Tis the Season...

Welcome Back.

In preparation for my favorite holiday, April Fools Day, I'm going to release another of my patented pranks to the public. In the past, access to this prank has been reserved only for subscribers to Adam's Razor Platinum® . Tis the season for pranking though, so...

The setup for this one is very simple. I only use this prank on females, but there is no reason you can't use it on a dude. Just reverse the gender of the pronouns I use in the explaination.

First, untie your shoe as you get into the passenger seat of a car driven by you significant other or her sister. It is important that your victim be driving. If she says she wants you to drive, claim you have a headache or something.

Next wait patiently as you ride around town looking for a male jogger. Preferably, a severely out of shape jogger, but any jogger will do.

Once you spot the jogger, wait until you get within 50 yards of him. Mumble something like, "I hate these shoes, they always come untied". As you say this, you bend over to tie the shoe. With your head between your knees, creating the illusion that your victim is in the car alone, quickly reach over to the steering wheel and beep the horn. The jogger, will look up, see your victim driving a car by herself and clearly flirting with him.

Enjoy the look of mortification on your victim's face as she slowly realizes that she has unwittingly flirted with a stranger.

The first time I tried this prank, it was on Cindy. Not only was she successfully embarrassed, but she's actually seen the man jogging many times since then. He always smiles, waves, asks her to dinner, &c.

There is the slight possibility that things can go horrible wrong. The 1st time I tried this on Christena, she was so shocked that she snatched the wheel hard and to the left. Thus creating the appearance that she was not flirting with the man, but that she was trying to run him over with her car. Of course, the sight of him diving into the roadside bushes provided an additional level of satisfaction over and above just the embarrassment I was hoping for.

Enjoy, and don't be afraid to try this on one of your buddies if you guys ride past a fat chick...

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In tribute to my April Fools Day Joke from last year, I've decided to reprint it for you here. Many of you might not have been Slicers at that time, and the thought that you may have missed it, is more than I can bear. It's one of the funniest things I've ever written, which puts it high in the running for funniest things ever written by anyone.
Enjoy:

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Tonight is the Big Night

Well, tonight is the big night! Christena Brown's patience and perseverance is finally paying off. After a courtship period that has exceeded 6 months, I'm prepared to take the plunge.

Now, I do not believe in reincarnation, but if I did, I would be wildly curious as to what amazingly good deeds Christena performed in a previous life that qualified her to be my special lady in this one. One can only assume that her feats must've been truly Mother Teresian. How else could you explain fate snatching a young lady from the redneck jaws of Dale County and delivering her to a life of luxury and hilarity with Dothan's Most Eligible bachelor.

There comes a time in every relationship where the participants must contemplate the future. I'm proud to say that I have not only completed my contemplation, but that I've opted for commitment. I've made all of the necessary preparations and am genuinely excited about the implications of tonight's inevitable conclusion.

In typical Adam Thomas fashion, I've planned the evening meticulously, so everything will be absolutely perfect. No expense will be spared and no detail has been left to chance. Here is how tonight's festivities will unfold:

I. To set the mood, we will begin with a romantic candlelit dinner at one of the finest restaurants in town.

II. At an appropriate time, I'll make my pitch. I've rehearsed it in my mind over one thousand times. Practicing every syllable of every word and every dramatic pause for effect, in order that my delivery will be flawless (like our love for each other). It is unfortunate that my readers will not be able to hear the actual delivery of this masterpiece, but for your pleasure and enjoyment, I've re-created it for you here:

Chistena, I never want you to doubt my love for you, and my commitment to you. We have been together for some wonderful times. I know you've grown weary of waiting on me at times, but I want you to know that tonight I'm ready to make a commitment. As a symbol of that commitment, I propose that we finally take the plunge and put both of our cellphones on one plan. As joint subscribers to Verizon's "Nationwide Family SharePlan®" we will be able to enjoy "Unlimited**Talk & Text*" for only $149.99 per month. Also, because the knuckleheads at the local Verizon store don't realize that I no longer work for Wachovia Securities, we will qualify for an additional 25% off. Because you seem to be a little bit more disciplined about paying your bills, I think it would be best if we set it up to automatically draft our monthly payment from your checking account. I believe that everything in a relationship should be split 50/50. Since $149.99 divided by 2 is: $74.995, I want you to know that I promise to give you $74.99 one month and $75.00 the following month. So over the course of the year, it will have the desired effect of us having split the bill exactly 50/50. In the terms and conditions of the Verizon Contract, I noticed that there might be some additional "Taxes, Governmental Surcharges & Fees". If you will provide me a detailed explanation of exactly what this entails, I will remit my half to you.
I love you,
Adam

III. Assuming that she accepts, and we are able to conclude our meal before 9:30p.m. CST, we will then proceed to the local Verizon store located at 3210 Ross Clark Circle, Dothan, AL 36301. Well-wishers are invited to await our exit from the facility and shower us with rice or the more environmentally-friendly birdseed as we head outside. See Ya