Fun with Headlines, Vol I

First attempt at a Slicer participation post.

The crash and burn potential for this particular post is quite high. The concept is to post a screenshot of the Drudge Report and make jokes about the headlines. Unfortunately, the screen shot isn't particularly clear so the probability that this becomes a jumbled mess is north of 90%.

Here is our screenshot. For clarity I've reproduced and numbered the headlines (below).

1. Zuckerman: The American Dream has become a Nightmare... I feel like Rip Van Winkle. Wake me up in 2012.
2. Buffett: We're still in a Recession... They don't call him the "Sage of Omaha" for nothing.
3. "Toilet Paper Bandit" faces jail time... Six months of 1 ply oughta do the trick.
4. Man arrested for scuffle -- with pet parrot... The victims testimony should be interesting, and repetitive.
5. US walks out on Ahmedinejad speech... That'll teach him!
6. UPDATE: China-Pakistan reactor deal to open fresh US rift... Really? A rift between the US and China (Pakistan)? How could this happen?
7. ... Appearance causes mixed feelings. No idea what this is about.
8. Spitzer: Cuomo "Dirtiest", "Nastiest" of Politicians... Dirtier and Nastier than cheating on your wife with a prostitute? That is bad.
9. Cuomo Enters Mudslinging Fest with New Attack Ad... What do you expect from the a fellow Dirtier and Nastier than Spitzer?
10. "Mom's Gone Crazy" 4 Killed in Seattle Shooting... Soccer practice rained out, long line at Starbucks...
11. Beijing faces worsening traffic gridlock... Rickshaws on the right of way.
12. JUDGE FORBIDS WOMAN FROM EVER OWNING HORSES AFTER ABUSE... What about a smart-mouthed parrot?
13. Busted by YOUTUBE: Florida mother caught cheering on daughter in teen brawl... (video and salty language here) Get her Sara! Get her Sara! Uh, Sara, can you come get me out of jail?
14. One percent of UK people openly Gay or Lesbian... 1%? From the nation that brought us George Michael and Boy George? At least 9% of UK people are in a well decorated closet.
15. Nudists, swingers at war in France... Cheap airfare to France can be found here.
16. PAPER: QUEEN TRIED TO USE STATE POVERTY FUND TO HEAT BUCKINGHAM PALACE... Meanwhile, in Sherwood Forest...
17. 'Cedes control of finances' to Govt... Our Elderly did that 70+ years ago...
18. Nasal Spray 'to cure shyness'... I thought that was called Cocaine?
19. ANOTHER JUMPS: AXELROD OUT Axelrod Out, Combovers In
20. Bill Ayers denied emeritus status... And the holocaust...

I know you can do better than that. Click "comments" directly below and add your improvement (which shouldn't be hard). Remember to use a number so we'll know which headline you've ridiculed.

Best comment wins a free item from the giftshop.