Friday, July 30, 2010

Ex-fan Mail

Slicers, my inbox runneth over with your complaints regarding the poor quality of yesterdays Razor post. According to (we assume former) razorphan23@*****.com "re-posting stupid news stories from around the world is dumb" and "not even a little funny". We'll see about that.

On July 15th, 2010 the Gulf of Mexico Oil spill was finally contained. You can read about it here.


Eleven days later, on July 26th, we started getting reports that the spilled oil was nowhere to be found. Read this article for details. A few quotes from said article:

To our dismay, the following day, July 27th, we got our answer. The oil had resurfaced in Michigan. Read about it here. A quote from the article: "A state of emergency has been declared in southwest Michigan's Kalamazoo County as more than 800,000 gallons of oil released into a creek began making its way downstream in the Kalamazoo River, the Kalamazoo Gazette reports. "

Apparently this particular variety of oil is able to return underground and travel thousands of miles before resurfacing in various parts of the upper Midwest.

Shockingly, as soon as the Michigan spill was capped off, the oil reappeared in Louisiana. That's right a second Gulf oil spill. This one hundreds of miles from the first. You can read about it here.

Slicers, I have some disturbing news for you. This God Forsaken Oil has developed Whack-A-Mole Technology.

The upside of this development is we will no longer require oil booms, oil collecting ships, &c. Instead we can just arm the oil engineers with these neat little mallets:



Take that Slicer21@***.com and do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Extraterrestrials, Paranormal, and the Truely Bizarre

Meteorman

So there is this dude in Bosnia whose home has been hit by 6 meteorites in the past 3 years. You can read about it here. As unlikely as this seems, each of the rocks has been confirmed as a space rock.

As far as I can tell the previous record for meteorite strikes on a single structure was 1. How can we explain this phenomenon? I'll let the victim, Radivoje Lajic, do the talking:


'I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials. I don't know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense. The chance of being hit by a meteorite is so small that getting hit six times has to be deliberate.'


Just so we're clear, in The United States people target (illegal) aliens and in Bosnia aliens target people. Kakav Jedan Zemlja!


Evil Female Genie

From this article: A Saudi man has been chained in a basement apartment for more than six years because his father believes he is possessed by an evil female genie.

I have it on good account that prior to possessing the man, this genie spent 600+ years living in a brass lamp, so the 2 room basement is probably rather accommodating.

Describing the genie, the victims father said, "I used to see a woman who would at times appear very beautiful and at times extremely ugly." Someone should probably inform this gentleman that they might not be dealing with an "evil female genie". It seems more likely to me that they are just dealing with a female. It has been my experience that vacillations between beauty and ugly are quite common, and typically caused by said females' mood or the time of day.

Further, I'm not sure chaining her up in the basement is the best treatment as this is likely to further piss her off. Perhaps telling her that her hair is pretty, taking her out for a nice dinner, or buying her a new burka would do the trick.

African Albinos

There is nothing funny about this, but a man has been sentenced death by hanging for killing a five-year-old albino girl in Tanzania by hacking off her legs with a machete and then drinking her blood, media reported on Wednesday. You can read the full article here.

What is wrong with some people? If my witchdoctor told me to kill an albino and drink a potion made from their body parts, I'd be looking for a new witchdoctor.

Care for a true story? I have a friend who spent the 1960's living in Liberia. He was born and raised in Georgia and now lives in Florida, but he has some great stories from Africa. If a powerful person died, it was believed that you could get their power by eating a soup made from the body. It was apparently not uncommon to dig up a person, stew him, and eat him. So some tribal leader dies and before he was buried, he became the first person in the history of Liberia to be embalmed. That night many of the villagers gathered, dug him up and cooked him. Over the next week a significant % of the local population died. Why? Formaldehyde poisoning! Ultio Ultionis.

Housekeeping: I'm not sure why the right-hand side of youtube videos is being clipped off when I post them. I'm not sure if it's an issue with blogger, my specific template, or what. Whatever it is, I'm sorry. I'm working on a fix. Until then please enjoy the left 3/4 of the videos I post...

Monday, July 26, 2010

The Dad Life

As you probably know, I never had any kids. Yes, I've been dating Christena for 4 years and I've had some hand in raising Taylor (he's now 7), but most of the time he and I act like kids and she is left to do the actual parenting. When we are playing and we get hungry or thirsty, we scream out, "Mom, I want some (insert whichever food or drink we desire) and she brings it to us.

It's not that I haven't imparted some wisdom to him. I'll put him up against any randomly chosen adult in a geography contest, and he has developed quite an eye for spotting value in collectibles. The flip side is that I also taught him to wash his hands BEFORE he goes to the bathroom (to keep the Unit clean)...

When I do try to discipline him, he gets this look on his face like, "You're the one who just tried to get me to join a gang that snatches off old ladies wigs, and now you want to lecture me on..."

Combining this irreverence and the fact that I don't live with Christena and Taylor, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who never grew up. From this unique vantage point, I've watched a lot of otherwise ordinary people miraculously transform into shells of their former selves. One by one I've watched my friends succumb to the Dad Life and the funny part is they don't even realize it.

Here is a typical conversation:

  • Adam, to friend, "What's up player? Want to (go to the Bahamas, play cards all night, &c.)?"
  • Friend, "Man, I can't do anything until 2016. I've got to (go to a beauty pageant, coach a t-ball team, watch Junior while my wife does something fun, &c.)"

I should mention, that most of my friends seem perfectly content with this arrangement. To a father the joys of parenthood more than offset the loss of their identity and freedom. In no way am I judging them or proclaiming that my lifestyle is superior. I'm merely observing that there is a different mindset that casually sneaks up and takes a hold of their brains, and there appears to be nothing that can be done to prevent it.

My point, if I have one, is that if I'd said to them 5-10 years ago, "In the future, I'm going to invite you fishing and you won't be able to go because you've got a birthday party to attend on a Saturday afternoon." the responses would have ranged from disbelief to pure rage.

Lest you be confused, I'm not talking about the day to day chores like changing diapers, giving baths, &c. Everyone knows that comes with the territory. What I'm talking about is the lifestyle 180° that comes with parenting that they don't even see happening.

A couple examples?

  • I get in my buddies car. 10 years ago he had a $2000 sound system. 20 inch sub woofer, 6 disc cd changer and we listened to Rock music so loud our ears would bleed. Now, when I climb in I've gotta push 6 months worth of Happy Meal toys into the backseat so I can even get in and the sound system has been replaced with a Dual Monitor DVD Player that's never played anything but Toy Story 24. What happened to you man? Death Row Records has been replaced by Pixar? You wouldn't even let us eat in your car. Now your kid has a garden planted under the back seat.
  • My friend Matt showed up for a softball game last year pushing a stroller, which would've been fine if his wife was with him and it was a family situation. No, she was playing Bunco with her friends and he had to babysit during the game. Dude.

So this video is dedicated to everyone who thinks this kind of behavior is acceptable:





P.S. I take my trash out once a month, and if Christena tells me to take it out before then, I wait an extra couple weeks.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Flying Donkeys, Musical Politicians, and a Birthday

I haven't felt like blogging very much this week. Had I been more active, here are a few of the topics I may have covered:

1. Russians throw a donkey out of an airplane:




I can think of a couple other Russian donkeys that need to be tossed out of an airplane (sans chute)...

2. Alvin Greene's Campaign/Rap Video: (You should remember Alvin Green, I wrote about him here)





This song sounds like someone gave the Sugar Hill Gang an autotune machine...

Sorry for the weak effort this week. Apathy...

There is one item that I need to cover before I leave for the weekend. My sister is turning 31 tomorrow. I'm reminded of her 3rd birthday and the trip we took to celebrate it. We lived in Pennsylvania at the time and we went up into the mountains and played in a stream. It was more fun than it sounds. Here are some photos from that memorable day:


Birthday Girl, with mother 7/24/1982.



Warning: If you do this...


...this could happen.

Happy Birthday and enjoy your weekend.

Beam me up.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Fun with "I Write Like"...

I write like
Arthur Conan Doyle

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!



There is a new website where you can feed it a copy of your writing and it will tell you which famous author your style most resembles. You can try it out here. Just find something you wrote, copy and paste it into the box, and hit "Analyze".

I used the first paragraph from yesterday's blog:

"During a recent trip to Central Florida, my father unearthed a treasure trove of "Thomas Family" photographs. It is my intention to withhold most of these photographs until they can be used for maximum effect, but one such photograph is useful now."

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle! Most famous for Sherlock Holmes...

Next I copied my one of my sisters' comments from my blog yesterday and pasted it in. I was expecting the worse, but instead got this:

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!



Never heard of him? Me either. You can read about him here. He's some Jewish-Canadian blogger who serves as co-editor of the blog Boing Boing. So I got one of the greatest fiction writers of all time, and my sister? Not so much. In fairness, her comments (which can be found at the end of yesterday's post, were pretty amusing.

Next up? My ladyfriend Christena. I inserted a paragraph from one of her emails. Survey says:

I write like
Margaret Atwood

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!



Who? From her wikipedia entry: Mrs Atwood is a Canadian author, poet, critic, essayist, feminist and social campaigner. At least Christena got matched to a female...

In closing, this software identified me as a Knight in Satirical Armor, my sister as a Jewish dude, and my girlfriend as a lady from Canada who once said this, "The animals die that we may live, they are substitute people...And we eat them, out of cans or otherwise; we are eaters of death, dead Christ-flesh resurrecting inside us, granting us life."

What???

Monday, July 19, 2010

Beauty Pageant, Political idiocy, &c.

During a recent trip to Central Florida, my father unearthed a treasure trove of "Thomas Family" photographs. It is my intention to withhold most of these photographs until they can be used for maximum effect, but one such photograph is useful now.

Up until now, due primarily to a 20+ year age differential, it has been exceedingly difficult to compare my good looks, with those of my Dad on an age adjusted basis. In an Adam's Razor exclusive, you will now be able to decide once and for all which Thomas man was the most handsome.


Age before beauty so Dad goes first:



Based not only on the volume of hair, but also on his attire, I am able to estimate that this picture was taken sometime in the late 1970's. Surprisingly, his mustache looks largely the same and is not helpful in dating this picture. Based on the above evidence, we'll assume that he is in his mid-20's (DOB: 1955).


It was exceedingly hard for me to find a picture of myself from my mid-20's where I was more than partially clothed. As a result, female Slicers are welcome to "right click" on this picture and the click "set as background".

Slicers are invited to participate in the poll below.

If I had a time machine, I would prefer to go out on a date with:



Dumb and Dumber

Since there has not been a good political sex scandal for the past month or so, I'm going to continue with the theme of amazingly dumb things said by politicians [which (un)fortunately there is no shortage of].

With 535 (435 in the house, 100 in the senate) members of Congress each taking advantage of their 1st amendment rights, it can often be difficult to select who said the stupidest thing on any given day. I would like to thank Representative Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) for making today's selection a no-brainer.

Here is a video of Ms. Jackson Lee (re)educating us on the geopolitical situation in South East Asia:





This phrase in particular might strike you as odd, "Today, we have two Vietnams, side by side, North and South, exchanging and working. We may not agree with all that North Vietnam is doing, but they are living in peace. I would look for a better human rights record for North Vietnam, but they are living side by side."

Lest any of you Slicers are confused by Ms. Lee's incoherence. We have one Vietnam. It lives side by side,not with itself, but with Laos, Cambodia, and China. In case you are wondering, Ms. Lee sits on the Committee on Foreign (!!!)Affairs. She earned a B.A. in political science from Yale University in 1972. Can you think of anything that might have been going on in 1972 that may have clued an Ivy League political science major into the idea that there might be one Vietnam? Me either...

If I were to ever find myself saying something insanely idiotic on national television (which if I'm ever on national television, is likely to happen), I would probably sulk back home and lay low for a couple days.

Not Ms. Lee.

She then heads over to the NAACP and (during a speech about the upcoming election and the "Tea Party") says this: "All those who wore sheets a long time ago have now lifted them off and started wearing, uh, clothing, uh, with a name, say, I am part of the tea party."

I'm sure that in context (and insane asylums) her comment makes a little sense, but this is an example of the dangers that can occur when your mouth runs faster than your brain. In today's political environment it is common to call members of the "Tea Party" racist, but to accuse them of taking off their sheets, and putting on, uh, clothes?

Making a fool of herself is nothing new to Congresswoman Lee. In 2005 she visited NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratories to observe the successes of the Mars Pathfinder mission. Mars Pathfinder, besides being the first of a series of missions to Mars that included rovers (robotic exploration vehicles), was the most important since the Vikings landed on the red planet in 1976, and also was the first successful mission to send a rover to a planet.

During her visit, Ms. Lee asked the facility why the Pathfinder didn’t take a photo of the American flag that Neil Armstrong planted on Mars in 1969. She was no doubt astounded to learn that Mr. Armstong (or anyone else) has never been to Mars. The Apollo missions were successful, it's just their intended target was a tad closer, and made out of cheese. Not since Jim Carey's brilliant portrayal of Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber, has anyone been so shocked to learn that man has indeed landed on the moon.

Reductio ad absurdum

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Mea Culpa, Local Politics, &c.

This is gonna be a short one. Just wanted to apologize for the quality of my "Luis Grass" post yesterday. I started writing it, and the plan was to finish today and then post. For some unknown reason, Blogger could not wait 24 hours. They had to show it to the world early. Complete with misspellings, grammatical problems, &c. I probably wouldn't have found all the errors anyway, but I did plan to add some flesh to various parts of it. Since you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, I'll leave it as is...

Television stations, newspapers, and the people who make those goofy roadside signs are rejoicing. This is an election year! Based on the quality of our local representation, one would think that we could find suitable replacements at the bus station in about 15 minutes. But no, we are subjected to 6+ months of campaigning. In an election year it becomes virtually impossible to watch TV, listen to the radio, drive anywhere, or check your mail with out being exposed to some sycophant soliciting your vote. Many of the local guys even go door to door canvasing our neighborhoods shaking our hands and kissing our babies.

To prove how effective their political marketing can be, I offer this exchange between Christena and her son Taylor (age 7):

Taylor: "Are you gonna vote for George Flowers or Richard Talley?"

Christena: "I don't know."

Taylor: "Well, George Flowers came to our house, so maybe you should vote for him."

Christena: "Richard Talley came by the house last Saturday while you were still asleep."

Taylor: "Oh, well George Flowers has a dog."

Christena: "Good point."

I'm not sure how effective Mr. Flowers campaign has been on adults, but based on my unofficial poll (sample size, one), he has the 2nd grade demographic locked up.

Slicers, please do not email explaining that George Flowers and Richard Talley are running for different positions. I know that. Taylor, on the other hand, has not yet mastered all of the nuance of our governmental system.

Finally, I've finally come to grips with the fact that my wallet is gone, and won't be coming back. I'm headed down to the DMV to get a new license...

Beam me up.

2010 Luis Grass Award

I'm ready to announce the winner of the "2010 Luis Grass Award"!

Who is Luis Grass and why have I named an award for him? Good question.

Luis Grass was a Cuban mechanic who gained some notoriety in 2003 -05 with his ingenious attempts to escape from that communist hellhole and emigrate to the United States.


His 1st attempt ended in failure when his truck was stopped before he crossed into the United States. I know what you're thinking. "You can't drive to the US from Cuba!!!" That is what separates Mr. Glass from the rest of us. Where we see 90 miles of ocean as an obstacle, he sees an opportunity to test the sea-worthiness of his 1951 Chevy pickup. Pictured here:



Unfortunately for Mr. Grass [and comrades (amigos?)], the United States Coast Guard is a bit more efficient that those fine folks patrolling our land based borders. Mr. Grass was rewarded for his ingenuity by being repatriated back to Cuba. Sadly, the pickup truck was also later sunk (reportedly through the copious application of machine-gun fire!) by the U.S. Coast Guard.

With regards to emigrants (refugees) from Cuba, The United States has a wet-foot/dry-foot policy. If you can get one foot on land, you can stay. Captured at sea? Back to Cuba.

Luckily, we hadn't heard the last of Luis Grass. The next year he modified a 1959 Buick into a boat, loaded his family into the car, and set sail for Florida. Pictured here:




While they didn't quite make it to the United States, US officials decided that in deference to his dedication he and his family would not be sent back to Cuba, but would be allowed to enjoy the relative freedom of Costa Rica. For more information (lots of photos!) about Mr. Glass and his friends, click here.

It was his 2nd attempt that caught my attention. I remember reading the news articles at the time and being amazed at his determination and entertained by his boat designs. Also one of his family members was quoted as saying, "My cousin isn't crazy. He wants to be free."

In the years since, I've thought about that quote literally thousands of times. I've read news articles about various people and there desperate attempts to gain freedom. I've met refugees from Cuba, Burma, Cambodia, and maybe a few other places.

When I hear these stories, I can't help but think "how bad were conditions where they'd leave everything they'd ever known?", "what would I do in a similar situation", "man, am I lucky", &c.

You'd have to be crazy to risk your life to flee N. Korea. You'd have to be crazy to load your family in a boat that you made out of a 60 year old car and "sail" to the US.

Then I remember, "My cousin isn't crazy. He wants to be free."

So the winner of this year's "Luis Grass Award"?

The as yet unidentified designer of this sweet baby:

Yep, that's a Cuban boat made out of Styrofoam. The Coast Guard found it a few miles from Marathon Key, FL. The "captain" claims to have left Havana, Cuba on June 20th, 2010. At this point, it is unknown if he'll be returned to Cuba or allowed to settle in the US (or a democratic alternative). If he is returned to Cuba, I'll consider it a crime against humanity. As soon as his identity is released, I'll make sure he receives proper credit on the Razor.

As for his boat, I'd like to see the Coast Guard try to sink that one.

For more information on this story, click here.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Gamalielese, Karma, &c.

A quick piece on Presidential verbosity?

"I would like government to do all it can to mitigate, then in understanding in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved." - Warren G. Harding, 29th President of the United States.

Before your read and re-read the above quote trying to decipher the wisdom that President Harding was trying to impart, I should probably tell you that this particular combination of words is so meaningless that it borders on idiotic. Four score years before we had George W. Bush's speeches to make fun of, President Harding orated to the Nation with speeches so vacuous and sentences so horribly constructed their meaning is unknown even now.

My point? When President's speak, the people and nations of the world listen. Even if there are no coherent thoughts contained within...

With that in mind I reproduce for you a statement that our current President made this week (Actually I've reproduced it twice. The 2nd time I've removed ONE word. See if you can spot it.):
  • "What you've seen in some of the statements that have been made by these terrorist organizations is that they do not regard African life as valuable in and of itself." - Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States
  • "What you've seen in some of the statements that have been made by these terrorist organizations is that they do not regard life as valuable in and of itself." - Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States

This was part of a speech he made in response to the Al Queda "World Cup" attacks in Uganda this past weekend.

Did you notice the word I removed? African

Without the word "African" in the sentence, the knowledge imparted is so obvious that it doesn't even need restating. The actions of Al Queda speak loud enough that words are not required.

If you accept my premise that Obama was trying to tell us something and not to orate unnecessarily, what exactly was he trying to tell us? I think it's logical to conclude that President Obama speech was designed with the key thought being "Al Queda is racist".

I have a question for President Obama:

Do you have a dream sir? Do you have a dream that one day we will live in a world where Al Queda will select its victims not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character?

Enlightened Slicers will no doubt recognize my allusion to Dr. M.L. King's most famous speech which was not only perfect in its delivery but powerful in it's message (W. Harding could only dream...). If required I will offer a sincere apology to any victims of real racism. It is certainly not my intention to cheapen Dr. King's speech in anyway. Rather, I've attempted to use it to point out the offensiveness and ridiculousness of what our current President said (believes?).

Whether we choose to accept it, Al Queda has declared war on our way of life. If there is a "race" that they hold particular contempt for, it is probably the Jews. Most importantly, they do not value any life, even their own.

So while Harding may be the torchbearer for Presidential Nonsensery, a President who ineloquently states nothing does seem less dangerous...

Karma

As I go to publish this post, I am unable to find my wallet. I had it yesterday afternoon, but today its location is a mystery.

As of now I feel not only hungry, but foolish for the ridicule I heaped on my friend Nathan this week. Wallets, it seems, are harder to keep up with than I had suspected.

The last time I saw it, it contained my Driver's License, debit card, various business cards, and $110.00 in cash. Anyone who finds it is welcome to retain the $110 as a reward and return everything else to me. Also, for the sake of discretion, if you find it in a seedy location, I would appreciate that you keep that information to yourself.

Finally, if anyone is in the neighborhood of my office, I wouldn't mind if you dropped off a sandwich.

Carthago delenda est

Monday, July 12, 2010

Weekend Rewind, Hero to Goat to Hero, &c.

Long time slicers will not be surprised to learn that I enjoyed an action packed and fascinating weekend. As a matter of fact, Summer 2010 is shaping up to be my 2nd best summer ever.


(As an aside, in the future, school children will study The Adam Thomas Summer 2009 as a textbook example of "living the life". This legendary summer included, 2 trips to the Bahamas, a solo trip to Belize, and so many weekend adventures that Autumn was half-way over before my passport and debit card had cooled down enough to be touched.)


Back to 2010, Christena turned 31 on Saturday and one of her friends gave her a Helicopter ride as a gift (Bill, my birthday is in February). It was my first time in a Helicopter, but hopefully not my last. Highlights included skimming the treetops, doing 60 degree banks at 125 knots while listening to ACDC (the pilot, who had an eclectic taste in music, was playing his Ipod through our headset).


Here's a video, you'll have to imagine the ACDC...


http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/8195986


Saturday night we met 8 of Christena's friends for dinner and bowling. I rolled a 173 to claim 1st prize in bowling, and while our companions were still marveling at my advanced bowling skills, we saw a random girl at the alley wearing an "Adam's Razor Tank Top" (available here). I don't like to draw attention to myself in public, but I did allow the young lady to have her picture made with me:




I figured it was the least I could do considering how excited she was to meet me and I receive a royalty from all merchandise sales...

Sunday we headed down to Marianna, FL to inner tube down Spring Creek. In hindsight, this is the second consecutive Sunday I've spent in an inner tube, which is my new record.

Quick story from the float trip. You've already been introduced to Amy Kennedy in Razor posts last week. Her husband is Nathan. Well Amy dives into the river and loses an expensive pair of sunglasses. Before she notices they're gone, the current has washed them away. We spent a couple minutes looking for them with no luck.

So a 1/4 mile down river, her husband Nathan notices a stump in the water that is catching lots of debris as the river rushes past. He walks over, reaches down, and you guessed it: found her sunglasses.

Nathan claims King of the River and proceeds to float down the river on an inflatable throne. All of the men in our party wished they could be like him and all our ladies wished they were there with him. It was quite a scene.

Unfortunately for Nathan, his ego deflated faster than a popped inner tube. When we got back to the landing he discovered that he hadn't lock their car and both of their wallets had been stolen. Rarely has one man fallen so far so fast. The men of our party looked at him with scorn, and our ladies felt sympathy for Amy.

So they called the police, filed a report, and then called their debit/credit card companies to deactivate everything.

Sometime during the middle of the night while Nathan was asleep on the couch, he was aroused to consciousness by a stunning remembrance. He'd put the wallets under the driver side seat of the car. Upon realizing that they'd never been stolen, he presented the wallets (complete with useless debit cards) victoriously to Amy. As we go to press with this blog, it is unknown whether she let him finish the night in the bed, or banished him once again to the couch.

Henceforth on the Razor, as opportunities present themselves, we'll refer to the "Hero to Goat to Hero" maneuver as a "Nathan Kennedy 720°".

One last housekeeping item before we go, on the right hand side of this blog there is a poll. Slicers are encouraged to vote early and often.

See ya soon

Friday, July 9, 2010

One summer, Two battles

Shavers,

Just wanted to let you know that I am currently involved in two minor skirmishes that I intend to document on the Razor for your entertainment pleasure.

As stated earlier this week, Amy Kennedy played a nice trick on me this past weekend, and in tribute, I dedicated a Razor post to her. In my post, I mentioned that Christena and I will be spending a weekend with her and Nathan (husband) later this month, and I was looking forward to returning the favor.

Apparently public interest in the "Adam vs. Amy Summer Prank War" is higher than I initially thought. An anonymous Razor fan left this comment on my Blog:

Anonymous said...
Wow, what a huge resemblance between Jennifer and that Amy Kennedy. She could actually be a look alike for Jennifer though Amy is a bit better looking than she is! Also, what a witty girl that Amy Kennedy is. If I am remembering correctly, Amy graduated from Dale County High School as your girlfriend Christena did. How wonderful that a girl once embraced by "the redneck jaws of Dale County" (I once heard it called this by a guy I know) pull off a prank on an old Rehobeth graduate! This is how I call it.

Score:
Kennedy - 1
Thomas - 0

Sincerely,
An Anonoymous Razor Fan


I've reproduced this comment in yellow because the person was too cowardly to use their real name. No problem. I actually think Mr./Mrs. Anonymous Razor Fan raises two interesting points.

  1. Amy Kennedy is more attractive than the actress Ginnifer Goodwin. On the surface I tend to agree. Four years ago when I was in the market for a new Dale County Girl, Amy made my "final three" along with Christena and Kellie. Luckily for Christena, Amy had just met Nathan. I think I'll save the story of how Christena won out over Kellie for another day.
  2. Amy is currently ahead in the points total 1 to 0. Again, I agree. With that said, it's a long summer and Amy and I will be spending two of the next three weekends together so it seems likely that the scorecard will need consistent updating. If the rumour intelligence I'm getting is correct, Amy is not going to sit on her 1 prank lead. We'll see.

And the 2nd skirmish?

Over the course of a 96 hour camping trip, The Strowd (fellow blogger) and I had plenty of time to cuss and discuss our views on virtually everything. Finally, in the last hour of the trip we found something we disagreed about. Legalized Gambling and/or whether the people of Alabama should be allowed to vote on the issue.

Upon review of our discussions, I was reminded of the great "Firing Line" episodes of the mid-1970's that featured the great William F. Buckley (RIP) debating Ronald Reagan (RIP). Readers who take exception to me comparing my campfire talks with The Strowd to the legendary exchanges between Buckley and Reagan are reminded that the Razor exists primarily to inflate my sense of self.

Here's the evidence:

  • Buckley and Reagan were two of the greatest conservative political thinkers of their time. With them both gone a void must be filled, and The Strowd and I are ready to ascend to our rightful place.
  • The Buckley's and Reagan's vacationed together many times throughout their lives. Admittedly, they weren't exactly tent camping in Hillbilly, Tennessee but you see my point.
  • They agreed on virtually everything of political importance. The rare disagreement between the two men was settled via debate on national television.

With the comparison carefully drawn, I could think of only one thing to do. Challenge The Strowd to a "Battle of the Blogs".

He showed the poor judgement to accept my challenge, and so the battle is on.

Over the next couple weeks, as time permits, we'll make cases for our respective positions. First, on the gambling thing, and then on to other topics as disagreements present themselves.

For background on my foe, click here and here. That's right, he requires two blogs to document his life!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Skin down, Botox to go...

Ladies of the Wiregrass, Good News!

Whenever I use my image for official Razor business, my graphics guy (who chooses to remain nameless) photoshops me up in a (perhaps hopeless) effort to make me appear attractive. As an example, below you will find two photos. The original on the left and the one that has been Handaled on the right:



Notice the wrinkles and crows feet around my eyes, random discolorations in my skin, and various scarring here and there. Gone, Gone, and Gone!

Some slicers might point out that even with the most powerful photo editing softball extant, I'm still not particularly attractive. You'll be reminded that the Razor is not a dating website, it is a blog. If this was E-Harmony, I'd use someone else's picture entirely. At the Razor, I just try to modify reality slightly to suit my purposes.

When I meet members of the public for the first time, they often comment that I look younger on the internet. Even though I have a long track record of disappointing females, I decided to take some steps to upgrade my analog face to more closely resemble my digital face.

You see, about twice a week, I eat lunch with a group of dermatologists (no I won't get you an appointment). I challenged them and their 20+ combined years of medical school to fix my face. After staring at my skin multiple times per week for the past six months, they finally devised a plan to improve it. This morning they invited me in for my first treatment. Half a cannister of liquid nitrogen later, they feel like they froze off about ten years worth of mistreatment. I feel like they burned off my entire face.

I'm told that the pain, blistering, &c. will gradually subside over the next two weeks and my new face will be ready for its debut!

Females of the Wiregrass, Rejoice. Men of the Wiregrass, Lament.


Postscript: Due to the sensative nature of this post I've opted to disable the "comments" feature on this post. If you have a comment, please right it down on paper (using blue or black ink), wad it up into a ball, and shove it where the "sun don't shine".

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Amy Kennedy, Logo, new URL...

Ok, so this past weekend, I was the victim of a practical joke. Under the guise of being concerned, my friend Amy Kennedy contacted us to ensure we were ok. Said she'd heard on Foxnews that a women was murdered and a man was missing in a campground near Benton, TN. Alas, there was no murder, she made it up.

I salute her for the amount of research she put into her joke. Believable story, geographical details, etc. Very few of my friends would be willing to spend an entire Friday night surveying maps of eastern Tennessee, but I appreciate her commitment. I was so convinced that people might be actually worried about us, I put up a hasty Razor post (see below) late Friday night.

Unluckily for Amy, Christena and I are going on a weekend trip with her and Nathan (her husband) later this month. While on this mini-vacation Amy will be introduced to a whole other level of pranks and practical jokes. I'm looking forward to it.

For those that don't know Amy, here is her photo:


Wait a minute, that is a photo of the famous actress Ginnifer Goodwin.

Here is the picture of Amy:


I always get those two confused.

On to official Razor business...

My graphic designer and I have finally come to an agreement on the concept for the Official Adam's Razor Logo. Looks like we'll have the logo added to all of the Razor Merchandise before the "Back to School" Shopping Season.

One more exciting development. Our friends over at thestrowdblog taught me how to change my blog address. In the next week or two, you should be able to access the Razor by going to www.adamsrazor.com. I wanted the apostrophe, but it is apparently an illegal character...

Got some other posts/projects in the works so I'll see ya soon.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

all is well

Just got a text from a concerned slicer. It seems that foxnews (can't link, I'm on my cell phone) is reporting a 30-something couple was murdered-missing in an ocoee campground. I am in an ocoee campground but have not been murdered as of midnight.

If foxnews reports that someone dies from laughing hysterically, it could be my companions as I'm reading them random razor posts.

If I get murdered later this weekend, you can have my stuff.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Taylor Made Festival, Al Queda, &c.

When I was 12 years old, my family moved to Taylor, AL. Every summer Taylor hosted the Taylor Made Festival. Activities included a Softball Tournament, vendors peddling their various wares, and (my favorite) the Washer Chunking Tournament. For those of you unfamiliar, Washer Chunking is a lot like throwing horseshoes except the horseshoe is replaced with a 2 inch washer, and you try to throw it into a small hole instead of at a stake.



Here is a visual aide:



This particular shot not only cost me a match, but made me question my fathers' skills as a craftsmen. If he hadn't gone cheap on the glue...


Back to my story. As a child, my best friend Stevie and I watched every match of the tournament, as we were unable to participate do to age. The same team, Tom and Henry, won the thing almost every year.


Steve and I have spent the last 20 years training to become Taylor's greatest washer throwers, which probably puts us amongst the best in the world. In a best of three situation, I doubt there are very many teams that can compete with us.


Just as our skills were beginning to peak, and we were prepared to challenge Tom and Henry for the title, The Town of Taylor elected Joel Napier as mayor. Joel is one of my least favorite people (due in large part to a nasty soccer incident in 1994). Elections have consequences and Joel's mismanagement of our town resulted in the Festival not being held for the past few years and thus Stevie and I have been denied our chance at glory.


As an aside, it brought great joy to my soul when I read this article last year: link


Joel apparently thought he was the mayor of a town in South Carolina, because he was arrested for "sexing up" a fat chick in the Waffle House parking lot. I have a policy of not rejoicing in the misfortune of my enemies, but in this case I made an exception because my hatred is so deep and I thought Joel would resign and the Washer Tournament would be restored. Unfortunately, Joel didn't have enough pride or dignity to resign, so the town's hardships continue.


Amazingly, Stevie called me a few weeks ago and said that the Town of Taylor was planning to once again hold the Taylor Made Festival over the July 4th weekend and was I ready to take down the Washer Chunking Title? While skeptical that they could actually pull it off, I began training late at night in my garage.


Just as I completed knocking all the rust off my game, I found out they were having the festival, but weren't having the Washer Tournament. I can only assume that the word "chunk" reminds Joel of Waffle House hash browns, and he killed the Tournament for another year.


So I'm headed to white water raft in North Carolina.


In other news, today we got a great report regarding the Global War on Terror. It seems that Al Queda has been rendered so impotent that they've had to discontinue their efforts to kill us and are now going to attack us with an English language magazine. Here is the front cover of the 1st issue:



Someone should inform them that we American's have already built up a pretty strong tolerance to bad journalism.

From the article linked above: "The U.S. is quite worried about Al Qaeda's new publishing ambitions."

Quite worried? Really? More like terrified! We Americans haven't been exposed to anything this dangerous since "Air America" filed for bankruptcy.

I am interested in the article "Make a bomb in the kitchen of your mom". I've begun the process of making many bombs in my mom's kitchen. Typically I deploy them in her bathroom a few hours after eating.

(Sorry about that last paragraph. I know it was childish. However, my Aunt Amy reads this blog to my grandmother. I'll spend the better part of this weekend laughing hysterically, envisioning how that scene unfolds. BTW, Amy turned 43 this week.)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Local stuff, mea culpa, &c.

After Friday's successful E-visceration of Taylor Barbaree, I've had a few requests to slice up more local stuff. I'm hesitant to do this for a couple reasons. One of which is that some readers may not realize that this site is done entirely tongue in cheek, and it is infinitely more likely that I'll run into a local person than Al Gore (God forbid). In attempt to avoid getting beat up by a commissioner, I'll probably continue to stick with more "national" topics.

With that said, I found one item that I believe is safe to pursue.

There is only one place that scares me more than a wedding alter, and that is a hospital maternity ward. As such, it seems unlikely that I'll run across these parties anytime soon. For background, there was a brawl in the "birthing unit" of the Southeast Alabama Medical Center. You can read about it here (As an aside, every tenth person or so who clicks the link will see my photo at the top of the page. Single ladies who choose to refresh the site repeatedly are to be saluted.).

The article states that the "fight involved family and boyfriend". It is hard to imagine what event could've transpired at such a joyous occasion to warrant the need for physical violence. While I haven't been able to contact an eyewitness to this debacle, it can be assumed that it unfolded something like this:
  • Doctor: "Almost there. Just give me one more push."
  • Doctor: "Ok, that does it. You've delivered a healthy baby boy/girl (the article isn't clear).
  • Husband: "I love you honey. I'm so proud of you. Hey. Wait a minute. This thing looks just like (boyfriend)!!!

I'll spare you the rest, but it's easy to see how this thing got out of hand. Without more information, I feel bad for the child and husband. Depending on the level of attractiveness of the mother, I could possibly be persuaded to feel bad for the boyfriend.


I'M SORRY

On Friday, I added the "Friends of the Razor" link at the top of the blog. Slicers who happened to click it, were able to become partially familiar with my friend David Sconyers. As I mentioned, he is a grumpy ole fellow and extremely difficult to please. Imagine my surprise when I received a text message from him over the weekend congratulating me on my hilarious piece on Chick-fil-A (linked above).

I was only able to rest on my laurels for 5 days. Today he dropped by my office to give me a stern talking to. It seems he was so disappointed by yesterdays effort, he had to tell me face to face.

Look, I know I "mailed it in", but I thought it might be nice to mix it up a bit and just give you the jokes without having to read 32 paragraphs of linguistical bombast. At least one shaver agreed. My friend Strowd left me a nice comment.

Over the past few months, I've developed a very detailed method for writing this blog. First, a hilarious sentence pops into my head. Next, I try to think up the most convoluted way of incorporating the sentence into a blog post. Last, I consider proofreading the post and then decide not to.

Yesterday, in an attempt to save time, I skipped the 2nd step. As David pointed out, each of the bullet-pointed jokes was funny enough to deserve a well developed Razor post, and I wasted them. I'm sorry and it won't happen again.

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