Welcome Back.
In preparation for my favorite holiday, April Fools Day, I'm going to release another of my patented pranks to the public. In the past, access to this prank has been reserved only for subscribers to Adam's Razor Platinum® . Tis the season for pranking though, so...
The setup for this one is very simple. I only use this prank on females, but there is no reason you can't use it on a dude. Just reverse the gender of the pronouns I use in the explaination.
First, untie your shoe as you get into the passenger seat of a car driven by you significant other or her sister. It is important that your victim be driving. If she says she wants you to drive, claim you have a headache or something.
Next wait patiently as you ride around town looking for a male jogger. Preferably, a severely out of shape jogger, but any jogger will do.
Once you spot the jogger, wait until you get within 50 yards of him. Mumble something like, "I hate these shoes, they always come untied". As you say this, you bend over to tie the shoe. With your head between your knees, creating the illusion that your victim is in the car alone, quickly reach over to the steering wheel and beep the horn. The jogger, will look up, see your victim driving a car by herself and clearly flirting with him.
Enjoy the look of mortification on your victim's face as she slowly realizes that she has unwittingly flirted with a stranger.
The first time I tried this prank, it was on Cindy. Not only was she successfully embarrassed, but she's actually seen the man jogging many times since then. He always smiles, waves, asks her to dinner, &c.
There is the slight possibility that things can go horrible wrong. The 1st time I tried this on Christena, she was so shocked that she snatched the wheel hard and to the left. Thus creating the appearance that she was not flirting with the man, but that she was trying to run him over with her car. Of course, the sight of him diving into the roadside bushes provided an additional level of satisfaction over and above just the embarrassment I was hoping for.
Enjoy, and don't be afraid to try this on one of your buddies if you guys ride past a fat chick...
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In tribute to my April Fools Day Joke from last year, I've decided to reprint it for you here. Many of you might not have been Slicers at that time, and the thought that you may have missed it, is more than I can bear. It's one of the funniest things I've ever written, which puts it high in the running for funniest things ever written by anyone.
Enjoy:
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tonight is the Big Night
Well, tonight is the big night! Christena Brown's patience and perseverance is finally paying off. After a courtship period that has exceeded 6 months, I'm prepared to take the plunge.
Now, I do not believe in reincarnation, but if I did, I would be wildly curious as to what amazingly good deeds Christena performed in a previous life that qualified her to be my special lady in this one. One can only assume that her feats must've been truly Mother Teresian. How else could you explain fate snatching a young lady from the redneck jaws of Dale County and delivering her to a life of luxury and hilarity with Dothan's Most Eligible bachelor.
There comes a time in every relationship where the participants must contemplate the future. I'm proud to say that I have not only completed my contemplation, but that I've opted for commitment. I've made all of the necessary preparations and am genuinely excited about the implications of tonight's inevitable conclusion.
In typical Adam Thomas fashion, I've planned the evening meticulously, so everything will be absolutely perfect. No expense will be spared and no detail has been left to chance. Here is how tonight's festivities will unfold:
I. To set the mood, we will begin with a romantic candlelit dinner at one of the finest restaurants in town.
II. At an appropriate time, I'll make my pitch. I've rehearsed it in my mind over one thousand times. Practicing every syllable of every word and every dramatic pause for effect, in order that my delivery will be flawless (like our love for each other). It is unfortunate that my readers will not be able to hear the actual delivery of this masterpiece, but for your pleasure and enjoyment, I've re-created it for you here:
Chistena, I never want you to doubt my love for you, and my commitment to you. We have been together for some wonderful times. I know you've grown weary of waiting on me at times, but I want you to know that tonight I'm ready to make a commitment. As a symbol of that commitment, I propose that we finally take the plunge and put both of our cellphones on one plan. As joint subscribers to Verizon's "Nationwide Family SharePlan®" we will be able to enjoy "Unlimited**Talk & Text*" for only $149.99 per month. Also, because the knuckleheads at the local Verizon store don't realize that I no longer work for Wachovia Securities, we will qualify for an additional 25% off. Because you seem to be a little bit more disciplined about paying your bills, I think it would be best if we set it up to automatically draft our monthly payment from your checking account. I believe that everything in a relationship should be split 50/50. Since $149.99 divided by 2 is: $74.995, I want you to know that I promise to give you $74.99 one month and $75.00 the following month. So over the course of the year, it will have the desired effect of us having split the bill exactly 50/50. In the terms and conditions of the Verizon Contract, I noticed that there might be some additional "Taxes, Governmental Surcharges & Fees". If you will provide me a detailed explanation of exactly what this entails, I will remit my half to you.
I love you,
Adam
III. Assuming that she accepts, and we are able to conclude our meal before 9:30p.m. CST, we will then proceed to the local Verizon store located at 3210 Ross Clark Circle, Dothan, AL 36301. Well-wishers are invited to await our exit from the facility and shower us with rice or the more environmentally-friendly birdseed as we head outside. See Ya
Welcome to Adam's Razor, most notable for ranking ahead of Facebook, Google, and Youtube when listed in alphabetical order.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Who cut the Cheese? Don't know, but they used Adam's Razor
Today you will be treated to an usual Razor post. As I was reviewing the volumes of web-traffic to the Razor, I noticed that I am getting an overwhelming number of hits from Menasha, Wisconsin. Not knowing anyone from Wisconsin, I was intrigued. So as a salute to these unknown Slicers, I offer this:
Menasha, Wisconsin
Menasha is a city in Winnebago County in the U.S. state of Wisconsin. It is located on the north west shore of Lake Winnebago and the mouth of the Fox River. The population was 16,331 at the 2000 census, but the citys' website currently claims to have grown to 17,430. Not wishing to pick a fight, I'll concede that they may have grown by 6.73 percent over the past 11 years.
The city's name comes from the Winnebago Indian word meaning "thorn" or "island". Without a complex and detailed analysis of the Ho-Chunk language, I'm not able to discern which meaning they had in mind when naming their fair city. Perhaps "Thorn in Wisconsin's Side"?
Like many Wisconsinites, the people of Menasha subsist primarily on a diet of cheese. Men and women are often seen wearing large triangular shaped blocks of it on their heads. When not consuming large quantities of dairy products, locals can be seen at the Hungry Bull Restaurant, where they enjoy beef provided by cows dedicated enough to make a more permanent commitment.
From the Editor: For your convenience, I've deleted the rest of this post before publishing. It droned on and on for quite some time with references to the Green Bay Packers, Oshkosh, and other Wisconsin related nonsense, none of it particularly funny. As a favor to the rest of us, would the visitor(s) from Wisconsin please identify themselves in the comment section below this post? Adam wishes to resolve the mystery and I wish to never see him submit a similar such article. Thank You.
Menasha, Wisconsin
Menasha is a city in Winnebago County in the U.S. state of Wisconsin. It is located on the north west shore of Lake Winnebago and the mouth of the Fox River. The population was 16,331 at the 2000 census, but the citys' website currently claims to have grown to 17,430. Not wishing to pick a fight, I'll concede that they may have grown by 6.73 percent over the past 11 years.
The city's name comes from the Winnebago Indian word meaning "thorn" or "island". Without a complex and detailed analysis of the Ho-Chunk language, I'm not able to discern which meaning they had in mind when naming their fair city. Perhaps "Thorn in Wisconsin's Side"?
Like many Wisconsinites, the people of Menasha subsist primarily on a diet of cheese. Men and women are often seen wearing large triangular shaped blocks of it on their heads. When not consuming large quantities of dairy products, locals can be seen at the Hungry Bull Restaurant, where they enjoy beef provided by cows dedicated enough to make a more permanent commitment.
From the Editor: For your convenience, I've deleted the rest of this post before publishing. It droned on and on for quite some time with references to the Green Bay Packers, Oshkosh, and other Wisconsin related nonsense, none of it particularly funny. As a favor to the rest of us, would the visitor(s) from Wisconsin please identify themselves in the comment section below this post? Adam wishes to resolve the mystery and I wish to never see him submit a similar such article. Thank You.
Pi, Berlusconi, Rania, and Asma: the Razor Returns with Mathematics and Innuendo
Yeah, I know. I took a break... Big deal.
Kinda hard to write a humorous blog when the biggest news stories in the world are revolutions in the Middle-East and Japan sinking into the sea. The problem is compounded by the fact that the Razor is monitored by The Islamic Republic of Iran and every blogger in the country has already pointed out that the footage from Japan looks like a replay of Godzilla vs. Mothra...
Amongst the outpouring of hate mail and nasty messages I got regarding my hiatus, I was surprised how many of you were upset that I didn't write anything for Pi day, March 14th. Just for you, I'll unveil a previously unknown talent. From memory I'll recite Pi as far as I can go: 3.14159265358979. Again, that is from memory, you are invited to look it up to check for accuracy. Hope you all enjoyed calculating the circumference of circles in my absence.
As an aside, it's a sad state of affairs when the Razor has become more known for mathematics than hilarity or sex scandals...
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Speaking of sex scandals did you read this article about Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi? "Berlusconi: I'm too old for so much sex". Me either, but I'm going to assume that something was lost in translation from Italiano. I don't know much about Berlusconi but I've heard you can get fired from your job for Googling his name. Every time I've seen something written about him, it has involved debauchery...
Ok, I went ahead and read the article. It seems he is accused by Italian prosecutors of sleeping with 33 women in a 2 month period. Not knowing Italian law, I have no idea what the legal limit is. I would've guessed, in a romantic country like Italy, a little higher.
---
Onto the revolutions.
As I wrote before, Tunisia was a trend setter with their successful Jasmine Revolution in Jan/Feb. Followed closely by Egypt who ousted Mubarek shortly thereafter. Not wanting to miss the fun, we have current activity in Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Libya, Syria, Jordan, Algeria, Yemen and Iran (are there more?). The level of success varies from place to place, but the common theme is "throw the bums out".
I am a bit concerned that due primarily to the ineptitude of the United States State Department, any new governments might not be particularly "America Friendly", but that is a matter for another time and another blog post. Right now, my biggest concern is individual liberty, and as such, I want to do my part to encourage freedom, so I am willing to grant asylum at the Thomas' estate to two particular coup targets.
First we have the Queen of Jordan, Ms. Rania Al Abdullah. Pictured here:
Ms. Abdullah, If you, like the populace of Jordan, are growing tired of your husbands dictatorial ways, I invite you to come live with me. While not a member of the Hashemite Royal Family, I am an indirect descendant of Gen. Braxton Bragg, Confederate hero from America's Civil War. Further, I am willing to negotiate my position on Women's Rights and the Zionist occupation of Palestine. Which I know are important issues for you. So let me know...
To the people of Jordan, you are welcome. I know you want to get that hag out of your country and it is with your liberty in mind that I extend this offer.
In addition to freedom loving people of Jordan, I wish to show my support for the revolution in Syria. The bloodthirsty dictator there is Bashar al-Assad. It is my hope that in the aftermath of the Syrian revolt Mr. al-Assad ends up dangling from the end of a rope. His wife, Asma al-Assad, on the other hand, if she wishes, can live the remainder of her life in exile in Alabama. Here is a photograph of Ms. al-Assad and her favorite purse:
As yet, I have not been able to look up pictures of the other ruling-women of revolution filled Middle-Eastern countries. However, if the appearance of these two is any indication, I'll extend a standing invitation for any displaced queens, first ladies, &c. to take up residence at my place.
---
Sadly, that is all I have time for today.
See ya soon.
Kinda hard to write a humorous blog when the biggest news stories in the world are revolutions in the Middle-East and Japan sinking into the sea. The problem is compounded by the fact that the Razor is monitored by The Islamic Republic of Iran and every blogger in the country has already pointed out that the footage from Japan looks like a replay of Godzilla vs. Mothra...
Amongst the outpouring of hate mail and nasty messages I got regarding my hiatus, I was surprised how many of you were upset that I didn't write anything for Pi day, March 14th. Just for you, I'll unveil a previously unknown talent. From memory I'll recite Pi as far as I can go: 3.14159265358979. Again, that is from memory, you are invited to look it up to check for accuracy. Hope you all enjoyed calculating the circumference of circles in my absence.
As an aside, it's a sad state of affairs when the Razor has become more known for mathematics than hilarity or sex scandals...
---
Speaking of sex scandals did you read this article about Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi? "Berlusconi: I'm too old for so much sex". Me either, but I'm going to assume that something was lost in translation from Italiano. I don't know much about Berlusconi but I've heard you can get fired from your job for Googling his name. Every time I've seen something written about him, it has involved debauchery...
Ok, I went ahead and read the article. It seems he is accused by Italian prosecutors of sleeping with 33 women in a 2 month period. Not knowing Italian law, I have no idea what the legal limit is. I would've guessed, in a romantic country like Italy, a little higher.
---
Onto the revolutions.
As I wrote before, Tunisia was a trend setter with their successful Jasmine Revolution in Jan/Feb. Followed closely by Egypt who ousted Mubarek shortly thereafter. Not wanting to miss the fun, we have current activity in Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Libya, Syria, Jordan, Algeria, Yemen and Iran (are there more?). The level of success varies from place to place, but the common theme is "throw the bums out".
I am a bit concerned that due primarily to the ineptitude of the United States State Department, any new governments might not be particularly "America Friendly", but that is a matter for another time and another blog post. Right now, my biggest concern is individual liberty, and as such, I want to do my part to encourage freedom, so I am willing to grant asylum at the Thomas' estate to two particular coup targets.
First we have the Queen of Jordan, Ms. Rania Al Abdullah. Pictured here:
Ms. Abdullah, If you, like the populace of Jordan, are growing tired of your husbands dictatorial ways, I invite you to come live with me. While not a member of the Hashemite Royal Family, I am an indirect descendant of Gen. Braxton Bragg, Confederate hero from America's Civil War. Further, I am willing to negotiate my position on Women's Rights and the Zionist occupation of Palestine. Which I know are important issues for you. So let me know...To the people of Jordan, you are welcome. I know you want to get that hag out of your country and it is with your liberty in mind that I extend this offer.
In addition to freedom loving people of Jordan, I wish to show my support for the revolution in Syria. The bloodthirsty dictator there is Bashar al-Assad. It is my hope that in the aftermath of the Syrian revolt Mr. al-Assad ends up dangling from the end of a rope. His wife, Asma al-Assad, on the other hand, if she wishes, can live the remainder of her life in exile in Alabama. Here is a photograph of Ms. al-Assad and her favorite purse:
As yet, I have not been able to look up pictures of the other ruling-women of revolution filled Middle-Eastern countries. However, if the appearance of these two is any indication, I'll extend a standing invitation for any displaced queens, first ladies, &c. to take up residence at my place.
---
Sadly, that is all I have time for today.
See ya soon.
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