Thursday, February 24, 2011

Billboards, The Strowd, a New Bostic, Facebook Prank, and Iran...

One housekeeping item. The management of IHOP sent me a note thanking me for placing my billboard in their parking lot. Pancake sales are up 4% since it was installed. It is rumored that much of this new patronage is being generated by single females. Not all good news though. Got a nasty letter from the Dothan City Commission. They stated that they were already having enough problems with traffic congestion in that area without my compounding the problem with my photo...

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Last weekend my family and I met up in Montgomery to celebrate my birthday. We took the kids to the zoo and capped off the day with a delicious dinner. We were joined at dinner by The Strowd and his wife Kelli, who as it turns out, is not expecting...

After dinner, The Strowd told me that he and some of his friends were going camping the weekend of March 5th, and would I like to go with them. I thought about it for a quick second, realized that I had that weekend free, and said I would go. Quickly my Mom jumped in and reminded me that she and Dad were planning to visit me that weekend, so I wouldn't be able to make the campout. No big deal, I'd just forgot...

Next day I get a call from The Strowd that went something like this:

"Hey Adam, remember that time we were at you 34th birthday party and you said you'd like to go camping with me but your mom said you couldn't? That was cool. You can be sure that when I turn 34 I won't be letting my mom decide what I can and can't do."

He has a wife for that...

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Earlier this week I learned through Facebook, and confirmed via Twitter, that Aaron Bostic (previously featured on the Razor: here) is getting married. So my condolences to the single ladies of the Wiregrass area... The lucky lady is Chelly Mkmoy [EDIT: in the original post I used her real name, but she asked me to change it. It seems she was getting lots of hateful phone calls and emails from jealous girls (and some jealous guys)].

When the details of his bachelor party emerge, I'll let you know. Early indications that he will exotically dance for himself...

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In case the previous section caused some confusion, I still don't have Facebook. Christena relayed the information to me...

Since it doesn't look like I'll ever join up, I'll release this prank for you Facebookers to use in your free time. I used to do it all the time on MySpace, and it was lots of fun.

Step One: Browse random profiles until you find a random girl who's profile picture looks something like this:
Kellie and Shelly

Two attractive girls that you don't know...

Step Two: Send her a private message that says, " What's up girl? In your profile pic, are you the girl on the right or the left?"

Step Three: This is the important part! No matter which girl she claims to be, you email her back with this: "Ok, nevermind."

Step Four: Spend several minutes basking in the glory of crushing another persons self-esteem.

Like I said, I spent many a Saturday morning doing this and oddly, it never got old.

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Do you see that Red Tab on the left hand side of the Razor? It usually has a 1 in it, but I've seen it as high as 9 or 10. That tells you how many people are on the Razor right now! When you're done reading this post, click on the tab. It will direct you to a page where you can see a map that indicates all of the places in the world where people have Sliced from. (Due to a billing snafu, my map reset a few months ago and I lost all of my hits from Borneo, Korea, Eastern Europe, &c.) Anyways, see that star over the People's Republic of Iran? That's new!

Now that I know the Razor is really taking off in the Middle East, I've decided to stop posting about the various ongoing revolutions. Why? If Iranians want information on revolutions, they must needs only look outside. They come to the Razor for the same reason everyone else does, Hilarity...

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Ladies, you didn't think I'd end this post without giving you one picture of Aaron did you? He's dreamy...




See ya soon

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

"Are you the man on the sign?"

Those of you who are new to the Razor will no doubt be surprised to learn that in addition to blogging, I have a real job. It is the superhuman amount of reading that I do for my real job that provides me with most of the material for the blog. With that said, I have never, and will never, blur the line between the Razor and my career. With that out of the way, I wanted to relate a funny story.

My business partner and I, as part of our marketing efforts, recently contracted to have a billboard erected to advertise our company. Due in large part to the recent advances in photo editing computer programs, we decided to use our much photo-shopped faces on the billboard. Thus concludes the back story...

Today, taking advantage of my infatuation with the Chick-fil-a Chicken Sandwich and the girl who works the cash register (who I wrote about here), John convinced me to eat lunch with him. On the drive over, we were lamenting the cost of the billboard and wondering if it was worth the expense. After navigating the traffic jam in the Chick-fil-A parking lot and waiting in line for what seemed like a long time, we finally approached the register.

I've eaten at fast food restaurants a near-infinite amount of times and as such, am pretty familiar with the routine. "Welcome to Chick-fil-A, would you like to try one of our combos?" Or something like that.

Imagine my surprise when the first thing out of her mouth was not an offering of delicious fried chicken, but this:

"Aren't you the man on the sign?"

"Why yes, yes I am the man on the sign."

After much prodding and arm-twisting, John convinced her that he too was on the sign, standing right next to me in fact. Considering that the young lady, while not in the core demographic we were trying reach, is certainly well within my personal "target market", I consider the advertising expense well worth it.

Those of you desirous of seeing the masterpiece are encouraged to drive very slowly while passing the International House of Pancakes on Ross Clark Circle, Dothan, AL.

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The much awaited follow-up post on the various revolutions occurring throughout the Middle-East will be unveiled at a later date. Those Slicers who are becoming impatient are welcome to subscribe to Stratfor and read about it themselves. If still not satiated, one could watch the fascinating 60 Minutes piece on Tunisia located here. As a last resort, rather than e-mailing me directly, complaining that I have not delivered the promised column, one could left click on "Favorites" in Internet Explorer, and then right click on Adam's Razor and select delete. You will me missed, albeit briefly.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Viva la Revolucion

I know you've been frantically refreshing the Razor, anxiously awaiting my commentary on the revolutions sweeping the Middle-East. Sorry for the delay. Events happen so quickly, even with a subscription to Stratfor, I hardly have time to keep up with the goings on, and rarely have time to write. We'll try to correct that today.

It is official Razor policy that I am "for" maximum global happiness. Believing that the best way to max out a population's happiness is to give the people the ability to conduct their lives however they see fit I'm supportive of all revolutions that result in a freer society. Once liberty (and a full stomach) has been achieved, happiness is only increased incrementally by nicer homes, more possessions, technology, &c. Which is not to say that the latter aren't motivating factors, just secondary to the primary factor, freedom.

Revolutions tend to be contagious. Once one nation gets a little freedom, the neighboring countries want to achieve the same. With that in mind, all of the tyrannical regimes of the Middle-East are concerned that they are on borrowed time. I wrote (here) about some of the things that various governments had done recently to appease their subjects, but there is blood in the air, so it seems unlikely that the majority of these efforts will be successful.

Things got started in Tunisia with the "Jasmine Revolution" which knocked President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali out of power, and put Tunisia on the path toward a (hopefully) more representative form of government. Good Job! Before we get to far, it's interesting to note that the Tunisian revolution was dubbed "Jasmine" not because of the hot chick in Aladdin, but because the main stream media insists on naming these things after colors/flowers (here). Past revolutions have been named Rose (Georgia), Orange (Ukraine), Cedar (Lebanon), and Tulip (Kyrgyzstan).

Next up? Egypt.

Mubarak has ruled Egypt for a long time. To some degree, he has been a decent man. Certainly he has been a strategic ally to Israel, and by extension, to the US. With Israel not concerned with an invasion from the border with Egypt, they could focus on the more material threats (Hamas, Hezbollah, &c.). However, the population, made up primarily of young people was tired of Mubarak, so he got the boot. What we'll learn over the next few months is whether the new Egyptian government will enhance the liberty of the country, continue to be an ally to us, or if they fall back into a despotic trap. It is not inevitable that the replacement government will be an improvement. We shall see.

As you know, the revolting is not over. Over the weekend I read where Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi called on the Palestinians to protest against their "oppressors" in Israel. I'm sure he's now rethinking his pro-revolt point of view as his own populace is in the process of revolting against him.

As an aside, Mr. Gaddafi only seems to pop his head up when the United States has a Democrat in the Oval Office. I remember as a child, Ronald Reagan bombed the crap out of Libya because Gaddafi was causing some trouble for us. At the time, Gaddafi spelled his name Qaddafi (or something like that). Not only did Reagan get his attention and get him to slow down the terrorism nonsense, but hearing that Americans preferred to have their Q's followed by U's, changed the spelling of his name to avoid further bombings. During the 1990's, with Clinton in office, Libya began a program to develop Weapons of Mass Destruction. With Bush elected and seeing Saddam hanging from the end of a rope, Gaddafi didn't feel it wise to tempt fate. He not only shut down his weapons program, he put it on a boat and shipped it all to us. Current Location? Oak Ridge, TN.

I fully expected the tyrannical regime in Iran to fall last year (was it two years ago?). Whenever it was, the young people of the country began rioting, it looked like it hit critical mass, and then died down almost as quickly as it started. The next attempt, likely already underway, will probably not fail. That'll be a fun one to watch.

I've already kept you too long. Tune in tomorrow for more on Egypt, Jordan, and few other odds and ends.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Safety First - In rememberance of Hamilton and Wittington

Nation,

The day we have all been waiting for is finally here! As a country, The United States has many proud traditions, but one stands above all others as a beacon of light to less fortunate lands. Today, we celebrate that ancient rite, a ceremony dear to the hearts of each of us, a celebration of the annual achievements of one man, The Vice President of the United States of America!

Of course, I am referring to the "Safety First - Vice Presidential Non-Violence Campaign" enacted by Thomas Jefferson in July, 1804. Without further ado, here is this years commemorative chart:

Mr. Biden, your career serves to remind us all that if you remain an inept politician long enough, someone will eventually make you VP. More importantly, we salute you for embracing the tradition of non-violence towards members of the citizenry. Unlike Aaron Burr and Dick Cheney, so far you have found it unnecessary to shoot any of us. Thank you. Even though we as a nation remain underwhelmed with the present Administration, we take comfort in knowing that if John McCain had won the election, Sarah Palin would've shot a half dozen people by now.

With 5 safe years behind us, we as a nation are now within 8 years of tying our 2nd longest streak, that period of tranquility between George Washington's inauguration (1791) and Aaron Burr's shooting of Alexander Hamilton (1804). Once that landmark is surpassed, 2209 here we come. The significance of 2209 you ask? Assuming no further mishaps, that is the year when we will set a new record for Vice Presidential Violence Free years.

On the off chance that some readers might not recall the details of the previous Vice Presidential shootouts, I'll fill you in. Aaron Burr shot the attorney/banker Alexander Hamiliton in a duel in Hoboken, NJ over a political spat. Dick Cheney shot Harry Wittington, a then-78 year old attorney for doing a poor impersonation of a quail. Alexander Hamilton died from his wound, while Wittington's life was saved because there was already an ambulance on the scene (Apparently, it is standard operating procedure to have emergency response personnel on site where ever Presidents and Vice-Presidents appear).

Neither VP was charged with a felony. Cheney was however ticketed for hunting over a baited field. It seems that shooting an attorney within 200 yards of an ambulance is frowned upon in Texas. Burr was fortunate to have not been cited for a crime as Congress did not declare an open season on bankers until 2008.

In America, roughly* .004% of the general population has shot someone with a gun. Sadly over 4% (2/48) of our Vice-Presidents have shot someone while in office. So you are over 1000 times more likely to be shot by the Vice-President than by a citizen chosen at random. With that in mind, we salute Thomas Jefferson and the wisdom and leadership he provided in setting up the "Safety First - Vice Presidential Non-Violence Campaign".

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* That particular stat was rounded to the nearest .004%. In a rush to publish this column before Biden shoots anyone, I got hasty on the math. There are roughly 12,000 deaths by gun violence every year and 300,000,000 citizens. 12,000/300,000,000 = .00004 or .004%. I realize that the 12,000 number doesn't include people surviving gunshots. Further I understand anyone who shoots multiple people adds more complexity to the calculation. I was trying to make a (humorous) point. If you have a more accurate #, e-mail it to me and I'll edit the post. If you want to criticize the way I arrived at this number, e-mail it to stickit@wherethesundontshine.com.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Super Bowl Recap

Superbowl entertainment recap:

I thought Cyndi Lauper did a nice job with the National Anthem, aside from Mendenhalling the lyrics a little bit. I think that girl just wants to have fun.

My editor just informed me that Cyndi Lauper did not sing the National Anthem. Instead, it was Christina Aguilera. Sorry for the mistake, I offer 2 photos to explain the confusion:













You can't tell which is which either, can you?

Now that I'm aware it was Christina Aguilera, I find the botching of the lyrics less shocking. I remember watching Mickey Mouse Club as a child and seeing her screw up the lyrics to my then favorite song, "Love Can Move Mountains". Ruined my whole afternoon. Here's the video for those of you who didn't have your mom set the VCR to record every episode of MMC:





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Did you know there were 4 Black Eyed Peas? I always thought it was Fergie, Will.I.am and an autotune machine. Much to my surprise they also feature a token Asian and some androgynous creature with a mohawk...

Base on the reviews I read online, I might be one of the few people who was entertained by their performance. They tight roped in from the rafters, brought Slash up from under stage to play Sweet Child O' Mine, and then dropped in Usher. All the while, wearing costumes that registered somewhere between "stroke inducing" and "fire hazard". Were these reviewers expecting a reprise of last years performance by The Who? The most entertaining part of that nonsense was when the whole geriatric band got Bo-tox injections between songs.

Those of us hoping for Fergie to suffer a Janet Jacksonesque wardrobe malfunction were disappointed, but considering the fact that they had about 500 dancers in electrical suits perhaps it worked out for the best. One short in the wiring and we would've had a backup dancer shortage for a generation. About those costumes, I couldn't help but think that if you went back in time to 1960 and asked someone what the people of 2011 would be wearing, the answer would be pretty close to Will.I.am's attire.

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The game? I'm pretending that Pittsburgh didn't miss that field goal in the 3rd quarter, got the ball back late down only three, drove down and tied it up with no time left, and won in overtime. If you remember the game slightly differently, that's your problem.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Budget cuts vs. Stimulus, Eat mor chiken...

How about a couple videos?

First, a visual representation of cutting $100,000,000 from the Federal Budget. It's much more fascinating then it sounds:




For balance, a video of Super Obama Girl:



Shockingly, the 2nd video has over 35,000,000 views. The penny view only has 1,500,000 views. As we learned in the first video, humans have a hard time visualizing concepts involving really large numbers. To help reduce the numbers down to something more manageable, lets convert over to percentages:

  • Likelihood of Super Obama Girl getting asked out on a date by a member of the opposite sex? 95.71%
  • And for the Penny Dude? 4.29%
  • And the probability of Super Obama Girl getting asked out by me, if we were ever to meet: 100%
  • Probability that the Penny Dude's mother wants her coins back? 100%

Is it any wonder that Obama got elected? Can you sense a subtle difference between his admirers and detractors?

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Remember last summer when a Dothan City Commissioner lobbied for Chick-fil-A to make their food less delicious to help with the traffic problem in the area? I wrote about it here. Well at lunch Wednesday I discovered a "contributing factor". The girl who works the drive thru window is hotter than their new spicy chicken sandwich.

Yesterday (Thursday) I was the 11th car in line, just to get into the parking lot. Today it went quite a bit quicker, and I understood why when I was handed my food by some middle-aged guy...

As an aside, did you know that Chick-fil-A company policy discourages customers from using the Drive-thru window to order food for "here"? I tried that yesterday and they asked me not to do it again...

Any Slicers wishing to have lunch with their favorite Blogger are invited to meet me at Chick-fil-a, Monday through Friday at 11:30a.m. cst.

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Go Steelers!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Mulch Mats and Hot Cats...

Before delving into the meat of this Razor post, a quick housekeeping item. Kelli Strowd, as it turns out, is not pregnant. I'm sorry for jumping the gun with the conception announcement last week. I'd assumed she got caught up in the National Championship moment and forgot she was married to Michael...
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My 34th birthday is two weeks from yesterday (Feb. 16th). I considered posting an exhaustive review of my 33rd year, but figured that faithful Slicers would prefer going back through the archives and re-reading each and every Razor post. Good luck with that.

While preparing this post, it occured to me that when Jesus was 33 years old he save all of humanity from eternal damnation and during my 33rd year, I founded the Razor. Pretty cool.

Why so much focus on my birthday? That's what we in the blogging business refer to as a segue (pronounced segway), seemlessly transitioning into a topic of great importance.

With regards to my birthday gift list, I'm modifying the procedure that I've used in the past. You might remember (if not click here) the Adam Thomas Gift Coordination Department from my 2010 Christmas list. In order to avoid getting the same gift twice, I ask that givers first submit their gift idea to Christena Brown, and once she approves it, they can get it for me. The Gift Coordination Department was created, not to add an unnecessary level of bureaucracy, but to enhance and expedite your gift-giving experience and to ensure that no gifts were inadvertently duplicated.

Despite the painstaking care I put into the Gift Coordination Depart policies and procedures, we experienced a catastrophic system failure at Christmas. I recieved the same book from both my sister and an ex-girlfriend. One might think that the double gifting was caused by the ex-girlfriends unwillingness to deal with Christena. I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. The ex (let's call her Cindy), submitted her gift idea in a timely manner and was the approved giver of the book. My sister, unable to follow even the simplest of instructions, never got permission. Further, I checked the date/time stamp on both of the receipts and Cindy made her purchase nearly a full week ahead of Krystal.

If I had been double-gifted a shirt (do less laundry) or XBOX (home and office) then the utility of each gift would've been little diminished. Two copies of the same book? Not good.

With that in mind, here is my Birthday Gift List.


  1. Rubber Mulch Tree Ring -- Dual-colored 24" Dia. - available at Sam's Club and Lowes locally or online by clicking on the link.

Yes that's it. Try screwing that up.

I've planted nearly 200 hundred trees in my yard and the lawn guy seems to prefer mowing them down to weedeating around them. I need as many of these things as I can get. No need to submit your idea to the Gift Coordinator. Just buy as many as you can afford and bring them over. In fact, if you'd like, you can select which tree you'd like your mulch mat to protect. Together we can pridefully watch the tree grow.

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Today in my morning e-mail I recieved two items worth noting. My softball coach, Danny McLean, sent me the sign up sheet for this years team and David Sconyers forwarded me an investment newsletter, along with this note: "He mentioned you....will you spot it?"

Inquisitively, I began reading the newsletter, wondering which part would pertain to me. It hit me like a punch in the face. For your enjoyment, I've reproduced the pertinent portion here*:


Mark Twain had one of the great lines ever regarding fear and human nature, Twain said that “A cat that sits upon a hot stove once, shall not sit upon a hot stove again, nor upon a cold one either… for from that point on they all shall look hot to him.”

Traders who lose money in bonds go trade stock, because bonds look hot to them. Bettors who bet upon our once beloved NC State Wolfpack and who lose time after time shall eventually turn and bet on Carolina thereafter, because the Wolfpack looks “hot” to them and must needs be avoided. Young men who lose at love play softball because love looks “hot” and should be avoided.
It’s human nature, and sometimes it even ends with good… perhaps even very good… results.



So I completed my softball sign-up sheet. Let's hope for good, perhaps even very good, results.

Regarding any perceived avoidance of "love", it should be noted that I consider Christena to be the proverbial cold stove. And if that ain't romantic, what is?

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* I can't imagine how anyone could possibly misconstrue the referenced paragraphs as investment advice, but just so were clear, it's not. I will never discuss investments on the Razor, of that you can be sure. The newsletter that I read in its entirety contained a great deal of investment information. The paragraphs I reproduced, contain none.
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