The day we have all been waiting for is finally here! As a country, The United States has many proud traditions, but one stands above all others as a beacon of light to less fortunate lands. Today, we celebrate that ancient rite, a ceremony dear to the hearts of each of us, a celebration of the annual achievements of one man, The Vice President of the United States of America!
Of course, I am referring to the "Safety First - Vice Presidential Non-Violence Campaign" enacted by Thomas Jefferson in July, 1804. Without further ado, here is this years commemorative chart:
Mr. Biden, your career serves to remind us all that if you remain an inept politician long enough, someone will eventually make you VP. More importantly, we salute you for embracing the tradition of non-violence towards members of the citizenry. Unlike Aaron Burr and Dick Cheney, so far you have found it unnecessary to shoot any of us. Thank you. Even though we as a nation remain underwhelmed with the present Administration, we take comfort in knowing that if John McCain had won the election, Sarah Palin would've shot a half dozen people by now.
With 5 safe years behind us, we as a nation are now within 8 years of tying our 2nd longest streak, that period of tranquility between George Washington's inauguration (1791) and Aaron Burr's shooting of Alexander Hamilton (1804). Once that landmark is surpassed, 2209 here we come. The significance of 2209 you ask? Assuming no further mishaps, that is the year when we will set a new record for Vice Presidential Violence Free years.
On the off chance that some readers might not recall the details of the previous Vice Presidential shootouts, I'll fill you in. Aaron Burr shot the attorney/banker Alexander Hamiliton in a duel in Hoboken, NJ over a political spat. Dick Cheney shot Harry Wittington, a then-78 year old attorney for doing a poor impersonation of a quail. Alexander Hamilton died from his wound, while Wittington's life was saved because there was already an ambulance on the scene (Apparently, it is standard operating procedure to have emergency response personnel on site where ever Presidents and Vice-Presidents appear).
Neither VP was charged with a felony. Cheney was however ticketed for hunting over a baited field. It seems that shooting an attorney within 200 yards of an ambulance is frowned upon in Texas. Burr was fortunate to have not been cited for a crime as Congress did not declare an open season on bankers until 2008.
In America, roughly* .004% of the general population has shot someone with a gun. Sadly over 4% (2/48) of our Vice-Presidents have shot someone while in office. So you are over 1000 times more likely to be shot by the Vice-President than by a citizen chosen at random. With that in mind, we salute Thomas Jefferson and the wisdom and leadership he provided in setting up the "Safety First - Vice Presidential Non-Violence Campaign".
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* That particular stat was rounded to the nearest .004%. In a rush to publish this column before Biden shoots anyone, I got hasty on the math. There are roughly 12,000 deaths by gun violence every year and 300,000,000 citizens. 12,000/300,000,000 = .00004 or .004%. I realize that the 12,000 number doesn't include people surviving gunshots. Further I understand anyone who shoots multiple people adds more complexity to the calculation. I was trying to make a (humorous) point. If you have a more accurate #, e-mail it to me and I'll edit the post. If you want to criticize the way I arrived at this number, e-mail it to stickit@wherethesundontshine.com.
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