Reponding to Comments, Another Strowd!, &c.

Continuing the Razor policy of responding to "Anonymous comments" in a snide and nit-picky manner, I offer a brief response to the Slicer who left these remarks on my last post:

Anonymous said...
"middle-east" Should be "Middle-East." For AP style sake...I'm just sayin'...
January 20, 2011 11:40 PM

And two minutes later, blessed us with this:

Anonymous said...
Oh yeah, and the rest was boring. (Your last five + posts...including the armadillo one.) You need new subject matter. :D
January 20, 2011 11:42 PM

Thanks for the advice. For clarity, is it "AP style" to capitalize "should" in the middle of a sentence? Further, I've done a great many things I'm not proud of, but I've never written anything in "AP style" and I hope I never do. By the way, regarding the premise that my last "5+ posts" have been boring, I tend to agree, assuming that the "+ sign" is inclusive of virtually everything I've ever written. You like using emoticons? Here's one for you (it's Abraham Lincoln):

=]:-)=

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I have some exciting news about The Strowd. He and his wife are expecting a baby. Back in September I was hanging out with The Strowd(s) and he was asking (begging) his wife when they could start a family. Kelli, being of above average intelligence and showing good judgement, does not particularly relish the thought of raising a child with Michael. Her carefully crafted response: When Auburn wins a College Football National Championship. 50+ years of past performance left her feeling comfortable that she would never have to "pay up". To her horror, the Auburn team exceeded her expectations and she has been forced to procreate.

It is my understanding that the baby is due nine months and fifteen minutes after Wes Byrums' kick sailed through the uprights. Let's call it 11:30 cst on October 10th, +or- one hour to allow for the fact they were in attendance at the game and were in Mountain time.

I pray that God grants The Strowd's a healthy baby and that they enjoy the transition to parenthood. I pray more fervently that the baby looks like Kelli.

In related news, future attendees of events at "The University of Phoenix Stadium" in Glendale Az. are encouraged to not use the women's bathroom located between sections 203 and 204.

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Those Slicers not bored to tears with my recent armadillo story will no doubt be interested to know that I killed another one. This time with a .22 rifle. The Helms Rd. scorecard now reads:

The Skippers: 3
Adam: 2

I've been closing the gap the past few months and I hope that I surpass them before armadillo season ends. If not, I'll use an * to mark their total, as there are 3 of them and only one of me. Either way, I'm sure to be the real winner, because I "dispose" of mine by leaving them in their yard...

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Averages, Gov't payoffs, &c.

It's becoming painfully clear that 2011 is going to see the Razor lose its status as the "World's Greatest Blog" and will most likely be relegated to somewhere in the middle of the pack. The concept of being "average" is not new to me. I'm average height, average weight, average athlete, &c. However for those of you not as comfortable with this concept, I've done you a favor and compiled some data for you to consider:

• The average phone number is 555-555-5555
• The average person has 1 fallopian tube.
• Sarah Palin's children average 46.2 chromosomes.

Those Slicers doubting the accuracy of the above facts are invited to look them up. I trust that you will find they are all true and you can then take comfort in the fact that just because the Razor is transitioning to a reduced level of output, it will still be educational (and offensive).

One last statistic and I'll move on. While researching the above, I also learned that 1 out of 4 kids with the initials A.D.D. actually has ADD. It occured to me that 4 out of 4 kids with the initials A.D. H-D. have an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn't just shut up and take her husbands last name...

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I don't want to bore you with geopolitics but check this out. In a futile attempt to ward off a Tunisian-style civil revolt, many nations in the middle-east are trying to buy-off their populace. (Sadly, the previous sentence set a new Razor record for hyphenated words.) Here's what I'm talking about:

• In Kuwait, Emir Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah decreed that every Kuwaiti citizen receive a one-time payment of KD 1,000 (roughly $3,558), plus free food rations for 13 months beginning in February. Officially, the gifts are being made in coordination with the fifth anniversary of al-Sabah’s rule.
• In Syria, state media reported a government plan worth $250 million to help 420,000 impoverished families. Cash loans will be distributed to Syrian citizens who qualify for the aid beginning in February.
• In Sudan (the northern, Arab region*), the governor of Khartoum state announced measures designed to soften the blow of recent price hikes on commodities such as cooking oil and sugar. Free school meals and health insurance cards will be distributed to 30,000 students and their families.

In America, we've got a new season of American Idol to look forward to. As such, a more direct form of appeasement is probably not needed at this time.

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See ya (not so?) soon.

*No e-mails please. I know that Sudan is in Africa and not the middle-east proper.

Binary, Armadillos, &c.

Those Slicers who enjoyed my now rather lengthy hiatus are welcomed, but will no doubt be disappointed to learn that I believe I have compiled enough material to write effectively and hilariously for at least the remainder of the week.

You may recall that from time to time I like to mess around with binary code (computer language consisting of only 1's and 0's). No surprise then that today while dating some paperwork I noticed that the six digit rendering of today's date is 011111. In binary this means: Error: Malformed binary. Your binary code must be divisible by 8. Who knew?

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Remember when I found that dead opossum behind my office? I wrote about it here: Varmint Disposal. Thought you might like to know that my skills are not limited to the dearly departed. A week or two before Christmas, as I pulled into my driveway, I noticed an armadillo was attempting to destroy my carefully tended flower beds. This was the 2nd time I ran across the beast. The first time was about 11:30 at night and not wanting to interact on a personal basis with the creature, I chased him around the neighborhood with my Range Rover. Despite tearing up mine and my neighbors yard, I did no damage to the armadillo. Luckily, I think my neighbors have already accepted the fact that I'm a strange guy and so weren't overly surprised to see me doing donuts in their yard, at midnight, blaring the horn and cursing the critter.

Not wanting to let him get away again, I decided to pursue him on foot this time. Keep in mind I'd just left work and was wearing a suit and tie. I jumped out of the car, grabbed a baseball bat out of the garage, and gave chase to the armadillo, who by this time was about 50 yards away and headed full speed towards the perceived sanctuary of my neighbors yard. Sadly, video evidence of the episode does not exist. I sprinted 200 yards (in black dress shoes) which in my physical condition left me basically useless when I finally caught up to him. Nonetheless, I, on a dead run, crushed him with the bat.

While celebrating over his corpse, I was able to take these 2 (somewhat graphic) photos:


Not until the following morning, when my breathing returned to its normal state, was I was able to take my neighbor's phone call. He wanted to know if I knew why his backyard was overrun with buzzards. It seems that in my excitement, I'd forgotten to properly dispose of the carcass, allowing nature to take its course...

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I notice that the quality of the writing above is not up to my usual standards. It might take me a few days to get into the swing of things. So I'll quit before I get further behind.