Two posts in one day! What did you slicers do to deserve such good fortune? Not much. I'm just feeling benevolent today. Why? I'm still reveling in a glorious victory from last night. No, I'm not a Lakers fan. I defeated my ladyfriend in a match of Bananagrams. Bananagrams is like fast paced Scrabble with no board. I'm the reigning Malaysian champ, which is no small feat considering my opponent in the finals was fluent in 4 languages, and conversational in about a half dozen more obscure dialects. (Anjira, if you're reading this, keep your comments to yourself. I know "bangsa" means tribe in West Coast Bajou, but we agreed to "modified international rules" before the match started.)
So last night I challenged Christena to a match. She only agreed to play me after I committed to playing left handed. Sucker.
Here's her layout:
For comparison, here's mine:
A few notable differences stand out:
My longest word: 11 letters. Hers: 5 I used both Q,s and both Z's. Including the word "Qat" (evergreen shrub, look it up). She used both X's. Big deal, she spelled "ex" twice. First of all, I'm not even sure "Ex" is a word. I assume she was using it in the "ex-boyfriend" sense. Which is probably what I'll be if anyone reads this post to her.
If only the good people at Dale County High School had taught her some 6 letter words... That's a lot to ask considering the amount of time they spent learning to drive tractors, brush their teeth, and make rednecky lawn ornaments in the ag shop.
DISCLAIMER: While the facts listed above are mostly true, Christena is a very intelligent and highly skilled young (!) lady. The main purpose of this post is to promote my Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Gold Package. Wouldn't you like to see your father lampooned on The Razor? Sign up now before the calendar fills up. I'm only doing one father per day. Once your Dad's birthday is taken, it's over.
What do you get for the Father who has everything? Easy, a subscription to Adam's Razor. For a limited time, I'm offering "The Fathers Day Special". Details below:
-Economy Subscription- On a budget? Don't love your dad that much? No problem. Attractively priced at $29.95, the economy subscription package says "Dad, I appreciate you teaching me to be cheap, have a nice year", while barely denting your already overdrawn checking account. Your father will receive an impersonal email from me with the message:
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say, "Yeah? When?"
Of coursed his subscription will also include access to virtually* all of the content I produce throughout the year.
-Bronze Subscription- At $59.95, the Bronze package is ideal for those slicers who have a mediocre father. This middle of the road subscription includes a slightly more personal email message from me, and an official Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Coffee Mug**.
Clearly this mug contains a photo of my father. Your purchase can include a picture of your Dad. If your father is not particularly photogenic, I have several stock father photos for you to choose from.
His email will contain the greeting:
"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
-Silver Subscription- $99.95 When you care enough to send the (almost) very best. This package includes an email, the Coffee Mug**, and an official Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Polo Shirt.
Your father's email will contain the following message:
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."
-Gold Subscription***- $499.95 Would you like you father to be immortalized on The Razor? This is your chance. This package includes a highly personalized email, the Coffee Mug**, the Polo Shirt, and a blog post on his next birthday. Too good to be true? Hardly. You read it right. On your father's next birthday, he will be greeted with a heavy dose of e-lambasting right here on the Razor. Never before have I sold access to my sarcastic genius, but if you love your father enough, I'll hit him with the most linguistically creative e-roasting in my arsenal.
** If your father is a worthless drunk, you can substitute an official Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Whisky Flask in lieu of the coffee mug. Picture not currently available...
*** Financing is available for the Gold Package. Two easy monthly payments of $150.00 followed by a slightly more difficult payment of 199.95
I know I promised not to ridicule Al Gore (here), but it is becoming exceedingly difficult to refrain. Today we find out that the Gores' 40-year marriage ends not because they "grew apart", but because he was having an affair with Laurie David. Read about it here: link
For background, Laurie David is a rabid environmentalist and the ex-wife of Larry David. She helped produce Al Gore's movie. Larry David is the comedic genius who brought us "Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusaism".
Let's get the unpleasantries out of the way first. The cast of this love quadrangle:
If you read through the article I've linked above, you'll no doubt be stunned by this quote: “Al and Laurie went from friends to lovers," an insider tells Star. "It couldn’t be avoided."
Sleeping with Al Gore couldn't be avoided? Really? If only she'd met him when he had his horrendous beard.
On second thought, was the beard any worse than this?
It should be noted that Mrs. David has denied the rumors. Then again, who besides Tipper would admit to sleeping with that beast.
I know Mrs. David is an advocate of buying "Carbon Offsets" to counteract her energy use. I wonder if there is anywhere she could purchase some "Disgusting Offsets"?
Regular readers of The Razor are no doubt aware that I have expended considerable energy lately lampooning the State of South Carolina (you can read my recent comments on S. Carolina here and here). In an ironic twist, I nearly found myself traveling there this weekend.
My ladyfriend has some family business to attend to, and asked me to come along. In an ordinary year, I'd be delighted to visit such a lovely state. This isn't an ordinary year. This is an election year. And in S. Carolina, you know what that means: sexual deviants line up to compete for the states highest office, "The Luv Gov".
For those unfamiliar with S. Carolina's sordid political past, I'll re-cap. Gov. Mark Sanford got caught last year "hiking the Appalachian trail" with his Argentinian girlfriend. His wife was not pleased. Luv Gov. Sanford is term-limited this year, he can't run again. The women of South America are distraught, but many suitors have lined up to take his place. Distinguishing herself from the pack of would-be Playgovs, Nikki Haley. Mrs. Haley, buoyed by two sex scandals of her own, just finished first place in the Republican Primary.
Which brings me to my point. In a primary election, to win, you must collect 50.1% of the vote. With four candidates in the recent primary, Mrs. Haley fell 5226 votes short of the needed plurality. As a result, a run-off election has been scheduled for June 22nd. So Mrs. Haley has less than 2 weeks left to round up the 5000+ votes she needs to secure the republican nomination. What method of "politicking" do you think she'll use? I'll give you three guesses.
Combine the pace at which Mrs. Haley's is going to have to "campaign" and her known penchant for bloggers, and I just don't feel comfortable spending the weekend anywhere near S. Carolina. I fear she may love me up so fast I won't even be able to show her my State of Alabama Voter Registration Card.
Fortunately, Christena and I were able to "reach across the aisle" and come up with a compromise. I'll travel with her to the border between Georgia and S. Carolina and spend the weekend in Statesboro, Ga. Should be fun. At the present time, there are no plans to document the weekend with slideshows or youtube videos. Readers caught celebrating will be punished.
Do you mind one more South Carolinian political tidbit? The curious case of Alvin Greene (click the link, it's worth it). He just won the Democratic nomination for U.S. Senate. He did so with no campaign headquarters, no party support, no contributions, no job, no computer and no cell phone. He got 58% of the vote with no political infrastructure at all! Amazing.
He's also facing a felony charge. He is accused of showing pornographic images to a college student last October. I don't want to be cynical, but is that a crime? In South Carolina, showing pornography to a registered voter is called campaigning.
So much has been written about Afghanistan over the past 10 years that I hesitate to even mention it on the Razor, but events have compelled me to. In fact, the war has lasted so long that most Americans regard all news broadcasts with apathy. I'm as frustrated with the situation as anybody else, but today my blood is absolutely boiling.
Allow me some back story (please). Prior to the September 11th attacks, the Taliban had ruled Afghanistan for about a decade. The crimes they committed against the Afghani people are hideous and nearly unspeakable. For detailed accounts of the torture and inhumanity of their acts, you should read The Kite Runner. It is easily the most emotionally impacting book that I've ever read. It would've been nice if we'd sent the entire force of the US military to defeat them in the 1990's. The cause of liberating the Afghan people would've been justification enough. Unfortunately for the Afghani's (and the victims of the 9/11 attacks), we had to see our own people die before we were willing to commit the resources to solve the problem. I'm not making an indictment of our pre-9/11 leadership, merely observing that if we would've fought the war then, the Afghani's would've been spared several years of cruelty and we would still have the World Trade Center.
But history is history and it took the 9/11 attacks to provide the catalyst for us to declare war on the Taliban. We chose (correctly in my opinion) to fight the initial phase of the war with a very small number of US soldiers. We sent in Special Ops guys and CIA agents to fight alongside the Northern Alliance and other Anti-Taliban groups. This allowed us to begin the war in a much quicker time-frame than using 250,000+ US troops.
I would like you to take just a few moments to consider the war from the prospective of the average Afghani.
After surviving for years under Taliban rule, they had learned how to cope. It is almost impossible for our American minds to comprehend, but the average Afghani has a completely different expectation as to what a government is supposed to provide to its populace. In America we expect water, sewer, garbage collection, police protection, retirement benefits, healthcare, etc. In Afghanistan few of these services were even imaginable. For an Afghani, best to stay off the radar, don't raise government suspicion or you'll get to watch a gang of Taliban thugs rape you wife and torture your kids before they shoot you in the head.
So the United States shows up and offers a deal. Help us overthrow the Taliban and we'll help you build a democracy. We'll bring you freedom. We'll stop the oppression. Imagine once again that you're an Afghani. You know what will happen if the US fails. Everyone who opposed the Taliban will be killed, raped, tortured, etc. Even facing these potential consequences, many of them helped us. They helped us not because they were pissed about the WTC crumbling to the ground, but because we offered a brighter future for them and their families.
Nearly 9 years later the Taliban is no longer a threat to America. We can rest easy at night knowing that their organization is no longer capable of harming us. They can no longer offer a safe haven to Al Queda. I'm not saying that the War on Terror is over, only that if Al Queda wants to train fighters for an attack on the US, they better do it in Pakistan, Yemen, etc. Nearly 9 years later the Taliban is still a threat to the Afghans. Our responsibility to the Afghan people has not been fulfilled. If we fail, the people who helped us will be killed, and within a few years the terror networks will be rebuilt. Our safety will again be compromised.
Obviously the problems in Afghanistan are many. Mistakes have been made, by us and by them. The ultimate solution lies outside of the scope of this blog. I don't have any more answers than anyone else. What I do know is that we can not abandon them. Our enemy is not defeated. Our stated goals and objectives are not met yet. Our promises are not fulfilled. The morality, politics, and principles of being America require that we be there.
The bolded section of the previous paragraph is not my words. They are words of one of my heroes, Amrullah Saleh. During 2001/02 Saleh fought alongside CIA operatives to help us defeat the Taliban. Once the war was won and a new government was formed, Saleh became the head of Afghanistan’s intelligence agency, known as the National Directorate of Security. Since then, he has worked alongside Hamid Karzai, the Afghani president, trying to stabilize the nation. I think he represents are best chance for peace in Afghanistan. He understands the nature of the terrorists. He has a vision for the future of his country. He did not fight with us because of the 9/11 attacks. He was fighting for his people. Osama bin Laden can not engender a vision for this world or for this country. Mullah Omar is the same.
I first learned about Amrullah Saleh through a 60 minutes broadcast that I've linked below. I was more impressed by him than anyone I've ever seen on TV. In fact, I was so moved by his story that I wanted to ensure that I never forgot about him. To that end, I sewed his name into the wristband that I never take off. This is the famous "Cambio" wristband that you can read about here. It was act of sewing his name into the original band that caused it to break. Luckily, I had many backups. I resewed his name, and have worn it with pride ever since. One side says Cambio (for Cuba), and one side says Saleh. Here is a photo:
You might consider it weird, but that's ok. I've thought of him and his fight everyday. He has a wife and young children. Everyday for (at least) 6 years, people have tried to kill him.
Today he was fired.
Why? It's complicated, but assuming you've read this far, I'll try to explain. Last year when Barack Obama committed to sending more troops to Afghanistan, he did so with a time table. He committed to drawing down our troops from Afghanistan beginning next summer, 2011. This is a tremendous mistake. Why put a time table at all? We've been in S. Korea for 60+ years. We've had troops all over the world for a very long time. Why not announce that we'll be in Afghanistan (and Iraq, but that's a different war) for all eternity? Why not convince the wonderful people of Afghanistan that we'll be there until they don't need us any longer? Why not convince our enemy that we'll be there until they are converted or dead?
When we placed the time table, we forced Hamid Karzai's hand. Hamid Karzai is not a bad guy. He's made some mistakes, but so has everyone. He is trying to hold together a government under the worst of circumstances. And he's now in a very bad position. He's having to distance himself from the US. His enemies consider him a US puppet, and believe that all they've got to do is wait till the puppet master goes home (next summer). So, between now and then he's gotta convince them he's not a puppet. So we lose our best man in the Afghan government. Sucks. Karzai has now begun negotiating with the remaining Taliban fighters. And not from a position of strength, but from a position of weakness. The Taliban knows they can just wait us out. Amrullah Saleh has a great relationship with the US and our allies, and he has been fighting this (the negotiating with terrorists) tooth and nail.
Here is a quote describing part of the disagreement between Saleh and Karzai: “The president issued a decree to start looking at the release (from prison) of some Taliban, and I’m sure Amrullah Saleh would not see eye to eye on this and he indicated that it would not be good for security.”
So I'm not necessarily upset with Karzai for firing him, but I'm disgusted with the situation.
What will the future bring for Saleh? Don't know. Everyday since I've been aware of him, I expected to read that he'd been blown up. Now that he's not an official member of government, I wonder how he'll protect himself and his family. He's killed lots of al-Queda... There's an Afghan election in 3 months, wonder if he'll run? Hope so. We need him bad. Could he tour the US and Europe building support for Afghanistan? He'd be great at it. I doubt he'd do it. He once said, I'm a warrior, I don't "meet the press".
If Karzai continues to move his government away from the US, how long will it be until we no longer share common goals? If we pull out of Afghanistan, are we willing to sit back and watch 2,000,000 people die at the hands of the Taliban? People who helped us when we needed them, based on our promise of hope.
What can we do? Don't know. I wrote this. Seems kinda pointless since so few people even read my blog.
What can you do? Don't know. It just seems reprehensible to sit back and watch.
Amrullah Saleh is just one of many people who took the deal. He helped us defeat the Taliban. Helped us destroy the Al-Queda network in Afghanistan. Now we seem poised to squander it.
Here are 60 minute videos I promised. I hope if you watch them, they'll impact you like they did me. I hope you won't miss an opportunity to tell people why we must stay in Afghanistan.
Do you mind a quick update on a story I did last week? Linked here: Nikki Haley
To summarize last weeks news, blogger Will Folks announced that he had an "inappropriate physical relationship" with Mrs. Haley who is running for governor of South Carolina. I was concerned that this might set a dangerous precedent regarding political-candidate/blogger activities. I even contemplated shutting The Razor down to avoid the potential sexual advances of our local politicians.
I have good news gentle readers. As it turns out, Mrs. Haley's liaison with Mr. Folks was not related to his blogging activities. As a matter of fact, it seems that Mrs. Haley wasn't interested in sex with bloggers at all. Rather, her primary motive seems to be winning the election by having sex with most of the registered voters in the State of South Carolina.
That's right. She's at it again. "Larry Merchant, a lobbyist and former campaign worker for Haley's opponent in the state's Republican primary said Wednesday he had a one-night stand with her in 2008, at a conference in Salt Lake City". You can read more of the story here.
Three down (I'm presuming we can count her husband), many more South Carolians to go. In related news, the housing market in South Carolina has experienced a bit of a rebound as desperate males rush to get in before the polls close.
In should be noted that Mrs. Haley has denied all of the allegations. If you would like to read a recent National Review article that is favorable to her, it is located here. In 9 out of 10 elections I'll support NR's candidate. In this case, I'm especially hopeful. It's nice not having to wake up in the morning and say, "What am I gonna blog today?". With Haley as Governor, these things will practically write themselves.
While reading the article linked above, I noticed that Mrs. Haley is the "first Indian-American GOP state legislator in the country". I've looked at many photos of Mrs. Haley in an attempt to determine if she is and Indian (red dot on forehead, smells like curry) or an Indian (feathered headdress). I can't tell. I kinda miss the old days when Native Americans were referred to as Savages and Indians ran hotels not for office...
EDIT: Forgot to embed this video in the original post. If she's not Governor material, I don't know who is! Just glad I'm not married to her (for more reasons than one...).
I know you've been frantically refreshing The Razor, anxiously awaiting my blistering sarcasm with regards to today's news concerning Al and Tipper Gore and their impending divorce.
For the 1st time since the Razor's inception, I'm gonna have to disappoint you.
Making fun of Al Gore is just too easy, and I don't want to waste good jokes on a buffoon.
I do offer congratulations to Tipper.
Please accept my sincere apology. I will make it up to you soon.
Over the years, many people have asked me the secret to my perfect necktie knots. My answer is always the same, "If you want your neck wear to perform, you better save up and buy something nice". The ties I wear are handmade by English peasants and transported across the Atlantic Ocean via ship.
This answer, while helpful, is not the complete story. Many years ago I mastered all four of the main knots used to knot neckties. I am equally adept at the 4-in-Hand, the Pratt, the 1/2 Windsor, and Windsor. (Some refer to the Windsor as a Double Windsor. This is a mistake. I attempted a true Double Windsor one time and I couldn't button my coat around the beast.) Why master all four styles? As you probably know, the preferred knot size changes with the times, much like the length of a woman's skirt, and maximum flexibility is achieved only through practice. If you want to know the currently preferred knot size, a general rule of thumb is to watch Sports Center, and duplicate that which you see. Do not trust the attire of talkshow hosts, weathermen, or the anchor of your local news.
Since the razor is a travel/political sex scandal blog, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm addressing fashion today. Good question.
Some years ago, when my grandfather died, I came to possess a couple of his ties. Since his birthday would've been this weekend, I decided to wear one of them today. While fashionable in its time, referring to this polyester baby as vintage, would be a bit of an understatement. To satisfy your curiosity, I've included an image of it here:
Notice the 60's green and orange. And yes, that is an alligator eating a hunter. I love it.
Mind if I indulge in a story about my Papa? Several years before he passed away, he called me on the phone. His request? The Baltimore Orioles were coming into Atlanta for some inter-league play, my cousin Bron wanted to go, could I get tickets? At the time, one of my mentors had season tickets to the Braves games and passes to gain entry to the 755 club. (For those too lazy to click the link, the 755 Club is a cross between a luxury box and a restaurant located in Turner Field. Almost every table has a sweet view of the field, they serve great food, and it's air conditioned.) I secured the tickets, made a reservation at the club, and arranged for Papa and Bron to meet me and my Dad at the stadium.
Keep in mind that Papa had no idea that the 755 club even existed, and certainly didn't know that we'd be headed up there. Plus, I made the reservation in his name. Once inside the stadium, we approached the exclusive elevator that takes you up to the club. I flashed our pass, but more importantly said, "This is Harold Thomas, I think you're expecting him." I'm quite sure that Papa was shocked when the attendant confirmed that they were indeed expecting him and that his table was ready. If you are accustomed to the conventional ballpark experience, stepping out of the elevator into the 755 club can be quite striking. Hardwood floors, plush carpet, waiters in tuxedos, etc. There is also the possibility that you might bump into Hank Aaron or some other random Hall of Famer.
So they escort us to the table. I tell Papa, "We're headed for the bleachers to check out batting practice. It's 100 degrees outside. Hangout up here where it's cool, eat and drink anything you want, and we'll come meet you at game time." I'm not 100% sure, but I think he had the time of his life. It was his day to be king, and I helped arrange it. Later, I heard bits and pieces of stories of him taunting his friends at the senior center, recounting how he'd been to the rich-folks section of Braves stadium.
That is how I choose to remember Papa. It's also how I choose to remember that day. I remember the feeling of satisfaction that Papa finally consider me a man, and not a child too scared to shoot a shotgun (10 years previous). If Dad or Bron remember the details a little differently, that's fine with me.
Longtime readers will no doubt remember my trip to Belize last summer. You can read about it here: Belize (Disclaimer: I was new to blogging when I wrote this and had not yet developed the sarcastic wit that I saturate into today's writings.)
To recap, on Thursday I decided to go to Belize for the weekend and bought a plane ticket. Friday morning I flew to Belize City. Friday afternoon I took various buses into the jungle of Belize where I was dropped off a couple miles from my destination. Hitchhiked the last two miles. Spent Saturday hiking and repelling in the rain forest. Sunday I returned home.
Upon my return I was greeted by the news that Gov. Sanford (R-S.C.) had been missing for nearly a week. He told his staff he was hiking the Appalachian Trail. The married Governor eventually surfaced in S.America in the arms of his Argentinian lover.
At the time my friend Dave and I laughed about how "hiking the Appalachian trail" was innuendo for having an affair. Also, I thought it was kinda cool that I could sneak down to Latin America for the weekend without having to do a tear-filled press conference when I got home.
Due to term limits, the now-divorced Gov. Sanford is not able to run for re-election this year. Lining up to take his place are a whole host of South Carolinians. The front runner, Nikki Haley
Despite receiving endorsements from the likes of Sarah Palin and Mitt Rommney (the two best looking Governors we've ever had), Mrs. Haley decided to go above and beyond the call of duty in declaring her qualifications to serve as Sanford's replacement. Today, we learn that Mrs. Haley had "an inappropriate physical relationship" with BLOGGER Will Folks.
In today's political environment most candidates are willing to say or do almost anything to get elected, but very few are willing to sacrifice a wonderful family and loving marriage to do so. Mrs. Haley is to be saluted.
I know what you are wondering. "What does she look like?" Good question.
This is what she looked like last week:
This is what she'll look like after the legal proceedings:
I realize that politicians having affairs is nothing new. We citizens of The United States have long been disappointed by the morality of our leaders. I am (fortunately) unable to find anything risque involving Washington or Adams but Thomas Jefferson more than made up for their apparent matrimonial faithfulness. In more recent times it's been John Edwards (Rielle Hunter) and Barack Obama (Vera Baker). So, it's not the actual infidelities I'm concerned with here. What alarms me is the potential for politicians to desire sex with bloggers. If this develops into a fad, I may have to shut The Razor down. I've glanced through the congressional rolls just long enough to get an upset stomach. Even worse, my home state leads the nation in freaky looking leaders (Hairy Ann Smith).
As I'm sure you've heard by now, Congressman Mark Souder resigned from his seat today when it came to light that he had an affair with a member of his staff. In these uncertain times I'm sure that the first question that comes to your mind is, "Well, what does she look like?"
Have no fear, the Razor is here. Not only have I discovered the identity of his mistress, but I've linked a copy of their "sex tape" here:
Do not worry, not only is the "sex tape" safe for work, but it was originally intended for a daily radio spot he recorded for WFCV, a Christian radio station in Fort Wayne, Ind.
