moment it must be Lil’ Nick. Curse those “War Eagles” his minions they came, And he snorted and snarled as he called them by name.
“Now, Thayer! Now, Finebaum! Now Schad and Schlabaugh! On Herbstreit! On Holtz! Yes! You’ve assisted the cause! To ESPN, Fox News and them all, Now bash away, bash away, bash away all.
We must tell more lies about cheating and cash, Or pray to The Bear that their team bus will crash. They are almost here and I don’t have plan. No one has stopped him, he just ran and he ran!
I have watched so much film and I’ve plotted and schemed, But he is much better than I ever had dreamed. He zigs and he zags and I swear that he flies, He does things on the field ne'r seen by my eyes.
We will not stop him, like so many before, They will move the ball at will and easily score. Our fans will be furious and then start to clamor, When Cam jumps in the crowd and leads the reverse “rammer jammer”.
So off to Dallas I will run as fast as I can, And meet with Jerry Jones, since he is the man. I will leave bammer hanging and holding the bag, Merry Christmas you rednecks, now print that on bamamag.
--- My prediction for the final score? Auburn 38, Alabama 21.
War Eagle and Roll Tide!!!
--- *Technically, the Auburn Airport video does not include Chizik. Rather it is the greeting Athletic Director Jay Jacobs received upon return from hiring Chizik. In adherence with Razor Rule #1, (never let the truth get in the way of a post) I've taken the liberty of assuming that idiot was booing Chizik.
**Vast portions of this poem are lost on anyone not intimately familiar with the "Cam Scam". Allegations that our best player is ineligible due to a pay-for-play scheme. Sorry, I didn't write it and whoever did, surely wasn't intending it for "mass consumption"...
I am pleased to announce that Christena Brown has once again agreed to perform her function as Adam Thomas Gift Giving Coordinator. Ms. Brown comes to us with an extensive resume and very impressive credentials in various organizational fields.
Some of her past accomplishments include:
Planning my entire life for the past 4+ years minute by minute.
An attention to detail that is both mind-numbingly mundane and remarkably exhaustive in its application.
It occurs to me that many of you may not be familiar with the function(s) or standard operating procedure of the Adam Thomas Gift Coordination Department. Allow me a second to explain. As my friends and followers are distributed throughout the globe, there was a high level of concern, among the givers, that many of their gifts may be inadvertently duplicated. I heard your complaints, and developed a procedure to avoid any unnecessary duplicity. Please rest assured that The Gift Coordination Department was created, not to add an unnecessary level of bureaucracy, but to enhance and expedite your gift-giving experience. This program has been in place since 2008 for both Christmas and Birthdays and all kinks in the system have been worked out.
Instructions to the Giver:
Extensively review the Adam Thomas Christmas List.
Once you have determined which gift(s) you would like to purchase, submit your request(s) to Ms. Brown.
Await notification from Ms. Brown.
After receiving all of your submissions, Ms. Brown will catalog and categorize the entries, and inform you of your gifting responsibilities.
You are encouraged to submit your top three gift requests in the order of your preference. In the event that multiple givers wish to provide the same gift, Ms. Brown will assign the gift based on her sole discretion.
Some of the factors Ms. Brown will consider when making her determination may include (but are not limited to): packaging and presentation, the inclusion of a card with the gift, and the spirit of the giver. With this in mind, it is important that when submitting your request, you include the details of your packaging plans (wrapping paper, gift bag, etc.) and why you feel you should be awarded one of your first two choices. In some instances, Ms. Brown reserves the right to request more information or clarification on specific details of your presentation.
All gift submissions should be provided to Ms. Brown no later than 4:00 p.m. CST on Wednesday, December, 1st 2010. Assuming that no gift-specific conflicts arise, you will be notified of your gift assignment on or before Tuesday, December 7th, 2010, providing you with 18 shopping/shipping days to acquire your gift.
--- Adam Thomas' Christmas List 2010 Version 1.0
The Age of Deleveraging by Gary Shilling. In the good old days all Kindle books were $9.99. Not any more. Time for a Slicer to step up and subsidize my reading habit.
Subscription to Stratfor. Stratfor is like a private CIA. Their work is required reading for those wishing to keep a finger on the pulse of the world's geopolitics.
Gift Card from Charles Tyrwhitt. The British make the best suits and shirts. There is not a close 2nd.
Ticket to the BCS Championship Game. With two tough matchups left, there is always the possibility that the Auburn Tigers won't be competing in this event. You'll be forgiven for waiting until 12/5 to make this gifting decision.
Rubber Mulch Tree Ring - Due to volume pricing on trees and poor decision making by me, I need about 200 of these things.
Ed Hardy Hoodie - The required wardrobe for all pretentious hipsters...
Sharpie Liquid Pencil - The folks over at Sharpie have apparently decided that something like the pencil–an invention that has existed as a graphite/lead-based writing implement for time immemorial–needed reinventing. The liquid pen(cil’s) tip is a super-fine 0.5 mm, giving it the same precision of a mechanical pencil.
IPad - I was writing my novel with a pencil. Not finishing it till someone gets me one of these.
I would like all of my gifts wrapped in this paper.
Finally, unbeknowst to you, when you visit the Razor, your IP address is recorded. I've kept an extensive log of my Slicers personal information. If Ms. Brown does not receive your submission by 12/01/10, a gift will be assigned to you. Thanks for your cooperation.
If there was ever a Razor post that you Slicers had my permission to skip, this is it. Today's offering is aimed at motivating thestrowd to return to his blogging ways. The last thing he posted on either of his blogs was in July and was a video of his wife cutting grass. This football season has taken quite a toll on Michael. Watching his team win all of its games (so far) was nearly more than he could bear. Further, he appointed himself "Facebook Guardian of the Tiger Legacy", which has caused not only mental anguish for himself, but may very well split his family right down the middle. Those of you who decide to read my open letter to the Strowd may very well take issue with some of the things I say about various fanbases. Your comments will not be well received. In my lifetime I've seen every school in our conference engage in more acts of classlessness than I care to document on this blog. Attempts to persuade me that your school/team/fanbase is better than mine, will fall on deaf ears. Rather, I've accepted the fact that all schools have a great many "fans" that they'd be better off without. Whichever school you've chosen to follow, I salute you for your passion and look forward to seeing you on the field. I'm also open to receiving good-natured "ribbing" when you team defeats mine. It is not the attempt of this post to declare my teams supremacy. Far from it, in fact. Rather, the motivation is to get thestrowd back in the game.
Dear Strowd,
Please take a few moments away from your ongoing Facebook Flame War and consider making a triumphant return to the Blogosphere. It hurts my soul to hear tales of a formerly great Blogger being caught up in e-skirmishes on social networking sites. In 9 short days The Iron Bowl will be contested on the field, not in newspapers and not on Facebook. Bragging rights will then be awarded to the victorious fanbase. Banishing your Mom's side of the family to de-friended purgatory? You are a Blogger, and as such, I expect more from you.
Not only are you a Blogger, you are a multi-Blogger. Or I should say, you WERE a multi-Blogger. Did you know that thestrowd.com has gone offline? That's right. While you've been feeding the Facebook frenzy, your blog-server went down like Aaron Murray after a late hit to the back. Pull it together man!
Unless you traveled to the top of Mount Ararat where the Almighty God presented you with stone tablets instructing you to defend the Auburn Tigers from any and all attacks from opposing fanbases, STOP.
If after 11 weeks of College Football your dear Aunt Bertha finally realized that our defensive lineman don't like the opposing team's quarterbacks, I'd wonder why she chose your "wall" to document her findings, but I'd also salute her. And wonder where she has been the rest of the season. Steven Garcia, Kyle Parker, Ryan Mallett, Jarrett Lee, and Aaron Murray walked onto Pat Dye Field and were carried off. It's a contact sport.
The 2010 Auburn Tigers are the equivalent of the 1990's Miami Hurricanes? If any fanbase should fear talk of Miami, it ain't us. (This is an allusion to the Agent funded trips to Miami that many of our foes received.)
Auburn paid Cam Newton to play for us? Not your battle. There is an army of FBI agents, NCAA investigators, and half-wit journalists scouring the Southeast for evidence. If we paid him, it'll come out. Until then, try not to wet your pants every time someone with an agenda strings together enough words to form a semi-coherent thought that you don't agree with. We enjoy a season like this every 5-10 years and I fear you may be letting them spoil it for you.
More importantly, the Blogosphere needs you. I realize that since you went inactive with His Mercy Endureth Forever , the Razor has steadily improved to become one of the nations leading blogs, but there is enough bandwidth out there for all of us. Do not be intimidated by the Razor's ascension. As you know, you are the one who introduced me to Blogging and without you...
Further, there is a void left by your absence that the Razor can't fill. Because I made the decision long ago to write the Razor tongue-in-cheek, I can't address many important topics like spirituality, religion, &c. It would seem disingenuous for me to campaign for sexually promiscuous politicians one day and discuss "faith" the next. I made that sacrifice for the sake of hilarity. That is where you come in.
Your writing contains a sense of sincerity that I could never attempt to duplicate. My forte is supercilious narcissism, which has some comedic value, but any attempt at earnestness is confusing to the reader. Your writing style is fun for the reader, allows your passion to show through, and gives us an intimate look at what makes you thestrowd.
As evidence, I've linked both of our posts about the BP-Gulf Oil Spill (adam's and strowd's). Even a casual observer will notice the contrast in our writings. Frankly, I'm sure many people would like to read more of yours, and less of mine. Indulge them.
Inasmuch as you still want to continue your role as the Captain of the Auburn Tigers E-Cheerleading Squad, I would posit that your blog would offer a more productive venue. You have complete control of content, can shape the argument however you'd like, and are able to use various links, embeds, &c. that the commies at Facebook don't allow.
If you still haven't found my arguement convincing, I implore you to watch this video. What is it? This is a video of Cam Newton celebrating the victory over the Georgia Leghumpers. Towards the end of the video you'll see him answer his cellphone. Check it out:
As I'm sure you suspect, that was me calling Cam. I told him that thestrowd was considering getting back in the blog business. For the past four days, Cam has been sitting infront of his (slightly used) laptop, frantically refreshing your blog, awaiting your new material. The entire Athletic Department is in a tizzy. He refuses to practice until your blog is updated.
While he should have been watching film of the Crimson Tide, he has been watching your wife mow grass. So you don't have to blog for me, you don't have blog for your faithful readers, but for the love of Bo Jackson, blog for the Tigers!
Sincerely,
Adam
P.S. I have a sweet logo and a line of mechandise. You don't.
Despite Charlie Rangel's impassioned (and harmonious) plea to not be left swinging in the wind until November, his trial before the ethics committee was not held until this week. The verdict? GUILTY! Once one of the most influential House members, he was convicted Tuesday on 11 counts of breaking ethics rules and now faces punishment. No idea what the consequences might be. How do you punish someone who already lives in Harlem?
The bright side is that I now have a reason to re-embed this video. It's really good:
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From this report we learn that the TSA is now putting their hands down people's pants as part of security screening at airports. Forget John Tyner’s “don’t touch my junk” experience at the hands of TSA goons in San Diego recently, another victim of Big Sis was told by TSA officials that it was now policy to go even further when dealing with people wearing loose pants or shorts.
In related news, there will be fewer Razor posts over the next couple weeks. There is a cute security screener at the Orlando airport and I'll be cashing in all my frequent flyer miles...
--- Finally, the new Razor Gear, featuring the new Razor Logo, is now available. I've updated the Swag Shop link at the top of the screen to show the new stuff. Here is a preview:
Now that you know what you'll be getting all of your friends and family for Christmas, you'll have plenty of time to read the Razor and marvel at my creativity. You're Welcome.
Tens of thousands of years ago, an otherwise ordinary man did something extraordinary. The brutality of early human existence did not lend itself to idle acts of leisure and yet in the scramble to find the next meal, the next safe place to sleep, a man found the time to create the worlds' first work of art. Whether it was a crude wood carving, a simple painting on the wall of cave, or a talisman used in religious ceremonies has been lost in the pre-historic fog of antiquity. What was not lost was the effect that this seemingly simple act had on all who came after him. As technological advances gradually simplified the day to day activity of providing for one's basic needs, more time was allocated to pursuits of art and leisure.
In the intervening millennia, there have been a few works of art that were so distinct in their design and powerful in their message that they burned themselves into the hearts, minds, and souls of the collective human conscience. The majesty of such works can not be adequately captured with a communication system as weak the human voice. Rather, these images hold themselves transcendentally above the grasp of any one man, and serve as a reminder that we are all bound together by something greater than we can fully comprehend, a reminder that we share in something so powerful that it transforms an orb full of distinct individuals into Mankind.
Today, I am finally ready to unveil one such work to you. It is my hope that you are not intimidated by its grandeur, but embrace it as a symbol. Whatever your station in life, your political affiliation, your skin color, your marital status, we can all join together and treasure this emblem and what it represents, the culmination of the human experience, in digital format, Adam's Razor.
It would be an exercise in futility, and an affront to the elegance of the image, to try to comprehensively detail its purity. With that said, I would like to share a few details with my beloved Slicers.
At the forefront, the crosshairs are intended to strike fear in the hearts of philandering politicians, people approaching their birthday, and those who find misspelled words and typos offensive.
The understated and muted gray "A" was placed in the background, as if as an afterthought, to symbolize your humble Blogger, working tirelessly behind the scenes to ensure that my Slicers are always on the cutting edge. This blog is not about me, the messenger.
Perhaps the most eye-catching component of this masterpiece is the bold, aggressive "R". As you can see, the "R" could not be completely contained within the crosshairs, just as the Razor can not be accurately categorized within one genre of blogs. The Razor is known to expand its borders, push the envelope (of decency), and meander into any and all topics, seeking out the maximum hilarity per mega-byte. The color red was chosen because no other color symbolizes aggression quite like red (and because that was the default color for various things when I started this blog).
As we fans of the Razor join together this weekend and celebrate the new logo, please remember to be gracious to those less fortunate. I think specifically of the followers of the www.thestrowdblog.com. Not only has The Strowd not posted anything in months, but he doesn't even have a professionally designed logo. Also, he hosts his blog on a Pentium 486 in his mom's garage. Yes, Slicers, we have a lot to be thankful for. Of course it is expected that you will be thrilled and enthusaistic about the logo and it is O.K. to show your loyalty, but as we interact with fans of less fortunate blogs, please keep the taunting to a minimum. Unless of course, they deserve it.
First of all, I didn't realize until just now that I was wearing the exact same shirt in both of the photos I embedded in Monday's post. Apparently that is my "Official Tribal Dance Shirt". Who knew...
--- It's good to see that the Tea Party survived the Nov. 2nd election and is alive and well. No, I'm not talking about the various election re-counts going on around the country. I'm talking about the Tea Party's candidate on Dancing with the Stars, Bristol Palin. I don't watch that farce of a television show, but I did happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (seems to happen a lot lately) last night and caught a few minutes of it.
If you're keeping score at home, Sarah Palin's endorsements are responsible for 4 of our new Senators, 43 new members of the House of Representatives, and 25% of the semi-finalists on DWTS. There is no other way to explain Bristol's victory over a natural athlete like Kurt Warner.
Also, Bristol, your baby is almost 2 years old. It's time to lose the weight, particularly in the face area. If dieting doesn't work, you're in LA, go to a surgeon.
---
Like most people with an e-mail address, over the years I've received many "investment opportunities" from various African business men. This one, which I received last fall, was especially creative:
ATTN:
Dear Sir/M,
I am Mr. Kenneth Rogers. an agent acting on behalf of Mssr. Cam Newton, ABUJA (FCT).
I have the courage to Crave indulgence for this important business believing that you will never let me down either now or in the future.
Some years ago, a former American Football Player with other respected National Football Corporations, made a numbered time (fixed)deposit for twelve calendar months, valued $200,000.USD in an account to secure the footballer playing time of Mssr. Cam Newtons.
On maturity, Mssr. Cam Newton will sign with such as desired football corporations and make the touchdowns.
If you desire to win the contests, you will make such a fixed time deposit into an account of my choosing. Upon receipt of your goodwill intentions, Mssr. Cam Newtons will be delivered post-haste.
Since I know you are an honorable individual with great expectations, I will accept a small discount sum in the order of $180,000 for the same rights and ventures.
Thank you for your time and many blessings and peace be upon you,
Back in September I did a post (here) showing the contrast in style of Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama with regard to their summer vacation activities. The photos I embedded showed Obama wearing a helmet while riding a bike and Putin holding an enormous gun while hunting for whales on the open sea. I'm sure none of you were shocked that Obama (a former community organizer/law professor) enjoys different leisure activities than Putin (a former KGB agent). In continuing with this theme, I offer a couple more photos:
To recap the past few months for the world's two most powerful men:
Putin has driven a race car 150MPH, hunted whales in the North Pacific, driven across Siberia in a Lada Kalina, taken a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal, and posed, half-naked, for photographs with a Polar Bear in the Siberian wilderness.
Meanwhile, Obama has vacationed on the oil-saturated Gulf Coast, played golf, lost control of Congress, and re-enacted Dancing with the Stars (Bollywood style).
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It occurred to me that Slicers might assume that I am against Obama performing dance rituals in foreign lands. Nothing could be further from the truth! Twice in the past few years I have been fortunate enough to perform in like manner.
A couple years ago, in my role as Freelance Goodwill Ambassador to the World, I was invited to Chin National Day in Atlanta, Ga. Recently, Atlanta has attracted quite a large number of Burmese refugees, many of whom are from the Chin ethnic group. The Chin people decided to honor themselves by having me perform the Zodong Feast Ritual with them. You'll have to look closely, but I am wearing a striped shirt and enter the screen midway through the video.
While in Lima, Peru I attended a cultural exchange where the local people entertained us with native dances. During the audience participation portion of the show, a beautiful young lady took me by the hand and led me up on stage. This particular dance involves the participants pinning toilet paper onto there rearend and getting jiggy with it while their dance partner tries to set the paper on fire with a candle. According to Peruvian lore, successful ignition of the paper romantically matches the dancers. Due primarily to the attractiveness of my partner, I would by lying if I said I was very aggressive in spurning her attempts to set me on fire.
Luckily, no video footage of my other performance exists, but there is this photograph:
In honour (I chose the Queens English spelling as a salute to the web traffic I've been getting from Worksop, England) of Lil Wayne's release from jail today, I decided to embed some Hip-Hop videos for you to enjoy.
Of course the blogger that does his "Top Ten" lists in Quinary and announced his impending engagement in "Base 13" has no choice but to nerd it up a little bit. I'm sure there are a few Slicers who don't find economics funny, you must needs only scroll down to yesterday's post to find material decidely more juvenile.
Recently the hip-hop world was shocked when two dead economists decided to settle a 70 year old theoretical debate, not with calculations and graphs, but with a rap battle. Here it is:
For the few of you who haven't been following the heated debate between Austrian Economists against Keynesian Economists, this video may be lost on you. Consider yourselves lucky...
While watching this next video, I was reminded of the year 1999, when I found myself at a Wu Tang clan concert. Red Man and Method Man were dropping sick rhymes, their posse was slinging Benjamins all over the stage, and I was sticking out like the proverbial sore thumb. It was pretty much the opposite of this:
I appreciate your hesitancy to watch a 10 minute video. Humor me and just watch the first couple minutes of each video. With the 2nd video just fast forward a little bit so you can see some shots of the audience reaction. Absolutely hysterical.
There is a reason why the Razor is on record as being against all white rappers not named Eminem. Further, white people should probably not go to Rap concerts, but I'll let you use your own judgement...
What is a rap video supposed to look like? Here's a video from Lil Wayne: DISCLAIMER: I DON'T KNOW IF THIS VIDEO IS SAFE FOR WORK OR NOT, I THINK I CAUGHT A "SHAWTY WANNA THUG" IN THERE SOMEWHERE, BUT BEYOND THAT I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE WORDS. TO BE SAFE, LET'S ASSUME NSFW...
I know it was very subtle but did you notice a difference between Lil Wayne and the Dead Economists?
The people have spoken! Cynically, I doubt that anyone was listening, but I know you'll be interested to hear the results of the elections that we've been following here on the Razor.
Let's start with South Carolina.
Due primarily to the support of all you Slicers, and her "aggressive campaigning techniques", Nikki Haley (who had been poling quite well) will be the next LuvGov! Satirical Bloggers and marriage counselors rejoice. With a tear of sadness, I thank ex-Governor Samford for everything he did for this blog, the State of South Carolina, the women of Argentina, and the Appalachian Trail. I'm confident that with Mrs. Haley's victory, we can look forward to 4 more years gubernatorial infidelities.
Unfortunately, not all of the news from S. Carolina was good. Alvin Greene was defeated by Jim DeMint in the US Senate race. Despite the fact that DeMint clearly started the recession, he pulled in 791,627 votes, barely edging out Greene (358,069 votes) whose unorthodox campaign strategy included giving incoherent interviews and showing pornography to women. The silver lining for 2012 is that nearly 360,000 citizens of S. Carolina voted for an unemployed, illiterate, sexual predator. So there is hope for the future...
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And the local race that had us handcuffed and shackled to the edge of our seat? Another win for the Razor!
Harri Anne Smith did not squander her gambling winnings, using them to defeat George Flowers for State Senate . Several people have asked me what will happen to her seat if she is convicted of the Federal charges that she faces. My best guess is that when this fiasco is finally over, there will be enough State Legislators in the Pen that they'll have a quorum and be able to conduct State business in "the yard".
Mr. Flowers should only feel slightly humiliated that he got trounced by a crook. A dude in California got beat by a corpse. That is not a typo. With 100 percent of the precincts reporting, deceased candidate, Democrat Jenny Oropeza, defeated Republican John Stammreich in the race for State Senate in the 28th district. I know that here in Alabama dead people have been voting for decades, but I'm unaware of any dead candidate actually winning.
Without knowing Ms. Oropeza's religious affiliation (or the Devil's standard policies and procedures) I don't want to speculate on whether she was upgraded posthumously to the special place in Hell reserved for politicians. If you don't mind a little stereotyping, I'll assume based on her name that she was Latino, thus increasing the likelihood that she was Catholic, rendering the entire question moot. Either way, RIP. ---
On to South Dakota.
You might not recognize the names or faces immediately below. While I had strong feelings about which woman I'd prefer, I chose not to cover this pageant on the Razor, allowing the people of South Dakota to select the candidate of their choosing without my interference.
Kristi Noem VS. Stephanie HersethSandlin
Drum roll please.
Representing S. Dakota in the United States House of Representatives? Kristi Noem!!! Need a little background on Mrs. Noem? She is (hopefully unhappily) married to Bryon Noem and has three children. She is a businesswoman with interests in a farm, a ranch, and a hunting lodge. Quite a catch...
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That's all I've got time for today. If you enjoyed yesterday's roast of Amy Kennedy but have not yet read the Birthday Girl's response, I added it to the bottom of the post. If you have a couple hours, I'd recommend you read it...
As you probably know, long-term Slicer Amy Kennedy (here and here) is turning 32 tomorrow. For 2 reasons, I've decided to publish her birthday post a day early. First, tomorrow's post will hopefully be full of election material, as the nation is ushering in a new crop of crooks today. Second, several people have e-mailed me to ask what they should buy Amy for her birthday. To give them shopping time...
As a refresher, a little background on Amy. She graduated (No, not everyone from DCHS drops out) from Dale County High School and Troy University (so long ago it was still called Troy State). She loves spending time at the lake, rooting for the Florida Gators, and reminiscing about when the Florida Gators didn't suck.
On the surface, Amy's birthday gift selection is challenging. What do you get for the rapidly aging woman who has already artificially enhanced her appearance in every way possible? (quite successfully I might add). Most of time when females I know turn 30-33, I get them elective surgeries, Botox, or laser skin treatments. Amy's scorecard? check, check, and check!
We're gonna have to be less superficial with our gift buying this year. So the (base 5) Top Ten Gifts to buy Amy Kennedy:
10. Wallet Chain - Remember when she lost her wallet last summer? (you can read about it here) Not this year! Nothing captures Dale County Class quite like an elegant metal chain attaching your wallet to your pants. If you're not on a budget get the "his and hers" set so Nathan can keep up with his wallet too.
4. Adam's Razor Tank Top (here) - I've got a new line of merchandise coming out soon, and I've gotta clear some shelf space.
3. A "Delete Key" for her keyboard- Based on the length of the comments she leaves on this blog, she clearly doesn't have one. A Backspace Key would be also be helpful if you want to partner with a friend on your gift.
2. 2009 BCS National Championship Game DVD- Florida vs. Oklahoma (here) - This season the Gators lost 3 straight games, (Alabama, LSU, and Mississippi State) before defeating a terrible Georgia team in OT. What's a Florida fan to do? Watch highlights of the Tebow era and remember when they weren't irrelevant.
1. Diamond Earrings - Nathan, if you love your wife, you'll get her Diamond Earrings. Nothing too big. Something in the 2 karat range would be nice. To save you time, I found a pair you might like (here).
Happy Birthday Amy!
UPDATE: The original posted ended right here. I've edited to include Amy's comment. Which shockingly, was very clever. Enjoy:
Wow, Adam! I am so touched by your blog. Just to think you took time out of your busy day at work,(well, maybe not busy), but used your time at work to publish such a heart felt birthday tribute to me. I'm just sorry that it has taken me so long to comment today. Unlike you, I stay extremely busy at ECS and don't have the free time on my hands that you do. You know, I never knew you and I had so much in common until I read your "top 5" list for me.
Slicers, even though it is not Adam's birthday I thought it might be helpful to give you Adam's Top 5list and you can get started early on finding the perfect gift for our "special" friend that we all love!! Hope you enjoy the following.
5. Wallet Chain - Remember when Adam lost his wallet this past summer(you might have read about it in a past blog), but I guess you can't say it was lost when it was in his pants pocket the whole time? After days of tracing his steps at gas stations, going through his pockets(supposedly) and where ever else he hangs out, he finally found it.
4. Adam's Razor T-shirt - Being no one would ever waste their hard earned money on one of those shirts, he is not kidding when he says he needs to clear some shelf space. The shelves are just as full as the day he stocked them,so help a Razor out!
3. A "Delete Key" for his keyboard - Based on the length of his daily blogs (waste of space and time to read), he clearly doesn't have one. A Backspace Key would also be helpful if you want to partner with a friend on your gift (I would love to go in with someone on this gift. Just give me a call)
2. 1957 BCS National Championship Game DVD - Up until this season Auburn has been on a loosing streak for a while. Florida on the other hand has not lost 3 straight games since either 1987 or 1988. Maybe you can find the win from 1957 on an old black and white film or something. If he is lucky, maybe it has been enhanced to color. Just in case you are wondering and I know you are, Florida on the other hand has won 3National Chamionships since 1996.
1. Engagement Ring - I don't think Adam is ever going to break down and take care of this one, so maybe if someone helps him buy it, he might at least give it to her?? Kinda hard to say though. Adam, If you love your girlfriend Christena of how many years now?, then maybe you can refer back to the blog "The Big Night," you can make your joke come to real life. Don't buy anything too big though. Something in the 2 karat range would be nice. It would show your gratitude for all the years Christena has put up with you and her hand will draw enough attention for other women to know that finally, someone has decided to put up you. To save you time, I am including a website you might find helpful. (www.jared.com)
Happy Early Birthday Adam! Looking forward to hanging out on Saturday!AK
This promises to be a shorter than normal post (again, those caught celebrating will be punished). Just wanted to remind everyone that there is an election tomorrow. Please remember to vote for the candidate that is most likely to provide material for this blog. While I prefer sex scandals, I'll not quibble. Extortion, corruption, and bribery, while less interesting, are acceptable.
If the candidates in your area are above reproach, please do not hesitate to write in the name Nikki Haley. Longtime Slicers will no doubt be aware of her sexcapades as they have been discussed ad nauseum on this site. New readers are invited to click here, here, or here to be educated/entertained. Not a big fan of Nineteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution? No problem. You can vote for Congressman Mark Souder (here).
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My uncle, Dave Auchey, is a Freemason and was recently selected (along with 6 others) to receive the Thirty-Third Degree, the highest honor of Scottish Rite Freemasonry. A photo:
While details of the ceremony were, in typical Mason fashion, shrouded in mystery, the goat that was used in the initiation was rumored to have said that Dave was the best kisser among those participating.
Those of you who don't know Dave are pitied. He is easily one of the funniest men in the State of Pennsylvania, which puts him high in the running for funniest in the whole Northeast. He once told a joke that caused 2 people to crack ribs laughing, and they didn't hear the punchline. The only guy who heard the whole joke, laughed himself to death. It was tragic. And hilarious.
I have firm standards whenever I consider joining an organization. I refuse to join any club that would accept someone like me as a member. Thankfully for the Masons, Dave, in addition to being funny, is a credit to any group he is a part of.
