Tonight is the Big Night

From misc.

The Thomas-Browns'




Well, tonight is the big night! Christena Brown's patience and perseverance is finally paying off. After a courtship period that has exceeded 6 months, I'm prepared to take the plunge.

Now, I do not believe in reincarnation, but if I did, I would be wildly curious as to what amazingly good deeds Christena performed in a previous life that qualified her to be my special lady in this one. One can only assume that her feats must've been truly Mother Teresian. How else could you explain fate snatching a young lady from the redneck jaws of Dale County and delivering her to a life of luxury and hilarity with Dothan's Most Eligible bachelor.

There comes a time in every relationship where the participants must contemplate the future. I'm proud to say that I have not only completed my contemplation, but that I've opted for commitment. I've made all of the necessary preparations and am genuinely excited about the implications of tonight's inevitable conclusion.

In typical Adam Thomas fashion, I've planned the evening meticulously, so everything will be absolutely perfect. No expense will be spared and no detail has been left to chance. Here is how tonight's festivities will unfold:

I. To set the mood, we will begin with a romantic candlelit dinner at one of the finest restaurants in town.

II. At an appropriate time, I'll make my pitch. I've rehearsed it in my mind over one thousand times. Practicing every syllable of every word and every dramatic pause for effect, in order that my delivery will be flawless (like our love for each other). It is unfortunate that my readers will not be able to hear the actual delivery of this masterpiece, but for your pleasure and enjoyment, I've re-created it for you here:

Chistena, I never want you to doubt my love for you, and my commitment to you. We have been together for some wonderful times. I know you've grown weary of waiting on me at times, but I want you to know that tonight I'm ready to make a commitment. As a symbol of that commitment, I propose that we finally take the plunge and put both of our cellphones on one plan. As joint subscribers to Verizon's "Nationwide Family SharePlan®" we will be able to enjoy "Unlimited**Talk & Text*" for only $149.99 per month. Also, because the knuckleheads at the local Verizon store don't realize that I no longer work for Wachovia Securities, we will qualify for an additional 25% off. Because you seem to be a little bit more disciplined about paying your bills, I think it would be best if we set it up to automatically draft our monthly payment from your checking account. I believe that everything in a relationship should be split 50/50. Since $149.99 divided by 2 is: $74.995, I want you to know that I promise to give you $74.99 one month and $75.00 the following month. So over the course of the year, it will have the desired effect of us having split the bill exactly 50/50. In the terms and conditions of the Verizon Contract, I noticed that there might be some additional "Taxes, Governmental Surcharges & Fees". If you will provide me a detailed explanation of exactly what this entails, I will remit my half to you. I love you, Adam

III. Assuming that she accepts, and we are able to conclude our meal before 9:30p.m. CST, we will then proceed to the local Verizon store located at 3210 Ross Clark Circle, Dothan, AL 36301. Well-wishers are invited to await our exit from the facility and shower us with rice or the more environmentally-friendly birdseed as we head outside.


WISH ME LUCK!