Continuing the Razor policy of responding to "Anonymous comments" in a snide and nit-picky manner, I offer a brief response to the Slicer who left these remarks on my last post:
Anonymous said...
"middle-east" Should be "Middle-East." For AP style sake...I'm just sayin'...
January 20, 2011 11:40 PM
And two minutes later, blessed us with this:
Anonymous said...
Oh yeah, and the rest was boring. (Your last five + posts...including the armadillo one.) You need new subject matter. :D
January 20, 2011 11:42 PM
Thanks for the advice. For clarity, is it "AP style" to capitalize "should" in the middle of a sentence? Further, I've done a great many things I'm not proud of, but I've never written anything in "AP style" and I hope I never do. By the way, regarding the premise that my last "5+ posts" have been boring, I tend to agree, assuming that the "+ sign" is inclusive of virtually everything I've ever written. You like using emoticons? Here's one for you (it's Abraham Lincoln):
=]:-)=
---
I have some exciting news about The Strowd. He and his wife are expecting a baby. Back in September I was hanging out with The Strowd(s) and he was asking (begging) his wife when they could start a family. Kelli, being of above average intelligence and showing good judgement, does not particularly relish the thought of raising a child with Michael. Her carefully crafted response: When Auburn wins a College Football National Championship. 50+ years of past performance left her feeling comfortable that she would never have to "pay up". To her horror, the Auburn team exceeded her expectations and she has been forced to procreate.
It is my understanding that the baby is due nine months and fifteen minutes after Wes Byrums' kick sailed through the uprights. Let's call it 11:30 cst on October 10th, +or- one hour to allow for the fact they were in attendance at the game and were in Mountain time.
I pray that God grants The Strowd's a healthy baby and that they enjoy the transition to parenthood. I pray more fervently that the baby looks like Kelli.
In related news, future attendees of events at "The University of Phoenix Stadium" in Glendale Az. are encouraged to not use the women's bathroom located between sections 203 and 204.
---
Those Slicers not bored to tears with my recent armadillo story will no doubt be interested to know that I killed another one. This time with a .22 rifle. The Helms Rd. scorecard now reads:
The Skippers: 3
Adam: 2
I've been closing the gap the past few months and I hope that I surpass them before armadillo season ends. If not, I'll use an * to mark their total, as there are 3 of them and only one of me. Either way, I'm sure to be the real winner, because I "dispose" of mine by leaving them in their yard...
---
Welcome to Adam's Razor, most notable for ranking ahead of Facebook, Google, and Youtube when listed in alphabetical order.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Averages, Gov't payoffs, &c.
It's becoming painfully clear that 2011 is going to see the Razor lose its status as the "World's Greatest Blog" and will most likely be relegated to somewhere in the middle of the pack. The concept of being "average" is not new to me. I'm average height, average weight, average athlete, &c. However for those of you not as comfortable with this concept, I've done you a favor and compiled some data for you to consider:
- The average phone number is 555-555-5555
- The average person has 1 fallopian tube.
- Sarah Palin's children average 46.2 chromosomes.
Those Slicers doubting the accuracy of the above facts are invited to look them up. I trust that you will find they are all true and you can then take comfort in the fact that just because the Razor is transitioning to a reduced level of output, it will still be educational (and offensive).
One last statistic and I'll move on. While researching the above, I also learned that 1 out of 4 kids with the initials A.D.D. actually has ADD. It occured to me that 4 out of 4 kids with the initials A.D. H-D. have an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn't just shut up and take her husbands last name...
---
I don't want to bore you with geopolitics but check this out. In a futile attempt to ward off a Tunisian-style civil revolt, many nations in the middle-east are trying to buy-off their populace. (Sadly, the previous sentence set a new Razor record for hyphenated words.) Here's what I'm talking about:
- In Kuwait, Emir Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah decreed that every Kuwaiti citizen receive a one-time payment of KD 1,000 (roughly $3,558), plus free food rations for 13 months beginning in February. Officially, the gifts are being made in coordination with the fifth anniversary of al-Sabah’s rule.
- In Syria, state media reported a government plan worth $250 million to help 420,000 impoverished families. Cash loans will be distributed to Syrian citizens who qualify for the aid beginning in February.
- In Sudan (the northern, Arab region*), the governor of Khartoum state announced measures designed to soften the blow of recent price hikes on commodities such as cooking oil and sugar. Free school meals and health insurance cards will be distributed to 30,000 students and their families.
In America, we've got a new season of American Idol to look forward to. As such, a more direct form of appeasement is probably not needed at this time.
---
See ya (not so?) soon.
*No e-mails please. I know that Sudan is in Africa and not the middle-east proper.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Binary, Armadillos, &c.
Those Slicers who enjoyed my now rather lengthy hiatus are welcomed, but will no doubt be disappointed to learn that I believe I have compiled enough material to write effectively and hilariously for at least the remainder of the week.
You may recall that from time to time I like to mess around with binary code (computer language consisting of only 1's and 0's). No surprise then that today while dating some paperwork I noticed that the six digit rendering of today's date is 011111. In binary this means: Error: Malformed binary. Your binary code must be divisible by 8. Who knew?
---
Remember when I found that dead opossum behind my office? I wrote about it here: Varmint Disposal. Thought you might like to know that my skills are not limited to the dearly departed. A week or two before Christmas, as I pulled into my driveway, I noticed an armadillo was attempting to destroy my carefully tended flower beds. This was the 2nd time I ran across the beast. The first time was about 11:30 at night and not wanting to interact on a personal basis with the creature, I chased him around the neighborhood with my Range Rover. Despite tearing up mine and my neighbors yard, I did no damage to the armadillo. Luckily, I think my neighbors have already accepted the fact that I'm a strange guy and so weren't overly surprised to see me doing donuts in their yard, at midnight, blaring the horn and cursing the critter.
Not wanting to let him get away again, I decided to pursue him on foot this time. Keep in mind I'd just left work and was wearing a suit and tie. I jumped out of the car, grabbed a baseball bat out of the garage, and gave chase to the armadillo, who by this time was about 50 yards away and headed full speed towards the perceived sanctuary of my neighbors yard. Sadly, video evidence of the episode does not exist. I sprinted 200 yards (in black dress shoes) which in my physical condition left me basically useless when I finally caught up to him. Nonetheless, I, on a dead run, crushed him with the bat.
While celebrating over his corpse, I was able to take these 2 (somewhat graphic) photos:
Not until the following morning, when my breathing returned to its normal state, was I was able to take my neighbor's phone call. He wanted to know if I knew why his backyard was overrun with buzzards. It seems that in my excitement, I'd forgotten to properly dispose of the carcass, allowing nature to take its course...
You may recall that from time to time I like to mess around with binary code (computer language consisting of only 1's and 0's). No surprise then that today while dating some paperwork I noticed that the six digit rendering of today's date is 011111. In binary this means: Error: Malformed binary. Your binary code must be divisible by 8. Who knew?
---
Remember when I found that dead opossum behind my office? I wrote about it here: Varmint Disposal. Thought you might like to know that my skills are not limited to the dearly departed. A week or two before Christmas, as I pulled into my driveway, I noticed an armadillo was attempting to destroy my carefully tended flower beds. This was the 2nd time I ran across the beast. The first time was about 11:30 at night and not wanting to interact on a personal basis with the creature, I chased him around the neighborhood with my Range Rover. Despite tearing up mine and my neighbors yard, I did no damage to the armadillo. Luckily, I think my neighbors have already accepted the fact that I'm a strange guy and so weren't overly surprised to see me doing donuts in their yard, at midnight, blaring the horn and cursing the critter.
Not wanting to let him get away again, I decided to pursue him on foot this time. Keep in mind I'd just left work and was wearing a suit and tie. I jumped out of the car, grabbed a baseball bat out of the garage, and gave chase to the armadillo, who by this time was about 50 yards away and headed full speed towards the perceived sanctuary of my neighbors yard. Sadly, video evidence of the episode does not exist. I sprinted 200 yards (in black dress shoes) which in my physical condition left me basically useless when I finally caught up to him. Nonetheless, I, on a dead run, crushed him with the bat.
While celebrating over his corpse, I was able to take these 2 (somewhat graphic) photos:
Not until the following morning, when my breathing returned to its normal state, was I was able to take my neighbor's phone call. He wanted to know if I knew why his backyard was overrun with buzzards. It seems that in my excitement, I'd forgotten to properly dispose of the carcass, allowing nature to take its course... ---
I notice that the quality of the writing above is not up to my usual standards. It might take me a few days to get into the swing of things. So I'll quit before I get further behind.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Catching up, Bullet point style...
Sorry for the unintended hiatus. In the past, it has been the Razor's modus operandi that if I don't have time to do something right, I throw it together haphazardly and publish it. This month it seems, even that has been impossible. To get caught up, some bullet points:
- Noticed the Time Magazine "Man of the Year" was awarded to a young man who started a website. Alas, it wasn't me. The Facebook guy...
- Got a Christmas Card from my Uncle Larry (who due to his dedication to the Razor, is quickly becoming one of my favorite uncles) and Aunt Fannie. They addressed it to me, and all of my staff at the Razor. Made me laugh.
- I missed the E-Visceration® I had planned for David Sconyers' birthday (12/17). Which is particularly tragic when you consider how old he is. Might not get to use it next year. Perhaps the eulogy?
- I've been considering adopting a child from a 3rd world country. It breaks my heart to see the deplorable conditions in the sweatshops where many of these kids are forced to work. Wouldn't it be fun to have his/her birthday party at Build-A-Bear Workshop?
- Did you hear about that kid who choked to death on the little Adam's apple from the boardgame "Operation"?
- Sorry about those last two bullet points, been dabbling in Irony lately.
- We the people of the USA. Jose, that doesn't include you, ese. (Admittedly, this joke works better in the spoken word, and would've been more timely a few months ago when illegal immigration was all the rage.)
- Do you have any idea how dumb I feel when someone asks me want I want for Christmas and I direct them to my website? Somewhere between pretty and very.
- I was looking for a way to end this post when my sister had the misfortune of sending me this text message: "Where is >redacted<'s gift being shipped too?" Knowing my policy on ending sentences with prepositions (I'm against it), she thoughtfully added an o to the end of "to" and rendered her question nonsensical. Cool.
If you see anyone that knows me, tell them I said "Merry Christmas".
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Word Cloud, Update on Saleh, &c.
In hindsight it was kinda dumb to drop out of Alicia Keys' "Digital Life Sacrifice" two days before she met her goal. Perhaps it was the Razor's dead weight that was holding them back. At the time, I had about a million things to blog, didn't think she'd ever make it, and pulled the plug. As it turns out, I forgot whatever it was I was so excited to blog about and didn't have time to write anyway.
For the record, Stewart Rahr, a Brooklyn-born Billionaire donated $500,000 to help them crest the $1 million hurdle. I could probably write an entire post about how empty his life must be that he'd donate half a million bucks to get celebs back on Twitter, but for now, we'll salute his generosity and move on.
---
Ever heard of a word cloud? A word cloud is a visual depiction of a sample of writing, typically used to describe the content of a web site. Here is a word cloud from the Razor:
The more frequently a word is used, the larger it is depicted in the cloud. Go to tagxedo if you want to make one of your own. I find my Cloud pretty fascinating and I think it depicts the Razor about right.
---
A quick update on Razor-Hero Amrullah al Saleh? I got an e-mail from a friend of his, it is reproduced here:
Dear Adam,
I just wanted to let you know that I met Mr. Saleh in Panjshir, and I showed him the photo of your wristband you’d sent me. He asked me to pass on his appreciation to you. I returned from Afghanistan to D.C. recently. I just forwarded your email to him as well.
Best,
Ahmad
If you're new to the Razor or have forgotten about Saleh, you can read my previous posts about him in the archives. In a later email, Ahmad told me that he had forwarded my contact info to Saleh, selfishly I hope to hear from him someday...
---
See ya.
For the record, Stewart Rahr, a Brooklyn-born Billionaire donated $500,000 to help them crest the $1 million hurdle. I could probably write an entire post about how empty his life must be that he'd donate half a million bucks to get celebs back on Twitter, but for now, we'll salute his generosity and move on.
---
Ever heard of a word cloud? A word cloud is a visual depiction of a sample of writing, typically used to describe the content of a web site. Here is a word cloud from the Razor:
The more frequently a word is used, the larger it is depicted in the cloud. Go to tagxedo if you want to make one of your own. I find my Cloud pretty fascinating and I think it depicts the Razor about right.
---
A quick update on Razor-Hero Amrullah al Saleh? I got an e-mail from a friend of his, it is reproduced here:
Dear Adam,
I just wanted to let you know that I met Mr. Saleh in Panjshir, and I showed him the photo of your wristband you’d sent me. He asked me to pass on his appreciation to you. I returned from Afghanistan to D.C. recently. I just forwarded your email to him as well.
Best,
Ahmad
If you're new to the Razor or have forgotten about Saleh, you can read my previous posts about him in the archives. In a later email, Ahmad told me that he had forwarded my contact info to Saleh, selfishly I hope to hear from him someday...
---
See ya.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Digital Resurection!
Talk about a backfire.
Last week I joined Alicia Keys and her friends in a goofy attempt to raise $1million for an AIDS related charity. I joined for two reasons. First, I wanted to point out the idiocy of celebrities "dying" on Facebook and Twitter in a silly attempt to blackmail their fans. Second, I figured it would only take a couple hours to raise the money and I was going to proclaim that the Razor (and its Slicers) were instrumental in raising the cash.
On the first count, it seems that the ridiculousness of the project didn't need pointing out. As I go to press, they are still only half way to their goal. It seems that most of their Facebook "friends" and Twitter "followers" don't care enough about social networking to actually pay for it. So my parody fell flat, and not for the first time...
And my estimation that they would raise the money quickly and I could heap glory on myself for having participated? Way off! I've seen dozens of things I wanted to blog, couldn't because I'd declared myself dead, and must now "resurrect" my digital self and my blog without receiving the glory that I so desperately desired.
Alicia baby, I love you. You were awesome in Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind". I hope you guys raise kazillions of dollars for your charity. I fully believe in your cause. But not enough to forego anymore blogging. Sorry for backing out, but I only ever joined to make fun of you and glorify myself. Also, you're smoking hot.
---
Ironically, while I was digitally dead, I had my greatest E-success. Not being able to blog or tweet, I decided to make a Hitler Parody video regarding the Iron Bowl (here). I spent about a half hour writing subtitles, linked it to a couple message boards, and expected that a few hundred Auburn fans would find it moderately amusing.
The ensuing deluge of views, comments, tweets, &c. was truly a sight to behold. At last count, my video had been viewed 8,500 times. People claim to have laughed so hard while watching it that they spit drinks on their monitor/keyboard and wet their pants. Although, with Auburn fans, it is likely that they would've done this with or without the video...
In 8+ months of Blogging, I've been trying as hard as I could to go "viral" with limited success. The Country Double Crossing posts were the most read items I'd ever written, generating a couple thousand page views over a 2 to 3 day period. How funny, that as soon as I joined the Alicia Keys thing and digitally died, I had my most successful Internet moment. Only the Razor...
---
I'll see ya.
Last week I joined Alicia Keys and her friends in a goofy attempt to raise $1million for an AIDS related charity. I joined for two reasons. First, I wanted to point out the idiocy of celebrities "dying" on Facebook and Twitter in a silly attempt to blackmail their fans. Second, I figured it would only take a couple hours to raise the money and I was going to proclaim that the Razor (and its Slicers) were instrumental in raising the cash.
On the first count, it seems that the ridiculousness of the project didn't need pointing out. As I go to press, they are still only half way to their goal. It seems that most of their Facebook "friends" and Twitter "followers" don't care enough about social networking to actually pay for it. So my parody fell flat, and not for the first time...
And my estimation that they would raise the money quickly and I could heap glory on myself for having participated? Way off! I've seen dozens of things I wanted to blog, couldn't because I'd declared myself dead, and must now "resurrect" my digital self and my blog without receiving the glory that I so desperately desired.
Alicia baby, I love you. You were awesome in Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind". I hope you guys raise kazillions of dollars for your charity. I fully believe in your cause. But not enough to forego anymore blogging. Sorry for backing out, but I only ever joined to make fun of you and glorify myself. Also, you're smoking hot.
---
Ironically, while I was digitally dead, I had my greatest E-success. Not being able to blog or tweet, I decided to make a Hitler Parody video regarding the Iron Bowl (here). I spent about a half hour writing subtitles, linked it to a couple message boards, and expected that a few hundred Auburn fans would find it moderately amusing.
The ensuing deluge of views, comments, tweets, &c. was truly a sight to behold. At last count, my video had been viewed 8,500 times. People claim to have laughed so hard while watching it that they spit drinks on their monitor/keyboard and wet their pants. Although, with Auburn fans, it is likely that they would've done this with or without the video...
In 8+ months of Blogging, I've been trying as hard as I could to go "viral" with limited success. The Country Double Crossing posts were the most read items I'd ever written, generating a couple thousand page views over a 2 to 3 day period. How funny, that as soon as I joined the Alicia Keys thing and digitally died, I had my most successful Internet moment. Only the Razor...
---
I'll see ya.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Anti-Social Networks
Slicers, I have some very important news to share with you. I have been asked to take part in the "Digital Life Sacrifice" organized by Alicia Keys to raise money for her charity, Keep a Child Alive. The premise is that we plan to sign off (Die in a Digital Manner) of all social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter on Wednesday, which is World AIDS Day. We participants will not sign back on until the charity raises $1 million for AIDS research.
In addition to the Razor, other participants in this farce include Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Jennifer Hudson, Ryan Seacrest, Kim Kardashian, Elijah Wood, and Serena Williams. So tomorrow when there is an empty void in your soul that can only be filled by short text messages (or mindless Facebook posts) from famous people, remember to head over to "Keep a Child Alive" and donate some money. It is my personal hope and prayer that the initiative stalls at $999,999.99. Thus raising the maximum amount of money for this worthy cause while still ensuring that we never have to read messages like this gem from Lady Gaga:
@ladygaga: It is a promising morning when your eyelash falls in your Folgers.
In addition to the Razor, other participants in this farce include Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Jennifer Hudson, Ryan Seacrest, Kim Kardashian, Elijah Wood, and Serena Williams. So tomorrow when there is an empty void in your soul that can only be filled by short text messages (or mindless Facebook posts) from famous people, remember to head over to "Keep a Child Alive" and donate some money. It is my personal hope and prayer that the initiative stalls at $999,999.99. Thus raising the maximum amount of money for this worthy cause while still ensuring that we never have to read messages like this gem from Lady Gaga:
@ladygaga: It is a promising morning when your eyelash falls in your Folgers.
Don't you hate when that happens?
---
Discerning Slicers might notice that I am only partially committed to the project as I do not have a Facebook Page, and must needs only remain silent on the Razor and Twitter. You are to be saluted for your attention to detail, but there is a perfectly good reason I don't have Facebook.
Facebook is run by communist control freaks with little to no sense of humor.
Many of you may have used MySpace before you migrated to Facebook. If so, this picture will look familiar to you:
That's Tom. Everyone's first Myspace friend. When joining Myspace, all users are automatically listed as Tom's friend. Too lazy to look up his current count, but at one time he had a couple hundred million friends.
Back to my story of Facebook being run by commies, I noticed that there was a mass exodus from Myspace and everyone was landing at Facebook. Sensing an opportunity for hilarity, I used Tom's photo and set up a Facebook page for the Myspace guy. After researching his birthdate, hometown, &c. I was ready to go. I tweeted my own wall and the walls of others every 15 minutes for three days. Examples of my wall posts:
- Facebook sux. I have 300,000,000 friends at Myspace and here I only have 12.
- Man, Facebook sux. I can't even embed music on my wall. How am I supposed to express my individuality?
- The girls over at Myspace post way skankier photos. Facebook is for losers.
After a couple days of antics, Stalin (or whichever commie is running Facebook) shut down my account and sent me a nasty e-mail. Apparently, it is a violation of their Terms of Service to open an account in someone else's name, speak truth to power, or have any fun at all. So I'm done with Facebook...
---
See ya, but not until we raise 1,000,000.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Iron Bowl 2010
With apologies to the Pilgrims, I'm saving my warm and heart-felt Thanksgiving Day post for next year. Since this is the last blogable day before the Iron Bowl, I wanted to catch my international Slicers up on the intense rivalry between The Auburn Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide.
Auburn comes into Fridays contest undefeated and ranked #2 in the BCS standings. Our arch-rivals, The Tide, fresh off an undefeated campaign themselves, will host us in a showdown scheduled to kick-off at 1:30 p.m. cst on Friday, November 24th. In last years' Iron Bowl, we tried to play the role of spoiler, hoping to hand the Tide their 1st loss of the season, thus ending their National Championship hopes. Alas, it was not to be. They defeated us, and everyone else on their schedule, en route to winning the BCS Trophy.
This year the roles are reversed. We have National Championship aspirations and Alabama, having lost twice, hopes to ruin our season. So it's set-up to be one for the ages.
For background, allow me to introduce the two head coaches. When Alabama Headcoach Nick Saban and Auburn Headcoach Gene Chizik were announced as the new hires at their respective schools, an impromptu pep rally broke out to greet them* upon their arrival at the airport. Here is the footage:
Nick Saban
Gene Chizik
Is it safe to say that we Auburn fans were a bit less enthusiastic? Need more evidence? Here:
Collette Connell, the co-star of this video, was arrested for DUI while leaving the event. Luckily, her license was only revoked for 3 years so she got it back in time to visit Wal-Mart to see Alabama's National Championship Trophy earlier this year. If you weren't able to make it to Wal-Mart, here is what you missed:
I would imagine that if Auburn were to win the trophy this year, we'll display it at a John Deere dealership...
---
My past attempts at writing poetry for this blog have been, to be kind, poorly received. As a result, I've decided to retire my own Iambic Pen(tameter) and copy and paste a poem written entirely by someone else. (boy, was that a cumbersome attempt at a poetry joke!) Here it is**:
Twas the Night before the Iron Bowl, when all through the land,
The media were searching for one eighty grand.
Cam wasn’t worried, he had not even a care,
The only thing puzzling him was, “Who is this Bear?”
The bams were all laughing and full of themselves,
Each one convinced there would be something else.
Thayer and Schlabaugh had broken the news,
And Finebaum was convinced there must be more shoes.
When out of the east, there arose a great fuss,
As each Auburn player made his way to the bus.
On toward t-town the driver did go,
It was just about time for Cam to put on his show.
Their plan was failing and lies being exposed,
As Cam rode on the bus and peacefully dozed.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But their miniature coach, awestruck with fear.
Standing five feet tall, a lively ole prick,
I knew in a moment it must be Lil’ Nick.
Curse those “War Eagles” his minions they came,
And he snorted and snarled as he called them by name.
“Now, Thayer! Now, Finebaum! Now Schad and Schlabaugh!
On Herbstreit! On Holtz! Yes! You’ve assisted the cause!
To ESPN, Fox News and them all,
Now bash away, bash away, bash away all.
We must tell more lies about cheating and cash,
Or pray to The Bear that their team bus will crash.
They are almost here and I don’t have plan.
No one has stopped him, he just ran and he ran!
I have watched so much film and I’ve plotted and schemed,
But he is much better than I ever had dreamed.
He zigs and he zags and I swear that he flies,
He does things on the field ne'r seen by my eyes.
We will not stop him, like so many before,
They will move the ball at will and easily score.
Our fans will be furious and then start to clamor,
When Cam jumps in the crowd and leads the reverse “rammer jammer”.
So off to Dallas I will run as fast as I can,
And meet with Jerry Jones, since he is the man.
I will leave bammer hanging and holding the bag,
Merry Christmas you rednecks, now print that on bamamag.
---
My prediction for the final score? Auburn 38, Alabama 21.
War Eagle and Roll Tide!!!
---
*Technically, the Auburn Airport video does not include Chizik. Rather it is the greeting Athletic Director Jay Jacobs received upon return from hiring Chizik. In adherence with Razor Rule #1, (never let the truth get in the way of a post) I've taken the liberty of assuming that idiot was booing Chizik.
**Vast portions of this poem are lost on anyone not intimately familiar with the "Cam Scam". Allegations that our best player is ineligible due to a pay-for-play scheme. Sorry, I didn't write it and whoever did, surely wasn't intending it for "mass consumption"...
Auburn comes into Fridays contest undefeated and ranked #2 in the BCS standings. Our arch-rivals, The Tide, fresh off an undefeated campaign themselves, will host us in a showdown scheduled to kick-off at 1:30 p.m. cst on Friday, November 24th. In last years' Iron Bowl, we tried to play the role of spoiler, hoping to hand the Tide their 1st loss of the season, thus ending their National Championship hopes. Alas, it was not to be. They defeated us, and everyone else on their schedule, en route to winning the BCS Trophy.
This year the roles are reversed. We have National Championship aspirations and Alabama, having lost twice, hopes to ruin our season. So it's set-up to be one for the ages.
For background, allow me to introduce the two head coaches. When Alabama Headcoach Nick Saban and Auburn Headcoach Gene Chizik were announced as the new hires at their respective schools, an impromptu pep rally broke out to greet them* upon their arrival at the airport. Here is the footage:
Nick Saban
Gene Chizik
Is it safe to say that we Auburn fans were a bit less enthusiastic? Need more evidence? Here:
Collette Connell, the co-star of this video, was arrested for DUI while leaving the event. Luckily, her license was only revoked for 3 years so she got it back in time to visit Wal-Mart to see Alabama's National Championship Trophy earlier this year. If you weren't able to make it to Wal-Mart, here is what you missed:
I would imagine that if Auburn were to win the trophy this year, we'll display it at a John Deere dealership...
---
My past attempts at writing poetry for this blog have been, to be kind, poorly received. As a result, I've decided to retire my own Iambic Pen(tameter) and copy and paste a poem written entirely by someone else. (boy, was that a cumbersome attempt at a poetry joke!) Here it is**:
Twas the Night before the Iron Bowl, when all through the land,
The media were searching for one eighty grand.
Cam wasn’t worried, he had not even a care,
The only thing puzzling him was, “Who is this Bear?”
The bams were all laughing and full of themselves,
Each one convinced there would be something else.
Thayer and Schlabaugh had broken the news,
And Finebaum was convinced there must be more shoes.
When out of the east, there arose a great fuss,
As each Auburn player made his way to the bus.
On toward t-town the driver did go,
It was just about time for Cam to put on his show.
Their plan was failing and lies being exposed,
As Cam rode on the bus and peacefully dozed.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But their miniature coach, awestruck with fear.
Standing five feet tall, a lively ole prick,
I knew in a moment it must be Lil’ Nick.
Curse those “War Eagles” his minions they came,
And he snorted and snarled as he called them by name.
“Now, Thayer! Now, Finebaum! Now Schad and Schlabaugh!
On Herbstreit! On Holtz! Yes! You’ve assisted the cause!
To ESPN, Fox News and them all,
Now bash away, bash away, bash away all.
We must tell more lies about cheating and cash,
Or pray to The Bear that their team bus will crash.
They are almost here and I don’t have plan.
No one has stopped him, he just ran and he ran!
I have watched so much film and I’ve plotted and schemed,
But he is much better than I ever had dreamed.
He zigs and he zags and I swear that he flies,
He does things on the field ne'r seen by my eyes.
We will not stop him, like so many before,
They will move the ball at will and easily score.
Our fans will be furious and then start to clamor,
When Cam jumps in the crowd and leads the reverse “rammer jammer”.
So off to Dallas I will run as fast as I can,
And meet with Jerry Jones, since he is the man.
I will leave bammer hanging and holding the bag,
Merry Christmas you rednecks, now print that on bamamag.
---
My prediction for the final score? Auburn 38, Alabama 21.
War Eagle and Roll Tide!!!
---
*Technically, the Auburn Airport video does not include Chizik. Rather it is the greeting Athletic Director Jay Jacobs received upon return from hiring Chizik. In adherence with Razor Rule #1, (never let the truth get in the way of a post) I've taken the liberty of assuming that idiot was booing Chizik.
**Vast portions of this poem are lost on anyone not intimately familiar with the "Cam Scam". Allegations that our best player is ineligible due to a pay-for-play scheme. Sorry, I didn't write it and whoever did, surely wasn't intending it for "mass consumption"...
Monday, November 22, 2010
Adam's Christmas Gift Wish List 2010
I am pleased to announce that Christena Brown has once again agreed to perform her function as Adam Thomas Gift Giving Coordinator. Ms. Brown comes to us with an extensive resume and very impressive credentials in various organizational fields.
Some of her past accomplishments include:
It occurs to me that many of you may not be familiar with the function(s) or standard operating procedure of the Adam Thomas Gift Coordination Department. Allow me a second to explain. As my friends and followers are distributed throughout the globe, there was a high level of concern, among the givers, that many of their gifts may be inadvertently duplicated. I heard your complaints, and developed a procedure to avoid any unnecessary duplicity. Please rest assured that The Gift Coordination Department was created, not to add an unnecessary level of bureaucracy, but to enhance and expedite your gift-giving experience. This program has been in place since 2008 for both Christmas and Birthdays and all kinks in the system have been worked out.
After receiving all of your submissions, Ms. Brown will catalog and categorize the entries, and inform you of your gifting responsibilities.
---
Adam Thomas' Christmas List 2010 Version 1.0
I would like all of my gifts wrapped in this paper.
Finally, unbeknowst to you, when you visit the Razor, your IP address is recorded. I've kept an extensive log of my Slicers personal information. If Ms. Brown does not receive your submission by 12/01/10, a gift will be assigned to you. Thanks for your cooperation.
Some of her past accomplishments include:
- Planning my entire life for the past 4+ years minute by minute.
- An attention to detail that is both mind-numbingly mundane and remarkably exhaustive in its application.
It occurs to me that many of you may not be familiar with the function(s) or standard operating procedure of the Adam Thomas Gift Coordination Department. Allow me a second to explain. As my friends and followers are distributed throughout the globe, there was a high level of concern, among the givers, that many of their gifts may be inadvertently duplicated. I heard your complaints, and developed a procedure to avoid any unnecessary duplicity. Please rest assured that The Gift Coordination Department was created, not to add an unnecessary level of bureaucracy, but to enhance and expedite your gift-giving experience. This program has been in place since 2008 for both Christmas and Birthdays and all kinks in the system have been worked out.
Instructions to the Giver:
- Extensively review the Adam Thomas Christmas List.
- Once you have determined which gift(s) you would like to purchase, submit your request(s) to Ms. Brown.
- Await notification from Ms. Brown.
After receiving all of your submissions, Ms. Brown will catalog and categorize the entries, and inform you of your gifting responsibilities.
- You are encouraged to submit your top three gift requests in the order of your preference. In the event that multiple givers wish to provide the same gift, Ms. Brown will assign the gift based on her sole discretion.
- Some of the factors Ms. Brown will consider when making her determination may include (but are not limited to): packaging and presentation, the inclusion of a card with the gift, and the spirit of the giver. With this in mind, it is important that when submitting your request, you include the details of your packaging plans (wrapping paper, gift bag, etc.) and why you feel you should be awarded one of your first two choices. In some instances, Ms. Brown reserves the right to request more information or clarification on specific details of your presentation.
---
Adam Thomas' Christmas List 2010 Version 1.0
- The Age of Deleveraging by Gary Shilling. In the good old days all Kindle books were $9.99. Not any more. Time for a Slicer to step up and subsidize my reading habit.
- Subscription to Stratfor. Stratfor is like a private CIA. Their work is required reading for those wishing to keep a finger on the pulse of the world's geopolitics.
- Gift Card from Charles Tyrwhitt. The British make the best suits and shirts. There is not a close 2nd.
- XBOX 360 - The new CoD looks too awesome to miss.
- Ticket to the BCS Championship Game. With two tough matchups left, there is always the possibility that the Auburn Tigers won't be competing in this event. You'll be forgiven for waiting until 12/5 to make this gifting decision.
- Courses from The Teaching Company: Books That Have Made History: Books That Can Change Your Life, Foundations of Western Civilization, Art of Critical Decision Making, or Conservative Tradition.
- Rubber Mulch Tree Ring - Due to volume pricing on trees and poor decision making by me, I need about 200 of these things.
- Ed Hardy Hoodie - The required wardrobe for all pretentious hipsters...
- Sharpie Liquid Pencil - The folks over at Sharpie have apparently decided that something like the pencil–an invention that has existed as a graphite/lead-based writing implement for time immemorial–needed reinventing. The liquid pen(cil’s) tip is a super-fine 0.5 mm, giving it the same precision of a mechanical pencil.
- OFFSIDE coat hook - This thing looks pretty cool.
- IPad - I was writing my novel with a pencil. Not finishing it till someone gets me one of these.
I would like all of my gifts wrapped in this paper.
Finally, unbeknowst to you, when you visit the Razor, your IP address is recorded. I've kept an extensive log of my Slicers personal information. If Ms. Brown does not receive your submission by 12/01/10, a gift will be assigned to you. Thanks for your cooperation.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
An open letter to Michael Strowd
If there was ever a Razor post that you Slicers had my permission to skip, this is it. Today's offering is aimed at motivating thestrowd to return to his blogging ways. The last thing he posted on either of his blogs was in July and was a video of his wife cutting grass. This football season has taken quite a toll on Michael. Watching his team win all of its games (so far) was nearly more than he could bear. Further, he appointed himself "Facebook Guardian of the Tiger Legacy", which has caused not only mental anguish for himself, but may very well split his family right down the middle. Those of you who decide to read my open letter to the Strowd may very well take issue with some of the things I say about various fanbases. Your comments will not be well received. In my lifetime I've seen every school in our conference engage in more acts of classlessness than I care to document on this blog. Attempts to persuade me that your school/team/fanbase is better than mine, will fall on deaf ears. Rather, I've accepted the fact that all schools have a great many "fans" that they'd be better off without. Whichever school you've chosen to follow, I salute you for your passion and look forward to seeing you on the field. I'm also open to receiving good-natured "ribbing" when you team defeats mine. It is not the attempt of this post to declare my teams supremacy. Far from it, in fact. Rather, the motivation is to get thestrowd back in the game.
Dear Strowd,
Please take a few moments away from your ongoing Facebook Flame War and consider making a triumphant return to the Blogosphere. It hurts my soul to hear tales of a formerly great Blogger being caught up in e-skirmishes on social networking sites. In 9 short days The Iron Bowl will be contested on the field, not in newspapers and not on Facebook. Bragging rights will then be awarded to the victorious fanbase. Banishing your Mom's side of the family to de-friended purgatory? You are a Blogger, and as such, I expect more from you.
Not only are you a Blogger, you are a multi-Blogger. Or I should say, you WERE a multi-Blogger. Did you know that thestrowd.com has gone offline? That's right. While you've been feeding the Facebook frenzy, your blog-server went down like Aaron Murray after a late hit to the back. Pull it together man!
Unless you traveled to the top of Mount Ararat where the Almighty God presented you with stone tablets instructing you to defend the Auburn Tigers from any and all attacks from opposing fanbases, STOP.
If after 11 weeks of College Football your dear Aunt Bertha finally realized that our defensive lineman don't like the opposing team's quarterbacks, I'd wonder why she chose your "wall" to document her findings, but I'd also salute her. And wonder where she has been the rest of the season. Steven Garcia, Kyle Parker, Ryan Mallett, Jarrett Lee, and Aaron Murray walked onto Pat Dye Field and were carried off. It's a contact sport.
The 2010 Auburn Tigers are the equivalent of the 1990's Miami Hurricanes? If any fanbase should fear talk of Miami, it ain't us. (This is an allusion to the Agent funded trips to Miami that many of our foes received.)
Auburn paid Cam Newton to play for us? Not your battle. There is an army of FBI agents, NCAA investigators, and half-wit journalists scouring the Southeast for evidence. If we paid him, it'll come out. Until then, try not to wet your pants every time someone with an agenda strings together enough words to form a semi-coherent thought that you don't agree with. We enjoy a season like this every 5-10 years and I fear you may be letting them spoil it for you.
More importantly, the Blogosphere needs you. I realize that since you went inactive with His Mercy Endureth Forever , the Razor has steadily improved to become one of the nations leading blogs, but there is enough bandwidth out there for all of us. Do not be intimidated by the Razor's ascension. As you know, you are the one who introduced me to Blogging and without you...
Further, there is a void left by your absence that the Razor can't fill. Because I made the decision long ago to write the Razor tongue-in-cheek, I can't address many important topics like spirituality, religion, &c. It would seem disingenuous for me to campaign for sexually promiscuous politicians one day and discuss "faith" the next. I made that sacrifice for the sake of hilarity. That is where you come in.
Your writing contains a sense of sincerity that I could never attempt to duplicate. My forte is supercilious narcissism, which has some comedic value, but any attempt at earnestness is confusing to the reader. Your writing style is fun for the reader, allows your passion to show through, and gives us an intimate look at what makes you thestrowd.
As evidence, I've linked both of our posts about the BP-Gulf Oil Spill (adam's and strowd's). Even a casual observer will notice the contrast in our writings. Frankly, I'm sure many people would like to read more of yours, and less of mine. Indulge them.
Inasmuch as you still want to continue your role as the Captain of the Auburn Tigers E-Cheerleading Squad, I would posit that your blog would offer a more productive venue. You have complete control of content, can shape the argument however you'd like, and are able to use various links, embeds, &c. that the commies at Facebook don't allow.
If you still haven't found my arguement convincing, I implore you to watch this video. What is it? This is a video of Cam Newton celebrating the victory over the Georgia Leghumpers. Towards the end of the video you'll see him answer his cellphone. Check it out:
As I'm sure you suspect, that was me calling Cam. I told him that thestrowd was considering getting back in the blog business. For the past four days, Cam has been sitting infront of his (slightly used) laptop, frantically refreshing your blog, awaiting your new material. The entire Athletic Department is in a tizzy. He refuses to practice until your blog is updated.
While he should have been watching film of the Crimson Tide, he has been watching your wife mow grass. So you don't have to blog for me, you don't have blog for your faithful readers, but for the love of Bo Jackson, blog for the Tigers!
Sincerely,
Adam
P.S. I have a sweet logo and a line of mechandise. You don't.
Dear Strowd,
Please take a few moments away from your ongoing Facebook Flame War and consider making a triumphant return to the Blogosphere. It hurts my soul to hear tales of a formerly great Blogger being caught up in e-skirmishes on social networking sites. In 9 short days The Iron Bowl will be contested on the field, not in newspapers and not on Facebook. Bragging rights will then be awarded to the victorious fanbase. Banishing your Mom's side of the family to de-friended purgatory? You are a Blogger, and as such, I expect more from you.
Not only are you a Blogger, you are a multi-Blogger. Or I should say, you WERE a multi-Blogger. Did you know that thestrowd.com has gone offline? That's right. While you've been feeding the Facebook frenzy, your blog-server went down like Aaron Murray after a late hit to the back. Pull it together man!
Unless you traveled to the top of Mount Ararat where the Almighty God presented you with stone tablets instructing you to defend the Auburn Tigers from any and all attacks from opposing fanbases, STOP.
If after 11 weeks of College Football your dear Aunt Bertha finally realized that our defensive lineman don't like the opposing team's quarterbacks, I'd wonder why she chose your "wall" to document her findings, but I'd also salute her. And wonder where she has been the rest of the season. Steven Garcia, Kyle Parker, Ryan Mallett, Jarrett Lee, and Aaron Murray walked onto Pat Dye Field and were carried off. It's a contact sport.
The 2010 Auburn Tigers are the equivalent of the 1990's Miami Hurricanes? If any fanbase should fear talk of Miami, it ain't us. (This is an allusion to the Agent funded trips to Miami that many of our foes received.)
Auburn paid Cam Newton to play for us? Not your battle. There is an army of FBI agents, NCAA investigators, and half-wit journalists scouring the Southeast for evidence. If we paid him, it'll come out. Until then, try not to wet your pants every time someone with an agenda strings together enough words to form a semi-coherent thought that you don't agree with. We enjoy a season like this every 5-10 years and I fear you may be letting them spoil it for you.
More importantly, the Blogosphere needs you. I realize that since you went inactive with His Mercy Endureth Forever , the Razor has steadily improved to become one of the nations leading blogs, but there is enough bandwidth out there for all of us. Do not be intimidated by the Razor's ascension. As you know, you are the one who introduced me to Blogging and without you...
Further, there is a void left by your absence that the Razor can't fill. Because I made the decision long ago to write the Razor tongue-in-cheek, I can't address many important topics like spirituality, religion, &c. It would seem disingenuous for me to campaign for sexually promiscuous politicians one day and discuss "faith" the next. I made that sacrifice for the sake of hilarity. That is where you come in.
Your writing contains a sense of sincerity that I could never attempt to duplicate. My forte is supercilious narcissism, which has some comedic value, but any attempt at earnestness is confusing to the reader. Your writing style is fun for the reader, allows your passion to show through, and gives us an intimate look at what makes you thestrowd.
As evidence, I've linked both of our posts about the BP-Gulf Oil Spill (adam's and strowd's). Even a casual observer will notice the contrast in our writings. Frankly, I'm sure many people would like to read more of yours, and less of mine. Indulge them.
Inasmuch as you still want to continue your role as the Captain of the Auburn Tigers E-Cheerleading Squad, I would posit that your blog would offer a more productive venue. You have complete control of content, can shape the argument however you'd like, and are able to use various links, embeds, &c. that the commies at Facebook don't allow.
If you still haven't found my arguement convincing, I implore you to watch this video. What is it? This is a video of Cam Newton celebrating the victory over the Georgia Leghumpers. Towards the end of the video you'll see him answer his cellphone. Check it out:
As I'm sure you suspect, that was me calling Cam. I told him that thestrowd was considering getting back in the blog business. For the past four days, Cam has been sitting infront of his (slightly used) laptop, frantically refreshing your blog, awaiting your new material. The entire Athletic Department is in a tizzy. He refuses to practice until your blog is updated.
While he should have been watching film of the Crimson Tide, he has been watching your wife mow grass. So you don't have to blog for me, you don't have blog for your faithful readers, but for the love of Bo Jackson, blog for the Tigers!
Sincerely,
Adam
P.S. I have a sweet logo and a line of mechandise. You don't.
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