@adamsrazor vs. @adamsgoatee - Baby-faced Blogger vs. Baby-faced Superstar

Today I offer, to the best of my ability, the complete detailing of my recent encounter with an anatomical part of a former American Idol runner-up, specifically Adam Lambert's goatee. The media coverage of our heated battle has ranged from insufficient to inaccurate and in an attempt to set the record straight, I offer this:

While I have not closely followed the career of Adam Lambert, I certainly remember when he competed on American Idol. Further, not long after his song "What do you want from me?" was released, I was in a hotel lobby in Malaysia and overheard the girl working the desk singing a wonderful rendition the song. So as far as I'm concerned he's an international superstar. His sexual orientation and glamorous makeup are a bit unconventional where I come from, but I salute him for his individuality.

This paragraph contains information that I did not know last week, but learned as this drama unfolded. I've presented it to you here so you can fully understand our e-feud. In an effort to mix things up a little bit, Adam Lambert recently grew a goatee. As soon as this goatee was announced on Perez Hilton, his faithful fans stormed out of their closets and rioted in their local hipster-boutiques. Not all of his fans were thrilled with the goatee. In fact, many were quite passionate about their dislike for it. Within a matter of days, his goatee took on a life of its own, to the point where Adam created a separate Twitter account, @adamsgoatee where the goatee tweets in the 1st person. Here are two photos of Lambert, with and without the goatee. You are invited to form you own opinion.















So Friday night, I met Christena at Outback for dinner. Old fashioned Slicers might think that after nearly 5 years of dating, I would finally be comfortable enough to pick her up at her house so we could ride to the restaurant together. Alas, I've found this particular dating method a tad to, shall we say, restrictive. Far better to take separate cars. In the event the meal goes horrible wrong, as is often the case with me, I can just high-tail it outta there and avoid an awkward drive back to her place...

Upon exiting the restaurant and walking out to my car, my phone notified me that I had been mentioned on Twitter. As I'm sure you can imagine this is highly unusual. I have a limited number of followers and just use it to announce that a new article is up on the Razor. I've only been mentioned a couple times in the year or so since I set it up. The text of the mentioning tweet looked like this:

AdamAdamAdam3: someone should set up a twitter account called @adamsrazor and pick a fight with @adamsgoatee.

Clearly, AdamAdamAdam3 didn't know there was already an @adamsrazor or he wouldn't have sent out the message, but I thought, "Hey, I don't mind picking a fight with this goatee. In fact, it might be kinda fun". So I sent this message:

@adamsgoatee - I've got my shaving cream lathered up. I'm coming for that furball. #skinwins

I fell asleep before getting any responses, but the next morning my Twitter account was going off like Tiger Wood's text messaging. While trying to figure out what was going on, I realized that this wasn't just any garden variety goatee, it was Adam Lambert's goatee. The weight of the responsibility hit me like a ton of eyeliner. The happiness of a globe full of Glamberts was resting on the success of my mission. Failure to remove the world's most controversial facial hair could have a negative impact on an entire generation.

In an attempt at hilarity, my next tweet was a play on the lyrics from his multi-platinum hit "What do you want from me?". It is reproduced here:

@AdamsGoatee -What do I want from you? What do I want from you? For you to be little black specks in my bathroom sink!
23 Apr Favorite Reply

Sadly, the Goatee has gone into hiding. The last thing the world has heard from it was this tweet, over 48 hours ago:

AdamsGoatee Adams Goatee

@adamsrazor I am a peaceful goatee. sir. No need to fight! Still, #fuzzyforever

Glamberts, you have no need to worry. I am dedicated to your cause. This goatee will be located. It will be removed with a gentle touch, and Adam's face will no longer be concealed by hair. Instead, it will be concealed by copious amounts of make-up, eye liner, and mascara.

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Any Adam Lambert fans that wander onto the Razor are encouraged not to take offense at any portion of the above nonsense. The Razor is written entirely tongue-in-cheek. I hope you take it in the spirit it was poorly written, an attempt at humor.