Taylor Made Festival, Al Queda, &c.

When I was 12 years old, my family moved to Taylor, AL. Every summer Taylor hosted the Taylor Made Festival. Activities included a Softball Tournament, vendors peddling their various wares, and (my favorite) the Washer Chunking Tournament. For those of you unfamiliar, Washer Chunking is a lot like throwing horseshoes except the horseshoe is replaced with a 2 inch washer, and you try to throw it into a small hole instead of at a stake.



Here is a visual aide:

This particular shot not only cost me a match, but made me question my fathers' skills as a craftsmen. If he hadn't gone cheap on the glue...

Back to my story. As a child, my best friend Stevie and I watched every match of the tournament, as we were unable to participate do to age. The same team, Tom and Henry, won the thing almost every year.

Steve and I have spent the last 20 years training to become Taylor's greatest washer throwers, which probably puts us amongst the best in the world. In a best of three situation, I doubt there are very many teams that can compete with us.

Just as our skills were beginning to peak, and we were prepared to challenge Tom and Henry for the title, The Town of Taylor elected Joel Napier as mayor. Joel is one of my least favorite people (due in large part to a nasty soccer incident in 1994). Elections have consequences and Joel's mismanagement of our town resulted in the Festival not being held for the past few years and thus Stevie and I have been denied our chance at glory.

As an aside, it brought great joy to my soul when I read this article last year: link

Joel apparently thought he was the mayor of a town in South Carolina, because he was arrested for "sexing up" a fat chick in the Waffle House parking lot. I have a policy of not rejoicing in the misfortune of my enemies, but in this case I made an exception because my hatred is so deep and I thought Joel would resign and the Washer Tournament would be restored. Unfortunately, Joel didn't have enough pride or dignity to resign, so the town's hardships continue.

Amazingly, Stevie called me a few weeks ago and said that the Town of Taylor was planning to once again hold the Taylor Made Festival over the July 4th weekend and was I ready to take down the Washer Chunking Title? While skeptical that they could actually pull it off, I began training late at night in my garage.

Just as I completed knocking all the rust off my game, I found out they were having the festival, but weren't having the Washer Tournament. I can only assume that the word "chunk" reminds Joel of Waffle House hash browns, and he killed the Tournament for another year.

So I'm headed to white water raft in North Carolina.

In other news, today we got a great report regarding the Global War on Terror. It seems that Al Queda has been rendered so impotent that they've had to discontinue their efforts to kill us and are now going to attack us with an English language magazine. Here is the front cover of the 1st issue:

Someone should inform them that we American's have already built up a pretty strong tolerance to bad journalism.

From the article linked above: "The U.S. is quite worried about Al Qaeda's new publishing ambitions."

Quite worried? Really? More like terrified! We Americans haven't been exposed to anything this dangerous since "Air America" filed for bankruptcy.

I am interested in the article "Make a bomb in the kitchen of your mom". I've begun the process of making many bombs in my mom's kitchen. Typically I deploy them in her bathroom a few hours after eating.

(Sorry about that last paragraph. I know it was childish. However, my Aunt Amy reads this blog to my grandmother. I'll spend the better part of this weekend laughing hysterically, envisioning how that scene unfolds. BTW, Amy turned 43 this week.)

Local stuff, mea culpa, &c.

After Friday's successful E-visceration of Taylor Barbaree, I've had a few requests to slice up more local stuff. I'm hesitant to do this for a couple reasons. One of which is that some readers may not realize that this site is done entirely tongue in cheek, and it is infinitely more likely that I'll run into a local person than Al Gore (God forbid). In attempt to avoid getting beat up by a commissioner, I'll probably continue to stick with more "national" topics.

With that said, I found one item that I believe is safe to pursue.

There is only one place that scares me more than a wedding alter, and that is a hospital maternity ward. As such, it seems unlikely that I'll run across these parties anytime soon. For background, there was a brawl in the "birthing unit" of the Southeast Alabama Medical Center. You can read about it here (As an aside, every tenth person or so who clicks the link will see my photo at the top of the page. Single ladies who choose to refresh the site repeatedly are to be saluted.).

The article states that the "fight involved family and boyfriend". It is hard to imagine what event could've transpired at such a joyous occasion to warrant the need for physical violence. While I haven't been able to contact an eyewitness to this debacle, it can be assumed that it unfolded something like this:

• Doctor: "Almost there. Just give me one more push."
• Doctor: "Ok, that does it. You've delivered a healthy baby boy/girl (the article isn't clear).
• Husband: "I love you honey. I'm so proud of you. Hey. Wait a minute. This thing looks just like (boyfriend)!!!

I'll spare you the rest, but it's easy to see how this thing got out of hand. Without more information, I feel bad for the child and husband. Depending on the level of attractiveness of the mother, I could possibly be persuaded to feel bad for the boyfriend.

I'M SORRY

On Friday, I added the "Friends of the Razor" link at the top of the blog. Slicers who happened to click it, were able to become partially familiar with my friend David Sconyers. As I mentioned, he is a grumpy ole fellow and extremely difficult to please. Imagine my surprise when I received a text message from him over the weekend congratulating me on my hilarious piece on Chick-fil-A (linked above).

I was only able to rest on my laurels for 5 days. Today he dropped by my office to give me a stern talking to. It seems he was so disappointed by yesterdays effort, he had to tell me face to face.

Look, I know I "mailed it in", but I thought it might be nice to mix it up a bit and just give you the jokes without having to read 32 paragraphs of linguistical bombast. At least one shaver agreed. My friend Strowd left me a nice comment.

Over the past few months, I've developed a very detailed method for writing this blog. First, a hilarious sentence pops into my head. Next, I try to think up the most convoluted way of incorporating the sentence into a blog post. Last, I consider proofreading the post and then decide not to.

Yesterday, in an attempt to save time, I skipped the 2nd step. As David pointed out, each of the bullet-pointed jokes was funny enough to deserve a well developed Razor post, and I wasted them. I'm sorry and it won't happen again.

A Video, Al Gore, Soccer, and a Spy

Once again, I'm sorry for the infrequency of my blogging lately. You may recall from my last post that I cryptically mentioned "other projects" that I'd been working on. It feels good to finally be able to come clean on what I've been up to.

It also felt good for my unique satirical talent to finally be recognized on a national level. I recently was contacted by "The Whitest Kids You Know", a comedy troupe based out of NYC. They needed help with a political piece they were working on and felt that my "variety of satire and cynicism" could really put the sketch over the top. My delusions of grandeur quickly faded when I realized that they didn't want me to be on screen, but just needed someone to help write a couple jokes.

On the whole, I'm happy with the way the project turned out, and I appreciate the opportunity that I had to work with Trevor Moore and Sam Brown. The video is embedded below for you to enjoy. I'm sorry for the 20 second intro you have to watch before seeing the actual sketch, but they are using this piece to promote their upcoming season...





I had a couple blog ideas over the weekend that I'm not going to have time to complete. As a result, I'm just going to bullet point out some thoughts. To the extent that you are not entertained or amused, just be glad I didn't have time to do the job right.

• On Al Gore: If he'd been the Vice President of Pangea, he would've made a bad movie about stopping Plate Tectonics. "An Inconvenient Continental Drift"
• On The US getting knocked out of the World Cup by Ghana for the 2nd consecutive time: Ok Ghana, you win again. Wanna go double or nothing on women's tennis, basketball, hockey, golf, swimming, car racing, wars, or oil spills? Didn't think so. See you at the Olympics.
• On the "bombshell" Russian spy: It seems all people can talk about is how "hot" this so-called spy is(photos here). Really? Have you ever seen a James Bond movie? As far as spies go, I'll give her about a 6. Heck, I had a better looking spy assigned to me, and I'm just a blogger.

Sorry for the delay

To those of you who have been frantically refreshing the Razor in search of new material. I'm sorry. I took a day off from blogging to work on some other projects. A couple items before we get started.

I've added some links at the top of the page for you to enjoy. Please do not be alarmed that the Merch Store no longer appears on the homepage. Just click on "Adam's Razor Swag Shop" above and you'll have access to the complete line of Razor merchandise. You'll also notice the links entitled "New to The Razor? Click Here" and "Friends of the Razor". Even you long term Slicers might want to check those babies out.

EDIT: If you found it difficult to read the "New to the Razor" page, I think I've got it fixed. No idea why Blogger published some of the words in yellow. Sorry...

EAT MOR CHIKIN

In response to this News Article, I have a couple thoughts. It seems that Dothan City Commissioner Taylor Barbaree is concerned about the traffic congestion being caused on Ross Clark Circle by Chick-fil-a. Specifically, Commissioner Barbaree said, “I think the entrepreneur should hire off-duty police officers to direct traffic when it gets bad on the Circle.” As an alternative he proposed that "the city send a letter to the Alabama Department of Transportation to encourage them to make changes to the entrance."

First of all, if the City Commissioners had been paying attention, they would've no doubt been aware that Chick-fil-A announced their new "Spicy Chicken Sandwich" several weeks before it was made available in stores. This announcement was made as a courtesy to chicken consumers and city commissioner's nationwide so we could all be prepared for this fiery feast. If Mr. Barbaree thinks it's bad in Dothan, he should see the Atlanta branch. Customers are seen lining up outside the store, holding 32 ounce bottles of water, waiting for Chick-fil-A to change from breakfast to the lunch menu.

The fact that the City of Dothan squandered this lead-time should not be an indictment of the "entrepreneur" but of the commission itself. When a well respected establishment like Chick-Fil-A offers a new Chick-fil-A® Spicy Chicken Sandwich that is hand-breaded, seasoned with a fiery blend of several peppers, pressure-cooked in 100 percent refined peanut oil and served on a toasted buttered bun with dill pickle chips, what did you think was going to happen? Couple that with the fact that The Spicy Chicken Sandwich starts at $2.99 and is also offered in a “deluxe” version that includes lettuce, tomato and Pepper Jack cheese for $3.59 and you get a "recipe" for a traffic situation.

My advice for Mr. Barbaree? If you're that hungry, get there early like the rest of us. Beyond that, wait a couple months for the fervor to die down. In the meantime, I suggest that you guys focus on the important things like raising the sales tax again or resurfacing US HWY 231 S during the height of summer beach traffic.

On 2nd thought, maybe it's better if you focus on fast food.

Need Technical Support

Quick backstory. My parents and brother live in Oxford, AL, about 4 hours north of my home in Dothan. For Father's Day/my Dad's birthday, the family decided to meet in Auburn (roughly in the middle) and go to a water park.

I rode with my sister, her husband, and their 2 daughters, and we met my Mom, Dad, and brother. The park has a wave pool, lazy river, and 6 water slides.

As we approached the water slides, and started to climb the stairs, my Dad decided that rather than slide, he'd use his waterproof video camera to document the rest of us going down.

Those of you who read my post last week, are not surprised to learn that he'd rather use electronic equipment than shoot down a 300 foot slide into a pool of strangers' urine. We did eventually get him on the slide by telling him they were giving out coupons for Best Buy to the days fastest racers.

So the whole family had a good time, and luckily we have most of the day documented with video and photographs. Is there a better way to document a family outing then making a commemorative T-Shirt? Especially, when you are as talented at graphic design as my father is.

Which (finally) brings me to my point. My Mom called me last night in a panic. It seems that Dad has spent the last two days trying to figure out how to put this video on a T-shirt:

If you are aware of any technology that will allow him to complete this project, our family would appreciate the help. Apparently Dad hasn't slept much, can't eat anything, and has been moping around the house muttering under his breath about electro-luminescence cloth...

No, that is not a model in the picture at the top of this post. That is my Mom. Yes, that is my sister in the video.

One housekeeping item. I've decided to give up the whole Majestic Plural thing discussed here. While it seemed like a good idea at the time, it's outrageously cumbersome. I didn't make it far enough in school to know how to distinguish between "we" meaning "just me", and "we" meaning "a group of people including me". Sorry for the confusion and/or disruption that this may have caused to your Razor experience.

An Oil Change We Can Believe In

Ever been at the beach and noticed someone glazing their body in baby oil to enhance the effects of the suns' rays? We are pleased to announce that on the Gulf Coast, this step is no longer required. The oil is included as part of the experience. Just dive right in.

While backpacking across the southeast Asian island of Borneo, we marveled at the efficiency of the tribal fisherman. Catch fish, insert stick into mouth, hold over fire (wienie roast style), eat. Imagine our surprise upon arriving back in the US and finding out that the Gulf of Mexico had been converted into one big fish fry. We would've preferred peanut oil, but let's not quibble. (Note to Pennsylvanian's, we don't use vegtable oil. Down here, the peanut is king.)

With regards to the federal governments response to this disaster, what were your expectations? The federal government is good at two things: doing nothing (Katrina) and over-reacting (TARP). As far as the rig goes, the first month of this fiasco was probably handled about right. Let BP try to fix their mess. They caused it, and should have the manpower and expertise to try to correct it.

Which is not to say that Obama et. al should not be criticized. He spent a couple of years and hundreds of millions of dollars begging to lead the most inefficient organization in the history of the world. Be careful what you wish for...

If it's true that he declined aid from other countries due to the Jones Act, shame on him.

If his offshore oil drilling ban causes the rigs in the Gulf to be scattered to the far corners of the earth, we'll pay for that at the pump in a couple years, but that outcome was basically built into the Democratic Party platform before the spill, and they are on record as not wanting to waste a perfectly good crisis.

As far as protecting our beaches, marches, &c. from the incoming oil, what event in the 200+ year history of our glorious nation gives evidence that the response would be effective? Did you really think that we had 1000 miles of booms just waiting to be put to use? This is not a defense of the Obama Administration, merely an observation that no matter who is President, 100,000,000+ gallons of oil makes a pretty big mess. Just as a Category 5 hurricane hitting a city below sea level is gonna cause some problems.

It is a God-given right for all Americans to be able to spew as many hydrocarbons as we want into our atmosphere. But into our oceans? No way. So what could've been done to avert this disaster? How about enforcement of existing laws? How can BP rack over 700 safety violations in less than 5 years and still have a licence to drill? In the same time period ExxonMobil had 1. So the problem lies not within our oil industry, but with BP.

Since John Browne became BP's CEO, its North American operations have experienced the industry's worst and biggest "accidents" - the Alaska pipeline leak due to failure to "pig" the line, the Texas City refinery explosion caused by a series of acts of negligence -some criminal- and now Macondo. Browne even gave up using the name "British Petroleum" and said the company's logo meant "Beyond Petroleum," swanning around about going green and diverting money from oil and gas operations to those organizations that would evoke praise from Al Gore and Greenpeace. With his words and the company's money for funding leftist causes, he became the first oil CEO to become a darling of the Left. To us, he is the oil equivalent of Barry Bonds -a disgrace to his industry and an unmitigated disaster.

This fiasco isn't on Browne's watch: his successor, Tony Hayward, has to assume responsibility—at least for what his company’s lawyers cannot ascribe to Transocean, Halliburton,&c. But he inherited a company whose risk culture was seriously flawed.

So BP stands for Beyond Petroleum? You're an oil company right? BEYOND Petroleum??? We here at the Razor have a suggestion for your marketing department. Try another re-branding initiative:

Exciting development for The Razor

Over the past few weeks as the quality of the content here on the Razor has hit an all time high, we've had a nagging feeling that we weren't being quite pretentious enough. The merch store was a nice touch, but we are always looking to take it to the next level. It is with that in mind that we are please to announce:

The Razor is converting to the "Majestic Plural". The majestic plural (pluralis maiestatis in Latin) is the use of a plural pronoun to refer to a single person holding a high office, such as a monarch, bishop, pope, university rector, or blogger. It is also called the royal pronoun, the royal "we" or the Victorian "we".

One of our literary heroes, Mark Twain, once said, "Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'" However, he died before the advent of the Internet. It can be assumed that in modern times he would've updated his list to include bloggers. One final thought and we can move on. United States Navy Admiral Hyman G. Rickover told a subordinate who used the royal we: "Three groups are permitted that usage: pregnant women, royalty, and schizophrenics. Which one are you?" He too, is dead. So we'll continue.

Please bear with us over the next few weeks as we convert our writing style from "I", "me", etc. to "we", "us", etc. We can usually count on Cindy to do our proof-reading, but lately she has been too busy failing micro-biology to complete her editing duties.

One last note. A big "Thank You" to everyone who decided to honor their father by taking advantage of The Adam's Razor Father's Day Special 2010. For those who invested in the Gold Package, we promise to e-viscerate your dad on his special day. Please complete the questionaires and submit photos at least 2 weeks before his birthday. We can't spit these things out overnight.

Quick one

Couple weeks ago I was screwing around on Craigs list and saw someone listing a free horse. I headed over to gmail, created a dummy address and fired off an email. Then I promptly forgot all about it. Remembered late last week, checked my email and received a hilarious response.

Reproduced for you here:

From Me:

Hey, that horse looks beautiful. Is she still available?

Hope to hear from you soon,

Adam Thomas
President
Thomas Glue Factory


Response:

HE** NO!

I actually think his response was funnier than my inquiry...

Michael S. (Stevie) Davis (June 18th, 1976 - )

Sorry ladies, he's taken.

Stevie Davis, my brother-in-law, turns 34 today. My sister was so delighted with the e-beatdown I put on my Dad, that she decided to buy one for Stevie. I'm sure he'll be delighted to learn that he is the proud recipient of the Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Gold Package (at least until he gets his bank statement). In hindsight I wish I would've designed the Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Polo Shirt in navy blue, because that is the only color he'll wear.

I want to apologize in advance for some of the math jokes contained in this blog. I know math isn't funny, but Steve is a math nerd. And while he might be the only slicer that gets them, it's his birthday...

Thankfully, I don't have very many pictures of Stevie on my computer, but I was able to find Stevie's 11th grade year book photo:



To say that Stevie is kinda nerdy, is like saying Tiger Woods is kinda good with women. As proof I offer these examples:

1. One time I asked him, "If we could drill a hole straight through the center of the earth, how long would it take an object to fall through it and come out the other side?" 5 minutes later he says, "41 minutes and 36 seconds in a vacuum, a lot longer with air resistance" I looked it up. He was right...

2. His computer password is Avogadro's number.

3. When his daughter Abby Grace asked if Santa Claus was real, he responded, "Only if you multiply him by i. What kind of a father would say something like that?

(DISCLAIMER: I realize this joke is kind of clumsy, but math jokes aren't exactly my specialty. However, I spent so much time researching the joke, that I felt compelled to include it. Said research gave me a headache. If you want to learn more about real vs. imaginary numbers, you are a sicko, but click here. The highlight of the linked article? "Misuse of the imaginary unit can lead to difficulties". No doubt! In the history of the imaginary unit, no one has misused it more thoroughly than me.)

Ok, no more math jokes.

Stevie's proudest moments both involve wrestling livestock. Late at night, you can often find him in front of his TV watching an old VHS tape of the 1991 National Peanut Festival Calf Scramble where he grabbed a heifer and wrestled it across the finish line victoriously. Ironically, this is the same method he used to marry my sister (guess I won't be getting paid now...). Steve's prowess with farm animals does not stop there. Several years ago we were at my uncle Bruce's house when one of his goats got out of the fence. Sensing an opportunity, Steve sprung to action. He wrangled that goat in record time! Never before or since have I met someone with such passion for goat roping.

Stevie's most embarrassing moment? A vicious case of hemorrhoids that ended with two nurses and my sister holding him down while the doctor injected the offending blood vessels before removing them with a scalpel. Yowzer! I later learned from the attending physician that Stevie had the tightest butt cheeks he'd ever seen. Stevie really enjoys talking about this situation and will no doubt be glad I discussed it on the internet. If you happen to run into him anytime soon, please don't hesitate to mention it.

CAL see you lator (had to squeeze in one more math joke),

The Razor

John R. Thomas (June 17th, 1955 - )

Today is my father's birthday. While some sons would probably send him a nice gift or give him a birthday call, I've decided to use his 55th birthday as an opportunity to shamelessly promote the Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Gold Package.

For those of you who've had the pleasure of getting to know my father, you are no doubt aware of his fascination with electronic gadgets. He uses his belt, not to hold his pants up, but to carry so many devices it looks like you robbed a Circuit City (RIP). I remember a couple years ago he'd lost quite a bit of weight. I said, "Dad, you're looking good. How much weight have you lost?" His reply, "Too much. I'm not currently big enough around to accommodate all of my gadgets."

Would you like to outfit yourself in the latest high-tech fashion? In an Adam's Razor Exclusive, I'm please to announce that I am now able to finally disclose virtually everything John Thomas wears on his personage. WARNING: If you intend to fly internationally, you'll need to arrive at the airport at least three days before your scheduled departure time to make it through security.

His current arsenal of Gadgets is:

1. Iphone - clipped to belt
2. Pocket PC - clipped to belt, usually in rear. Back up device for software that isn't MAC compatible.
3. GPS Device - clipped to belt
4. 2 Terabyte External Harddrive - clipped to belt
5. NuPower Charge and Sync - clipped to belt. Battery backup with three interchangeable cables - mini-USB, micro-USB and Dock Connector - to connect
to nearly any mobile device. Provides emergency power to various devices.
6. Solar powered charger - Clipped to belt
7. Garage door opener - clipped to belt
8. Set of itty-bitty screwdrivers - clipped to belt
9. Digital Camera - clipped to belt
10. and 11. Extra-Large Belt Clip Key Chain. Not to hold keys, but to hold all of his USB Jump Drives.
12. Video Glasses - Just plug them into an IPOD, DVD player, etc. Enjoy big-screen performance on the tip of your nose.
13. Various Power Cables, adaptors, etc. Worn like ammo belts Rambo style across chest/shoulder.

For less than $1600, you can outfit yourself John Thomas-style.

One thing you might not know about John:

He was the inspiration for "The Simpson's" character Ned Flanders. Ned Flanders is a devout Christian, he is amongst the most friendly and compassionate Springfield citizens and is generally considered a pillar of the Springfield community. Ned Flanders has never aged, while my father clearly has, but I'm sure you'll see the resemblance:





Just so we're clear, my dad is not wearing his glasses in the picture. The other guy is Ned.

Since I began offering sweet shirts for sale on my blog, many people have asked me. "Who designs all of your merchandise?" The answer, my Dad. When I first became aware of the demand for Razor attire, I approached my Dad about helping me out. He has a nearly unquenchable desire to make his own T-shirts. It is not uncommon to see him up late at night working with stencils, glue, the iron, etc. Check out some of these sweet babies he made for our family:


One year, the whole family was headed up to Pennsylvania for the Auchey Family Reunion (my Mom's side of the family). To avoid confusion, Dad decided we needed a T-Shirt with my Mom's name on it to help identify ourselves:



Oddly, we haven't been invited back...



The whole family went on a white-water rafting trip. What better way to commemorate it then a T-Shirt?



It was this masterpiece that won him the job designing for the Razor. I'm sorry the picture is a bit blurry, but that's all of us.

I hope that all you slicers out there have enjoyed learning about my Dad. Before I end this post, I want to send my Dad a very sincere and heartfelt message. Due to it's personal nature, I don't want random people reading it. As a result, I will write it in a language that only geeks speak, binary code.

0100010001100001011001000010110000100000010010000
1100001011100000111000001111001001000000100001001
1010010111001001110100011010000110010001100001011
1100100101110001000000010000001010100011010000110
0001011011100110101101110011001000000110011001101
1110111001000100000011001010111011001100101011100
1001111001011101000110100001101001011011100110011
1001000010010000000100000010010010010000001101100
0110111101110110011001010010000001111001011011110
1110101001000010010000000100000010001010110111001
1010100110111101111001001000000110001001100101011
0100101101110011001110010000000110101001101010010
11100010111000101110


Happy Birthday Dad!!

P.S. Want your dad ridiculed? There are still a few dates available. ACT Now!