Fun with Headlines, Vol I

First attempt at a Slicer participation post.

The crash and burn potential for this particular post is quite high. The concept is to post a screenshot of the Drudge Report and make jokes about the headlines. Unfortunately, the screen shot isn't particularly clear so the probability that this becomes a jumbled mess is north of 90%.

Here is our screenshot. For clarity I've reproduced and numbered the headlines (below).

1. Zuckerman: The American Dream has become a Nightmare... I feel like Rip Van Winkle. Wake me up in 2012.
2. Buffett: We're still in a Recession... They don't call him the "Sage of Omaha" for nothing.
3. "Toilet Paper Bandit" faces jail time... Six months of 1 ply oughta do the trick.
4. Man arrested for scuffle -- with pet parrot... The victims testimony should be interesting, and repetitive.
5. US walks out on Ahmedinejad speech... That'll teach him!
6. UPDATE: China-Pakistan reactor deal to open fresh US rift... Really? A rift between the US and China (Pakistan)? How could this happen?
7. ... Appearance causes mixed feelings. No idea what this is about.
8. Spitzer: Cuomo "Dirtiest", "Nastiest" of Politicians... Dirtier and Nastier than cheating on your wife with a prostitute? That is bad.
9. Cuomo Enters Mudslinging Fest with New Attack Ad... What do you expect from the a fellow Dirtier and Nastier than Spitzer?
10. "Mom's Gone Crazy" 4 Killed in Seattle Shooting... Soccer practice rained out, long line at Starbucks...
11. Beijing faces worsening traffic gridlock... Rickshaws on the right of way.
12. JUDGE FORBIDS WOMAN FROM EVER OWNING HORSES AFTER ABUSE... What about a smart-mouthed parrot?
13. Busted by YOUTUBE: Florida mother caught cheering on daughter in teen brawl... (video and salty language here) Get her Sara! Get her Sara! Uh, Sara, can you come get me out of jail?
14. One percent of UK people openly Gay or Lesbian... 1%? From the nation that brought us George Michael and Boy George? At least 9% of UK people are in a well decorated closet.
15. Nudists, swingers at war in France... Cheap airfare to France can be found here.
16. PAPER: QUEEN TRIED TO USE STATE POVERTY FUND TO HEAT BUCKINGHAM PALACE... Meanwhile, in Sherwood Forest...
17. 'Cedes control of finances' to Govt... Our Elderly did that 70+ years ago...
18. Nasal Spray 'to cure shyness'... I thought that was called Cocaine?
19. ANOTHER JUMPS: AXELROD OUT Axelrod Out, Combovers In
20. Bill Ayers denied emeritus status... And the holocaust...

I know you can do better than that. Click "comments" directly below and add your improvement (which shouldn't be hard). Remember to use a number so we'll know which headline you've ridiculed.

Best comment wins a free item from the giftshop.

The Tale of Two Jacksons...

Dear Slicers,

While I appreciate the fervency with which you support this blog, I've decided to ask, as nicely as possible, that you NOT send me an email every time Jesse Jackson (Jr. of Sr.) has an affair. My inbox runneth over to the point that I'm not currently able to discern my junk e-mail from my really junky e-mail.

I know that I've begged and pleaded over the past several months for a political sex scandal to cover. And I know that I can read all about a “a private and personal matter between Jesse Jackson Jr. and his wife that was handled some time ago” here, here, and here. I am also aware that this particular "private and personal matter" is a “petite, eye-catching Latin American blonde" named Giovanni Huidobro. Further, I completely understand that Jesse Jr. had one of his fundraisers fly Ms. Huidobro to Chicago several times. And yes, this is the same fundraiser who offered to pay $6,000,000 to Rod Blagojevich in exchange for appointing Jesse to a U.S. Senate seat. Finally, I'm aware that I could draw interesting parallels between Jesse Jr & Sr. and their respective infidelities.

It's not that I don't appreciate all the e-mails I received. I do, but there are two primary reasons that I chose not to cover this (non)event.

1. To fully cover the affairs of both Jesse's would require a full time blog, and perhaps a dedicated e-mail address, and that is a commitment that I'm not willing to make.

2. Calling Jesse Jr. a politician is libelous of politicians everywhere. Just as referring to Jesse Sr. as Reverend is slanderous of pastors...

Thank you for your cooperation with regard to this matter,

Adam Thomas


***
In an effort to head off a couple dozen e-mails asking the proverbial, "What does she look like?" I offer this:

Jesse Jr's Mistress, Giovanni Huidobro:

Jesse Sr's Mistress, (and mother of his love child) Karin Stanford:

Without making judgement of Messrs. Jackson taste, it would appear that in this case the apple fell both not far, and far from the tree...

Joaquin Pheonix, Egyptian Media, &c.

Many of you have asked me to let you know when Jeffrey Goldberg's next column on Cuba is published. It has been published and it can be found here. Of the three columns that he's written about Cuba, this is easily the most forgettable. Don't say I didn't warn you...

***
Tonight's the big night on David Letterman's show. I don't make a habit of watching the show, but I absolutely love this clip:




Last year, Joaquin Phoenix was a guest on Letterman and appeared to be completely spaced out. Of course, we learned last week that it was a hoax and he was acting. It was easily the greatest performance of his career. The video I've linked above (unlike Walk the Line) gets better every time you view it. It's also fascinating to watch Letterman try to salvage an interview that is clearly going downhill fast.

Anyway, Joaquin will be back on Letterman tonight for the first time since the hoax has been revealed. Don't say I didn't warn you...

***
Ready for the 2nd installment of the Razor's 187 part series, "Fun with Presidential Photographs"? Good.

Egypt's state-run newspaper, Al-Ahram, doctored a photo taken of five heads of state during the recent Middle East peace talks to put Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak ahead of the pack, when he was actually the farthest back off to the left.


Original Photo:

Egyptian Version:

Foreign types with their pin-stripes*
say Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian

Sorry for the Bangles humor, but there was no way I could complete this piece without a "Walk Like an Egyptian" reference and I thought it best to get it out of the way.

I forgive the Egyptians for moving their guy to the head of the line. It's been a long fall from grace for Egypt. Please try to remember that 4000 years ago, their Pharaoh was a God. It's tough living in a country that has done anything interesting since Ramses II died.

What I'm having a hard time accepting is that they appear to have changed the color of President Obama's tie. I've always thought that Obama looked great in lavender and I salute Michelle for selecting this tie for the peace talks. For the Egyptians to change it to some tannish-grey color is offensive. Offensive not just to the First Lady, but to tie lovers everywhere. I will not sit back and do nothing while this aggression against neck ware goes on (I will sit back and write about it). Perhaps they were disappointed that it was made from silk and not Egyptian Cotton.

Acta est literarius, plaudite!

*The original lyric is: "Foreign types with their hookah pipes " - I changed it to "pin-stripes" to better capture the attire of the attendees. This is my 2nd attempt at (re)writing poetry this week. Hopefully it will go over better than this, which Christena diplomatically told me, sucked...

An Ode to Autotune

If you're like me, you no doubt consider "auto-tune" to be the greatest invention of our time. I just put an auto-tuner in my shower. That thing sounds sweet and I'm the cleanest I've been in quite sometime. In addition, I'm the only person I know who does the Re-mix first. For your enjoyment, I've included an audio clip of what I refer to as "Adam's Auto-Tune Shower Sessions Vol I".





Over the past few months it occurred to me several times that my readers would probably prefer to hear most of my more serious posts in Auto-tune. Then I got to thinking, "Why stop with just my Slicers?" There is a whole nation of young people who don't watch the news because it's boring (or because Reginald Jones gives them nightmares). With this in mind, I wanted to start a website called "Auto-tune the News". Imagine my surprise when I learned that someone beat me to it. Here is one of their recent videos:


(They are slightly more advanced with their video capabilities, so perhaps it's best that they thought of it first.)

Yes Christena, that is your favorite band Weezer. You're welcome.

Remember a couple weeks ago when I wrote that rambling incoherence about Quran (Koran?) burning? Isn't this like, 5 times better?




Might be kind of slow on Razor posts the next couple weeks, it's not safe to blog from the shower...

Political Poetry

The election’s just 6 weeks away,

But it’s hard to endure the delay:

How we long for a rout

And the bums all thrown out!

How we wish we were voting today!

Educated Slicers will no doubt recognize the above as a Limerick. Which besides being my favorite form of poetry (haiku runs a close 2nd), is a five-line poem in anapestic or amphibrachic meter with a strict rhyme scheme (aabba), which intends to be witty or humorous, and is sometimes obscene* with humorous intent.

Notice that a Limerick must contain 5 lines. So this is unacceptable:

There once was a woman from Crew,

Whose limerick stopped at line two

Equally (perhaps more so) offensive:

There once was a man from Verdun,**

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So why the focus on poetry? Good question. I am so enraged with our elected officials I felt I only had two choices. 1. Get involved in the system or 2. Express myself in rhyme! It's amazing how much stress can be relieved in 5 short lines.

And why am I enraged? Because none of the so-called "statesman" in this country appear to be sleeping with each other! That's why. It's been three long months since we had a good sex scandal, and this is an election year. And I run a travel/sex scandal blog and haven't been traveling.

So selfishly I've compiled a list of candidates that I want you to vote for. I know I said I would never endorse a candidate on the Razor (unless they pay me money), but I have high hopes for 2011 (and desperately need material).

While it was no trouble finding a list of politicians particular well suited to making poor decisions, I wasn't comfortable selecting the men. So 40% of the list was not compiled by me...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Nikki Haley - Running for Governor of South Carolina - While not as attractive as I'd prefer, she is easily the sluttiest candidate in either party this year. Her track record of unfaithfulness and low-standards make her perfect for South Carolina.
2. Christine O'Donnell - Running for Senate, Delaware - Her photos speak for themselves. So hot that she'll have no trouble "reaching across the aisle". Neither party will be able to resist her.

3. Eddie Lucio III - State House of Representatives (D) This bilingual hottie has a Web site in both Spanish and English -- keeping women swooning in at least two languages.

4. Jack Conway - Attorney General, Kentucky As Attorney General, Conway fights violent crime and protects kids from online predators -- and that's sexy!

5. Ruby Dhalla - Member of the Canadian Parliament, I get a surprisingly large number of web traffic from our northern neighbor and am willing to do as much research as necessary to chronicle her sexploits...

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* Limericks were given their "obscene" reputation when some poet produced a whole series entitled "There once was a man from Nantucket" and proceeded to use extraordinarily creative variations of the "F" word.

** The reader is left to imagine that the 2nd line would've been, "Whose Limerick stopped at line one." Aren't poetry jokes great?

The Smashing Pumpkins, Dead to Me

Those of you who have been friends of mine for a long time will no doubt remember my decade long obsession with The Smashing Pumpkins. For about 5 years, this band, and the lead singer Billy Corgan, had its finger on the pulse (and its Doc Marten boot on the throat) of an entire generation. The 3 album run they went on in the early to mid 90's (Gish, Siamese Dream, Mellon Collie & the Infinite Sadness) was as solid as any band from that era. Without doing research, I think it was 1995 or 1996 when they set the record for most MTV Music Awards ever won by one band in the same year.

Here is a video:

SP was always a polarizing band. You either loved them or hated them. Those of you from different age groups might think The Pumpkins personify the crappy music of the 90's. I'll concede that this is a matter of taste and to a certain extent everyone probably prefers the music of their youth...

For me they were unbelievable. The songs were amazingly arranged and the brooding lyrics perfectly captured the disenchanted feelings of my late teen years. My friend Chris Slaugher and I went to see them play a concert at the Omni (RIP) in Atlanta sometime around 1995. This show not only burned my brain but changed my life. It was my first huge rock and roll show. I was in no way prepared for the wall of sound, the laser light show, strobe lights, mosh pits, or 50 thousand like-minded hipsters gathered in one place. I was hooked.

Upon returning from the concerts I immediately began amassing a collection that included virtually every sound that Billy Corgan had ever produced on a guitar. Bought every album, every single, live videos, bootleg copies of concerts, VHS tapes, posters, pictures, &c. My collection grew so large, it took up nearly all available space in my bedroom. I returned to see them another half dozen times.

Unfortunately, not long after that the drummer overdosed on heroin, and while he lived, he was kicked out of the band. This started a revolving door of various musicians filling in for the original band members. Darcy the original bassist left to deal with a coke problem, the original drummer came back, then left again, &c.

Fast forward to today and the lead singer still has a band that he calls The Smashing Pumpkins, but he is the only remaining original member, and it in no way resembles what they used to have. Earlier this year they put out a 4 song cd and I bought it, primarily to keep my collection complete. Not long ago, Christena saw the album, still unopened, laying on my table. She said, "Are you going to open this?" I respond, "No, I'm afraid someone might put it in the CD player and I'd be forced to listen to it!" It's very close to the worst music that I've ever heard.

Those Slicers who enjoy torturing their ears, are invited to click here:




It's a shame that they soiled their legacy with 10 years of crappy music. Until recently I always held out hope that Billy Corgan would be able to recreate what he did 15 years ago. Upon hearing this latest batch of songs, I've officially given up.

Still love those old songs though.

&c., &c., &c.

First, some housekeeping items.

I know the Razor hasn't been particularly funny lately and I'm sorry. However, you can only make fun of your friends and family so many times before that becomes sort of worn out. Further, we've hit a dry spell with political sex-scandals, and I can't make them have sex with each other... (On second thought, attempts to coerce this might actually be entertaining. What kind of mood music would entice you to sleep with Al Gore or Congressman Mark Souder? )

Back in early summer when the Razor was really hitting its stride, there were millions of things to satire and lampoon almost everyday. Lately, not so much. I fear, the Razor has become almost (mis)educational. Oh well...

***
And complaints about the lengths of these posts? Hit the mark.

I’m sometimes unsure how much knowledge to assume, here on the Razor. My inclination is to assume a great deal, but then I relent and include massive amounts of back story. So perhaps my attempt at clarity adds unnecessarily to the length of Razor posts.

(As an aside, are you surprised to learn that I do not know how to spell necessarily? I've attempted to spell it with all sorts of combinations of c's, s's, and l's without yet hitting on the right combination. Spell check fixes it every time. So I have a goal.)

Further, from time to time I go back in the Razor catalog and read some of the old posts. Occasionally I'm embarrassed by something that I wrote, and it's usually because I'm not happy with the depth with which I explained something. (Slicers are NOT encouraged to make comments or send me e-mails regarding this particular topic.)

Also, I fear there is a "frame of reference" problem. I read 50 times more words per day than the average person. So the posts don't seem that long to me. It's this intake that allows me to construct these beasts. In spite of this massive amount of reading, I still think my knowledge of most subjects is about 1 mile wide and 1 inch deep. Just this past weekend I was challenged to debate the difference(s) between a silkworm and Caterpillar. To save face, I declined. The next challenger who makes this mistake will be assaulted with information about Bombyx mori (or Bombyx mandarina, depending on location) with such force they'll surely regret it. (4 paragraphs explaining why these posts are so long!)

***
Am I going to write a book?
Yes. The pre-writing phase is basically complete. I hope to start with the actual writing soon. So you should see it sometime around 2020. In the interim, Slicers are encouraged to print out all of my Razor posts and put them in a 3 ring binder.

***
Some language? One of the confounding things about English is how you can really screw up a sentence by using the wrong variation of their/they're/there, but at the same time make up an entirely new word that has all of the clarity of a word 100's of years its senior. Examples? The Mayor of Chicago misspoke “insinnuendo”, which is not a word, but its meaning is perfectly clear. How about a Palinism? “Refudiate”. Again, not a word but clear as a bell. Neat.

***
Finally, my Mom noticed this article (or one like it) which tells us that the Cuban government will be laying off 500,000 workers over the next 6 months. Her thought? Employ them to train dophins. Those Slicers not immediately recognizing the reference are re-encouraged to click here and here. Also, several lazy Slicers have asked me to update them when the next installment of this series comes out. Not yet, lambs.

Beam me up.

Saleh, Politics, &c.

Remember Amrullah Saleh? I wrote about him here. He was the head of Afghanistan’s intelligence agency until June, when he was forced to resign. In the post I linked above, I wondered what he would do now that he is not officially part of the Afghan government. Today I finally was able to get in touch with someone who could give an update. Here it is:

Amrullah Saleh is in Kabul and he’s has started a grass-roots political movement. He frequently meets young Afghan professionals in Kabul and in northern provinces and speaks to students in Kabul university to raise political awareness amongst the youth. It was recently rumored in Kabul that he’s joined certain opposition leaders such as Abdullah Abdullah, Mohammad Mohaqeq and Gen. Dostum to form an opposition alliance. But he’s not confirmed that.

If you were wondering...


***
Here is my attempt at 'pandering to the base' :

Obama Failed Leadership - Foreign Policy from RightChange on Vimeo.

If you re-read the post I linked above, you'll recognize that I share the sentiments expressed in this video.

***

How about some Supreme Court? Excerpt from this article:

During an appearance on ABC's Good Morning America this morning, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer addressed the recent controversy over a Florida Pastor's plan to hold a Quran-burning rally on the anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attacks, saying he wasn't convinced the First Amendment would protect such an action if the case were brought to the court in the future.

"Holmes said it doesn't mean you can shout 'fire' in a crowded theater," Breyer told George Stephanopoulos during the GMA interview, referring to Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., who wrote the opinion in a 1919 Supreme Court decision that addressed Freedom of Speech. "Well, what is it? Why? Because people will be trampled to death. And what is the crowded theater today? What is the being trampled to death?"

For clarity, Justice Holmes said that Freedom of Speech does not give someone the right to shout "Fire!" in a crowded theater (unless it's actually on fire), because people could be injured or worse. Sounds like common sense right?

Now Justice Breyer (appointed by Clinton in 1994) is using this same logic with regards to Quran (Koran?) burning. Burning a Quran in the US could lead to riots and death in the Middle East, so might not be protected by Freedom of Speech.

Nonsense!

Notice he gets the basic point completely wrong. The reason you can’t shout “fire” in a crowded theater is not because people will be trampled, it is because, in this example, it is assumed your INTENT is to cause a panic.

If you shout “fire” and there’s no fire, it’s perfectly OK as long as you believed there was a fire, that your intent was to save lives.

Is there a more basic legal concept than this?

As I said last week, I'm not a fan of burning Qurans (primarily because they don't burn very well) but am willing to accept it as long as said burning isn't staged on a sacred day. Accept it, because we're in the US.

And anyone who thinks the burners' intent is too start riots in the Middle East, ain't paying attention...

***

Had a couple more items but some of my Dale County Slicers requested more brevity in my Razor posts.

E libris, ignis

Great Video, Quran burning, &c.

In the history of political oratory, we've had some fascinating moments. The Gettysburg Address, JFK's Inaugural Address, and now this:

Republican Phil Davison, a councilman from Minerva, Ohio, wants to be Stark County’s next treasurer. Badly. He has a Bachelor's Degree in Sociology and History and a Master's Degree in Public Administration and Communication. He also has his Doctorate Degree in Insanity.



Those Slicers who are skeptical about watching a 6 minute video are encouraged to watch only the first 2 minutes. This thing is glorious.

An excerpt? From the fifth minute of the video (It helps if while reading this, you imagine that a raging lunatic is screaming it at you.):
"If nominated tonight I will win this election! Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell Randy Gonzalez!"

Tell Randy Gonzalez? I don't mind telling my friends and neighbors, but I don't have time to tell Randy. Sorry.

I pray to God that someone makes an Autotune Rap Video out of this.

***
In a effort to prove that America can be just as intolerant as Saudi Arabia, we got some people planning a good ole fashion book burning this weekend. I've burned a ton of books and can confirm that it's not as fun as it sounds. Just last winter I burned about 25 "Readers Digest Condensed Books". It kinda sucked. They don't burn very well and they put off tons of ash and soot.

I'm reminded of the record (Vinyl Lp's) burnings we used to have in the US. It was common practice for the "Devil's Music" to be piled up and bonfired off the face of the Earth. These burnings were so effective that today it has become virtually impossible to hear any of that evil music. Unless of course you have an IPod, cellphone, or other such device... These mass burnings forced the Devil to adapt his music to a digital (and more flame resistant) format. Oh well...

As you can see, the goal of these roasters is not to rid the world of the Quran, but to make a statement. But why choose September 11th for this nonsense? That date should be reserved for remembrance of the victims of the attacks and how the nation came together to support their families. Not soiled by some fringe group.

Wouldn't it be nice if they'd have chose December 25th for this event. What better way to honor the birth of Christ than to have families all over the nation gather around the fireplace and burn Qurans while they open their presents. Not cool.

There are some dates that are important and should be held above the fray.

Luckily we live in a (mostly) free country and if someone wants to torch some Qurans, that's fine with me. But if you want my respect, don't do it on 9/11 (or 7/4, 12/7, 12/25, Easter, &c.).

Here in the US we can burn almost anything we want. If a group wants to get together and burn a bunch of Bibles, we'd be enraged, but they are allowed to. Try burning some Qurans in Saudi Arabia or Iran. You be lucky if you got stoned to death. More likely you'd be burned alive. Another great thing about the US? We can have these national debates on just about any topic. Build a mosque at Ground Zero? Let's discuss it as a nation. Burn some Qurans? Discussion. Nationalize healthcare? Discussion. We might not be thrilled with the outcome, but we should take pride that these debates can exist because they are not the default.

Before I go, a comparison of free and unfree countries. Remember when US soldiers abused and humiliated prisoners of war at Abu Ghraib? As a nation we were outraged. The responsible people were given a trial and appropriately punished. What has gone mostly unsaid is that before we controlled Abu Ghraib it was a prison run by Saddam Hussein. The torture and humiliation that occurred there was 10 times worse that what occurred under US supervision. And what happened to the offenders? If anything, promotion. The people had no venue for outrage.

I'm not drawing a moral equivalency between our crimes and theirs. It's the aftermath of the crimes that shows a distinction. We gave the victims justice. They didn't. And that's important.

More Cuba? Why Not?

Jeff Goldberg, writer for The Atlantic, was recently invited to have some private talks with Fidel Castro in Havana Cuba. He is publishing a series of articles about the trip here. I don't know anything about Goldberg or his policies, but the 1st two articles have been fascinating. I'd suggest that you take a couple minutes to read them...

Longtime Slicers will undoubtedly remember the Razor's opinion of the Cuban Regime (same communist crap, just tropical), and may remember reading some of the things I wrote here and here. As a brief and (very, very) simplified restating of history, Fulgencio Batista was a Cuban dictator for much of the 1950's. He used his position to enrich himself at the expense of the Cuban people. He was overthrown by Castro, which tossed the island out of the frying pan into the fire. Not long after taking power Castro became even more corrupt than Batista. 51 years later he is still around.

In the articles I mentioned (and linked) above, Goldberg tells some fascinating stories about his personal interactions with Castro. If he wasn't a murderer, you'd almost refer to them as "quaint". I'll reproduce a small portion for you here (head over to The Atlantic for the rest). Please remember that I didn't write this. When the author says "I" or "we" he is not referring to me. Throughout the work I've made a couple comments in gray.

...The next day was Monday, when maximum leaders are expected to be busy single-handedly managing their economies, throwing dissidents into prison, and the like. But Fidel's calendar was open. He asked us, "Would you like to go the aquarium with me to see the dolphin show?"
I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. (This happened a number of times during my visit).

"The dolphin show?"

"The dolphins are very intelligent animals," Castro said.

I noted that we had a meeting scheduled for the next morning, with Adela Dworin, the president of Cuba's Jewish community."Bring her," Fidel said.

Someone at the table mentioned that the aquarium was closed on Mondays. Fidel said, "It will be open tomorrow."And so it was. (If Fidel wants a dolphin show, he gets a dolphin show)

Late the next morning, after collecting Adela at the synagogue, we met Fidel on the steps of the dolphin house. We went together into a large, blue-lit room that faces a massive, glass-enclosed dolphin tank. Fidel explained, at length, that the Havana Aquarium's dolphin show was the best dolphin show in the world, "completely unique," in fact, because it is an underwater show. Three human divers enter the water, without breathing equipment, and perform intricate acrobatics with the dolphins.

"Do you like dolphins?" Fidel asked me.

"I like dolphins a lot," I said.

Fidel called over Guillermo Garcia, the director of the aquarium (every employee of the aquarium, of course, showed up for work -- "voluntarily," I was told) and told him to sit with us.

"Goldberg," Fidel said, "ask him questions about dolphins."

"What kind of questions?" I asked.

"You're a journalist, ask good questions," he said, and then interrupted himself. "He doesn't know much about dolphins anyway," he said, pointing to Garcia. He's actually a nuclear physicist."

"You are?" I asked.

"Yes," Garcia said, somewhat apologetically."

Why are you running the aquarium?" I asked.

"We put him here to keep him from building nuclear bombs!" Fidel said, and then cracked-up laughing." (weird humor...)

In Cuba, we would only use nuclear power for peaceful means," Garcia said, earnestly.

"I didn't think I was in Iran," I answered.

Fidel pointed to the small rug under the special swivel chair his bodyguards bring along for him. "It's Persian!" he said, and laughed again. (FYI: What we refer to as Iran, used to be called Persia)

Then he said, "Goldberg, ask your questions about dolphins."

Now on the spot, I turned to Garcia and asked, "How much do the dolphins weigh?"

They weigh between 100 and 150 kilograms, he said.

"How do you train the dolphins to do what they do?" I asked.

"That's a good question," Fidel said. Garcia called over one of the aquarium's veterinarians to help answer the question. Her name was Celia.
A few minutes later, Antonio Castro told me her last name: Guevara.

"You're Che's daughter?" I asked. (Che was one of Castro's original henchman)

"Yes," she said."And you're a dolphin veterinarian?""I take care of all the inhabitants of the aquarium," she said.

"Che liked animals very much," Antonio Castro said.


I find the human side of Castro fascinating. Kinda like the clean end of a turd...

The Bay of Mutts and Whales...

Long suffering Obama-hating Slicers who grew frustrated with the Razor as I defended the Presidents' handling of the Gulf Oil Spill and the Ground Zero Mosque, this one goes out to you!

In 1944, some Republicans spread the story that FDR had left his dog behind during a visit to the Aleutians and then sent a warship back to fetch him. In a speech to the Teamsters, he turned the charge to his advantage: ”These Republican leaders have not been content with attacks on me, or my wife, or on my sons. No, not content with that, they now include my little dog, Fala.”

Yesterday, President Obama told a labor audience in Milwaukee that he had taken on special interests: “And they’re not always happy with me. They talk about me like a dog. That’s not in my prepared remarks, it’s just — but it’s true. ”

One can only guess what the president was thinking. I’m the new Roosevelt, right? So what did he do when he was under attack? He told union guys something about a dog. But instead of tossing off some humorous line about Bo the First Canine, he blurted out a bit of witless self-pity. It was as senseless as it was unfunny.

Not even the world’s looniest dog-hater has ever accused a pooch of ignoring the Constitution and a running up a $13 trillion debt!

How about a couple Presidential photos? Last year's Obama summer vacation brought us some scintillating pictures of the President with his shirt off. This year? Not so much.

Sweet 10 Speed. Urkel called. He needs his helmet back. Michelle, throw those jeans away. Nobody wears grey jeans anymore.

I'm not suggesting that he should put on a flight suit and say something dumb from the deck of an aircraft carrier, but if this is the Obama administration's idea of a photo op, Geez.

Vladimir Putin (ex-president, puppet master, and future president of Russia) knows a thing or two about presentation (and vacationing). Did he go mountain biking through the Urals? Heck no! He went whale hunting for his vacation and provided this delightful picture:

Something tells me that if we had another Cuban missile crisis, the outcome would be a tad different.

Absum!

Egg on my face...

Boy do I feel dumb. In the past, I have always been able to rely on my 20/20 memory. This time it seems to have let me down. You might remember this post from a couple weeks ago. In it I showed two photos of me on two separate cruises 15 years apart wearing the exact same attire. I also showed my ignorance. I ended that cursed post with a piece on Ebonics.

To help explain why I feel like an idiot, I'm going to reprint a portion of the post here:

Several years ago I read a paragraph that was beautiful in its composition as well as in its content. The writer showed a mastery not only of his subject matter, but also of the English language. Every word was perfectly selected and used for maximum force. It was an amazing thing to behold. The last sentence of the paragraph? C'est la vie...

I immediately put my big brain to work deciphering this oddity. I read and re-read this wonderful paragraph looking for context clues as to what this French phrase might mean. I finally came to the conclusion that it meant "The more things change" with the three periods (...) leaving the reader to fill in "the more they stay the same". Such a phrase, used in this manner, would have been the perfect ending to the perfect paragraph.

So for the past 4 or 5 years I've been roaming the Earth thinking I had a French phrase in my arsenal and probably even fired it off a few times at some unsuspecting listener. Imagine my surprise a few weeks ago when I learned that "C'est la vie" actually means "Such is life". In hindsight, I should have known better than to try to translate a foreign phrase using context alone. More importantly, I certainly should have verified this little piece of knowledge before I tried it out in conversation. Oh well, C'est la vie...

Now I'll attempt explain the idiocy I engaged in.

The phrase that I read those many years ago was not "C'est la vie" but "plus ça change". "Plus ça change" does mean "the more things change". So when I originally read the paragraph and thought that this French oddity must mean "the more things change", I was correct. Of course it wouldn't take a genius to decipher that, it's practically screaming it out.

Over the years, I "misremembered" the phrase and somehow substituted "C'est la vie" in my mind. And rather than go back and look up the paragraph to ensure that my blog post was accurate, I assumed that memory was still perfect. Oh well.

After reading and re-reading the portion on Ebonics, I was so proud of my work that I decided to e-mail a link to my Linguist Hero, John McWhorter. As I mentioned last week, John has recorded many courses that are available through The Learning Company. I loaded "The History of Human Language" on my IPod and have listened to it many many times. I was hopeful that he would appreciate the effort that I put into learning and regurgitating what he taught. In addition, somewhere in that post, I included the phrase "eaten the eggs of endangered fish". John used this phrase in the course I listened to, I like it, and included it in my post to pay homage to him. Of course, before he could've arrived at the section on Ebonics, he would've been forced to plow through all of that "C'est la vie" crap at the beginning of the post.

I had no idea if he would take the time to read it, and I certainly didn't expect to get a reply from him. However, he was kind enough to drop me a note confirming that I had a firm grasp on at least one of the concepts he taught in the course.

In typical Adam Thomas fashion, I immediately began gloating to my friends and family. Perhaps the nations foremost linguist complimented me. Until today, I continued to be proud of that post.

Today however, I read his latest article at The New Republic (here). For those too lazy to click the link and read the whole article, I'll reproduce a (very) small portion of it here:

The upshot of this gaslight-era ethnic lexicography is, quite simply, plus ça change.

Do you see what he did there?

He used the correct phrase for "the more things change" to end a paragraph.

This sentence exploded in my gut like a depth charge! I immediately realized that my "C'est la vie" post was complete and utter garbage. My memory failed me, I was too lazy to go back and check my facts, and I did not read the phrase "C'est la vie" like I said I did. I certainly read it somewhere, and then just as certainly, got confused. Not only that, but I had emailed it to the one person who would most assuredly recognize it for what it was.

Oh how I wish I'd gone back and looked up that paragraph before I went to press!

I can only assume that John was laughing a bit as he published today's work. "That fool down in Alabama confuses the only two French phrases he knows. I'll show him how to end a paragraph..."

I'm tempted to write a blog post about The Proto-Indo-European language to make amends. Luckily for you, dear reader, I've learned my lesson.