The Dad Life

As you probably know, I never had any kids. Yes, I've been dating Christena for 4 years and I've had some hand in raising Taylor (he's now 7), but most of the time he and I act like kids and she is left to do the actual parenting. When we are playing and we get hungry or thirsty, we scream out, "Mom, I want some (insert whichever food or drink we desire) and she brings it to us.

It's not that I haven't imparted some wisdom to him. I'll put him up against any randomly chosen adult in a geography contest, and he has developed quite an eye for spotting value in collectibles. The flip side is that I also taught him to wash his hands BEFORE he goes to the bathroom (to keep the Unit clean)...

When I do try to discipline him, he gets this look on his face like, "You're the one who just tried to get me to join a gang that snatches off old ladies wigs, and now you want to lecture me on..."

Combining this irreverence and the fact that I don't live with Christena and Taylor, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who never grew up. From this unique vantage point, I've watched a lot of otherwise ordinary people miraculously transform into shells of their former selves. One by one I've watched my friends succumb to the Dad Life and the funny part is they don't even realize it.

Here is a typical conversation:

• Adam, to friend, "What's up player? Want to (go to the Bahamas, play cards all night, &c.)?"
• Friend, "Man, I can't do anything until 2016. I've got to (go to a beauty pageant, coach a t-ball team, watch Junior while my wife does something fun, &c.)"

I should mention, that most of my friends seem perfectly content with this arrangement. To a father the joys of parenthood more than offset the loss of their identity and freedom. In no way am I judging them or proclaiming that my lifestyle is superior. I'm merely observing that there is a different mindset that casually sneaks up and takes a hold of their brains, and there appears to be nothing that can be done to prevent it.

My point, if I have one, is that if I'd said to them 5-10 years ago, "In the future, I'm going to invite you fishing and you won't be able to go because you've got a birthday party to attend on a Saturday afternoon." the responses would have ranged from disbelief to pure rage.

Lest you be confused, I'm not talking about the day to day chores like changing diapers, giving baths, &c. Everyone knows that comes with the territory. What I'm talking about is the lifestyle 180° that comes with parenting that they don't even see happening.

A couple examples?

• I get in my buddies car. 10 years ago he had a $2000 sound system. 20 inch sub woofer, 6 disc cd changer and we listened to Rock music so loud our ears would bleed. Now, when I climb in I've gotta push 6 months worth of Happy Meal toys into the backseat so I can even get in and the sound system has been replaced with a Dual Monitor DVD Player that's never played anything but Toy Story 24. What happened to you man? Death Row Records has been replaced by Pixar? You wouldn't even let us eat in your car. Now your kid has a garden planted under the back seat.
• My friend Matt showed up for a softball game last year pushing a stroller, which would've been fine if his wife was with him and it was a family situation. No, she was playing Bunco with her friends and he had to babysit during the game. Dude.

So this video is dedicated to everyone who thinks this kind of behavior is acceptable:

P.S. I take my trash out once a month, and if Christena tells me to take it out before then, I wait an extra couple weeks.