Once again, I'm sorry for the infrequency of my blogging lately. You may recall from my last post that I cryptically mentioned "other projects" that I'd been working on. It feels good to finally be able to come clean on what I've been up to.
It also felt good for my unique satirical talent to finally be recognized on a national level. I recently was contacted by "The Whitest Kids You Know", a comedy troupe based out of NYC. They needed help with a political piece they were working on and felt that my "variety of satire and cynicism" could really put the sketch over the top. My delusions of grandeur quickly faded when I realized that they didn't want me to be on screen, but just needed someone to help write a couple jokes.
On the whole, I'm happy with the way the project turned out, and I appreciate the opportunity that I had to work with Trevor Moore and Sam Brown. The video is embedded below for you to enjoy. I'm sorry for the 20 second intro you have to watch before seeing the actual sketch, but they are using this piece to promote their upcoming season...
I had a couple blog ideas over the weekend that I'm not going to have time to complete. As a result, I'm just going to bullet point out some thoughts. To the extent that you are not entertained or amused, just be glad I didn't have time to do the job right.
On Al Gore: If he'd been the Vice President of Pangea, he would've made a bad movie about stopping Plate Tectonics. "An Inconvenient Continental Drift"
On The US getting knocked out of the World Cup by Ghana for the 2nd consecutive time: Ok Ghana, you win again. Wanna go double or nothing on women's tennis, basketball, hockey, golf, swimming, car racing, wars, or oil spills? Didn't think so. See you at the Olympics.
On the "bombshell" Russian spy: It seems all people can talk about is how "hot" this so-called spy is(photos here). Really? Have you ever seen a James Bond movie? As far as spies go, I'll give her about a 6. Heck, I had a better looking spy assigned to me, and I'm just a blogger.
To those of you who have been frantically refreshing the Razor in search of new material. I'm sorry. I took a day off from blogging to work on some other projects. A couple items before we get started.
I've added some links at the top of the page for you to enjoy. Please do not be alarmed that the Merch Store no longer appears on the homepage. Just click on "Adam's Razor Swag Shop" above and you'll have access to the complete line of Razor merchandise. You'll also notice the links entitled "New to The Razor? Click Here" and "Friends of the Razor". Even you long term Slicers might want to check those babies out.
EDIT: If you found it difficult to read the "New to the Razor" page, I think I've got it fixed. No idea why Blogger published some of the words in yellow. Sorry...
EAT MOR CHIKIN
In response to this News Article, I have a couple thoughts. It seems that Dothan City Commissioner Taylor Barbaree is concerned about the traffic congestion being caused on Ross Clark Circle by Chick-fil-a. Specifically, Commissioner Barbaree said, “I think the entrepreneur should hire off-duty police officers to direct traffic when it gets bad on the Circle.” As an alternative he proposed that "the city send a letter to the Alabama Department of Transportation to encourage them to make changes to the entrance."
First of all, if the City Commissioners had been paying attention, they would've no doubt been aware that Chick-fil-A announced their new "Spicy Chicken Sandwich" several weeks before it was made available in stores. This announcement was made as a courtesy to chicken consumers and city commissioner's nationwide so we could all be prepared for this fiery feast. If Mr. Barbaree thinks it's bad in Dothan, he should see the Atlanta branch. Customers are seen lining up outside the store, holding 32 ounce bottles of water, waiting for Chick-fil-A to change from breakfast to the lunch menu.
The fact that the City of Dothan squandered this lead-time should not be an indictment of the "entrepreneur" but of the commission itself. When a well respected establishment like Chick-Fil-A offers a new Chick-fil-A® Spicy Chicken Sandwich that is hand-breaded, seasoned with a fiery blend of several peppers, pressure-cooked in 100 percent refined peanut oil and served on a toasted buttered bun with dill pickle chips, what did you think was going to happen? Couple that with the fact that The Spicy Chicken Sandwich starts at $2.99 and is also offered in a “deluxe” version that includes lettuce, tomato and Pepper Jack cheese for $3.59 and you get a "recipe" for a traffic situation.
My advice for Mr. Barbaree? If you're that hungry, get there early like the rest of us. Beyond that, wait a couple months for the fervor to die down. In the meantime, I suggest that you guys focus on the important things like raising the sales tax again or resurfacing US HWY 231 S during the height of summer beach traffic.
On 2nd thought, maybe it's better if you focus on fast food.
Quick backstory. My parents and brother live in Oxford, AL, about 4 hours north of my home in Dothan. For Father's Day/my Dad's birthday, the family decided to meet in Auburn (roughly in the middle) and go to a water park.
I rode with my sister, her husband, and their 2 daughters, and we met my Mom, Dad, and brother. The park has a wave pool, lazy river, and 6 water slides.
As we approached the water slides, and started to climb the stairs, my Dad decided that rather than slide, he'd use his waterproof video camera to document the rest of us going down.
Those of you who read my post last week, are not surprised to learn that he'd rather use electronic equipment than shoot down a 300 foot slide into a pool of strangers' urine. We did eventually get him on the slide by telling him they were giving out coupons for Best Buy to the days fastest racers.
So the whole family had a good time, and luckily we have most of the day documented with video and photographs. Is there a better way to document a family outing then making a commemorative T-Shirt? Especially, when you are as talented at graphic design as my father is.
Which (finally) brings me to my point. My Mom called me last night in a panic. It seems that Dad has spent the last two days trying to figure out how to put this video on a T-shirt:
If you are aware of any technology that will allow him to complete this project, our family would appreciate the help. Apparently Dad hasn't slept much, can't eat anything, and has been moping around the house muttering under his breath about electro-luminescence cloth...
No, that is not a model in the picture at the top of this post. That is my Mom. Yes, that is my sister in the video.
One housekeeping item. I've decided to give up the whole Majestic Plural thing discussed here. While it seemed like a good idea at the time, it's outrageously cumbersome. I didn't make it far enough in school to know how to distinguish between "we" meaning "just me", and "we" meaning "a group of people including me". Sorry for the confusion and/or disruption that this may have caused to your Razor experience.
Ever been at the beach and noticed someone glazing their body in baby oil to enhance the effects of the suns' rays? We are pleased to announce that on the Gulf Coast, this step is no longer required. The oil is included as part of the experience. Just dive right in.
While backpacking across the southeast Asian island of Borneo, we marveled at the efficiency of the tribal fisherman. Catch fish, insert stick into mouth, hold over fire (wienie roast style), eat. Imagine our surprise upon arriving back in the US and finding out that the Gulf of Mexico had been converted into one big fish fry. We would've preferred peanut oil, but let's not quibble. (Note to Pennsylvanian's, we don't use vegtable oil. Down here, the peanut is king.)
With regards to the federal governments response to this disaster, what were your expectations? The federal government is good at two things: doing nothing (Katrina) and over-reacting (TARP). As far as the rig goes, the first month of this fiasco was probably handled about right. Let BP try to fix their mess. They caused it, and should have the manpower and expertise to try to correct it.
Which is not to say that Obama et. al should not be criticized. He spent a couple of years and hundreds of millions of dollars begging to lead the most inefficient organization in the history of the world. Be careful what you wish for...
If it's true that he declined aid from other countries due to the Jones Act, shame on him.
If his offshore oil drilling ban causes the rigs in the Gulf to be scattered to the far corners of the earth, we'll pay for that at the pump in a couple years, but that outcome was basically built into the Democratic Party platform before the spill, and they are on record as not wanting to waste a perfectly good crisis.
As far as protecting our beaches, marches, &c. from the incoming oil, what event in the 200+ year history of our glorious nation gives evidence that the response would be effective? Did you really think that we had 1000 miles of booms just waiting to be put to use? This is not a defense of the Obama Administration, merely an observation that no matter who is President, 100,000,000+ gallons of oil makes a pretty big mess. Just as a Category 5 hurricane hitting a city below sea level is gonna cause some problems.
It is a God-given right for all Americans to be able to spew as many hydrocarbons as we want into our atmosphere. But into our oceans? No way. So what could've been done to avert this disaster? How about enforcement of existing laws? How can BP rack over 700 safety violations in less than 5 years and still have a licence to drill? In the same time period ExxonMobil had 1. So the problem lies not within our oil industry, but with BP.
Since John Browne became BP's CEO, its North American operations have experienced the industry's worst and biggest "accidents" - the Alaska pipeline leak due to failure to "pig" the line, the Texas City refinery explosion caused by a series of acts of negligence -some criminal- and now Macondo. Browne even gave up using the name "British Petroleum" and said the company's logo meant "Beyond Petroleum," swanning around about going green and diverting money from oil and gas operations to those organizations that would evoke praise from Al Gore and Greenpeace. With his words and the company's money for funding leftist causes, he became the first oil CEO to become a darling of the Left. To us, he is the oil equivalent of Barry Bonds -a disgrace to his industry and an unmitigated disaster.
This fiasco isn't on Browne's watch: his successor, Tony Hayward, has to assume responsibility—at least for what his company’s lawyers cannot ascribe to Transocean, Halliburton,&c. But he inherited a company whose risk culture was seriously flawed.
So BP stands for Beyond Petroleum? You're an oil company right? BEYOND Petroleum??? We here at the Razor have a suggestion for your marketing department. Try another re-branding initiative:
Over the past few weeks as the quality of the content here on the Razor has hit an all time high, we've had a nagging feeling that we weren't being quite pretentious enough. The merch store was a nice touch, but we are always looking to take it to the next level. It is with that in mind that we are please to announce:
The Razor is converting to the "Majestic Plural". The majestic plural (pluralis maiestatis in Latin) is the use of a plural pronoun to refer to a single person holding a high office, such as a monarch, bishop, pope, university rector, or blogger. It is also called the royal pronoun, the royal "we" or the Victorian "we".
One of our literary heroes, Mark Twain, once said, "Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'" However, he died before the advent of the Internet. It can be assumed that in modern times he would've updated his list to include bloggers. One final thought and we can move on. United States Navy Admiral Hyman G. Rickover told a subordinate who used the royal we: "Three groups are permitted that usage: pregnant women, royalty, and schizophrenics. Which one are you?" He too, is dead. So we'll continue.
Please bear with us over the next few weeks as we convert our writing style from "I", "me", etc. to "we", "us", etc. We can usually count on Cindy to do our proof-reading, but lately she has been too busy failing micro-biology to complete her editing duties.
One last note. A big "Thank You" to everyone who decided to honor their father by taking advantage of The Adam's Razor Father's Day Special 2010. For those who invested in the Gold Package, we promise to e-viscerate your dad on his special day. Please complete the questionaires and submit photos at least 2 weeks before his birthday. We can't spit these things out overnight.
Couple weeks ago I was screwing around on Craigs list and saw someone listing a free horse. I headed over to gmail, created a dummy address and fired off an email. Then I promptly forgot all about it. Remembered late last week, checked my email and received a hilarious response.
Reproduced for you here:
From Me:
Hey, that horse looks beautiful. Is she still available?
Hope to hear from you soon,
Adam Thomas President Thomas Glue Factory
Response:
HE** NO!
I actually think his response was funnier than my inquiry...
Stevie Davis, my brother-in-law, turns 34 today. My sister was so delighted with the e-beatdown I put on my Dad, that she decided to buy one for Stevie. I'm sure he'll be delighted to learn that he is the proud recipient of the Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Gold Package (at least until he gets his bank statement). In hindsight I wish I would've designed the Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Polo Shirt in navy blue, because that is the only color he'll wear.
I want to apologize in advance for some of the math jokes contained in this blog. I know math isn't funny, but Steve is a math nerd. And while he might be the only slicer that gets them, it's his birthday...
Thankfully, I don't have very many pictures of Stevie on my computer, but I was able to find Stevie's 11th grade year book photo:
To say that Stevie is kinda nerdy, is like saying Tiger Woods is kinda good with women. As proof I offer these examples:
1. One time I asked him, "If we could drill a hole straight through the center of the earth, how long would it take an object to fall through it and come out the other side?" 5 minutes later he says, "41 minutes and 36 seconds in a vacuum, a lot longer with air resistance" I looked it up. He was right...
3. When his daughter Abby Grace asked if Santa Claus was real, he responded, "Only if you multiply him by i. What kind of a father would say something like that?
(DISCLAIMER: I realize this joke is kind of clumsy, but math jokes aren't exactly my specialty. However, I spent so much time researching the joke, that I felt compelled to include it. Said research gave me a headache. If you want to learn more about real vs. imaginary numbers, you are a sicko, but click here. The highlight of the linked article? "Misuse of the imaginary unit can lead to difficulties". No doubt! In the history of the imaginary unit, no one has misused it more thoroughly than me.)
Ok, no more math jokes.
Stevie's proudest moments both involve wrestling livestock. Late at night, you can often find him in front of his TV watching an old VHS tape of the 1991 National Peanut Festival Calf Scramble where he grabbed a heifer and wrestled it across the finish line victoriously. Ironically, this is the same method he used to marry my sister (guess I won't be getting paid now...). Steve's prowess with farm animals does not stop there. Several years ago we were at my uncle Bruce's house when one of his goats got out of the fence. Sensing an opportunity, Steve sprung to action. He wrangled that goat in record time! Never before or since have I met someone with such passion for goat roping.
Stevie's most embarrassing moment? A vicious case of hemorrhoids that ended with two nurses and my sister holding him down while the doctor injected the offending blood vessels before removing them with a scalpel. Yowzer! I later learned from the attending physician that Stevie had the tightest butt cheeks he'd ever seen. Stevie really enjoys talking about this situation and will no doubt be glad I discussed it on the internet. If you happen to run into him anytime soon, please don't hesitate to mention it.
CAL see you lator (had to squeeze in one more math joke),
Today is my father's birthday. While some sons would probably send him a nice gift or give him a birthday call, I've decided to use his 55th birthday as an opportunity to shamelessly promote the Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Gold Package.
For those of you who've had the pleasure of getting to know my father, you are no doubt aware of his fascination with electronic gadgets. He uses his belt, not to hold his pants up, but to carry so many devices it looks like you robbed a Circuit City (RIP). I remember a couple years ago he'd lost quite a bit of weight. I said, "Dad, you're looking good. How much weight have you lost?" His reply, "Too much. I'm not currently big enough around to accommodate all of my gadgets."
Would you like to outfit yourself in the latest high-tech fashion? In an Adam's Razor Exclusive, I'm please to announce that I am now able to finally disclose virtually everything John Thomas wears on his personage. WARNING: If you intend to fly internationally, you'll need to arrive at the airport at least three days before your scheduled departure time to make it through security.
His current arsenal of Gadgets is:
1. Iphone - clipped to belt 2. Pocket PC - clipped to belt, usually in rear. Back up device for software that isn't MAC compatible. 3. GPS Device - clipped to belt 4. 2 Terabyte External Harddrive - clipped to belt 5. NuPower Charge and Sync - clipped to belt. Battery backup with three interchangeable cables - mini-USB, micro-USB and Dock Connector - to connect to nearly any mobile device. Provides emergency power to various devices. 6. Solar powered charger - Clipped to belt 7. Garage door opener - clipped to belt 8. Set of itty-bitty screwdrivers - clipped to belt 9. Digital Camera - clipped to belt 10. and 11. Extra-Large Belt Clip Key Chain. Not to hold keys, but to hold all of his USB Jump Drives. 12. Video Glasses - Just plug them into an IPOD, DVD player, etc. Enjoy big-screen performance on the tip of your nose. 13. Various Power Cables, adaptors, etc. Worn like ammo belts Rambo style across chest/shoulder.
For less than $1600, you can outfit yourself John Thomas-style.
One thing you might not know about John:
He was the inspiration for "The Simpson's" character Ned Flanders. Ned Flanders is a devout Christian, he is amongst the most friendly and compassionate Springfield citizens and is generally considered a pillar of the Springfield community. Ned Flanders has never aged, while my father clearly has, but I'm sure you'll see the resemblance:
Just so we're clear, my dad is not wearing his glasses in the picture. The other guy is Ned.
Since I began offering sweet shirts for sale on my blog, many people have asked me. "Who designs all of your merchandise?" The answer, my Dad. When I first became aware of the demand for Razor attire, I approached my Dad about helping me out. He has a nearly unquenchable desire to make his own T-shirts. It is not uncommon to see him up late at night working with stencils, glue, the iron, etc. Check out some of these sweet babies he made for our family:
One year, the whole family was headed up to Pennsylvania for the Auchey Family Reunion (my Mom's side of the family). To avoid confusion, Dad decided we needed a T-Shirt with my Mom's name on it to help identify ourselves:
Oddly, we haven't been invited back...
The whole family went on a white-water rafting trip. What better way to commemorate it then a T-Shirt?
It was this masterpiece that won him the job designing for the Razor. I'm sorry the picture is a bit blurry, but that's all of us.
I hope that all you slicers out there have enjoyed learning about my Dad. Before I end this post, I want to send my Dad a very sincere and heartfelt message. Due to it's personal nature, I don't want random people reading it. As a result, I will write it in a language that only geeks speak, binary code.
Two posts in one day! What did you slicers do to deserve such good fortune? Not much. I'm just feeling benevolent today. Why? I'm still reveling in a glorious victory from last night. No, I'm not a Lakers fan. I defeated my ladyfriend in a match of Bananagrams. Bananagrams is like fast paced Scrabble with no board. I'm the reigning Malaysian champ, which is no small feat considering my opponent in the finals was fluent in 4 languages, and conversational in about a half dozen more obscure dialects. (Anjira, if you're reading this, keep your comments to yourself. I know "bangsa" means tribe in West Coast Bajou, but we agreed to "modified international rules" before the match started.)
So last night I challenged Christena to a match. She only agreed to play me after I committed to playing left handed. Sucker.
Here's her layout:
For comparison, here's mine:
A few notable differences stand out:
My longest word: 11 letters. Hers: 5 I used both Q,s and both Z's. Including the word "Qat" (evergreen shrub, look it up). She used both X's. Big deal, she spelled "ex" twice. First of all, I'm not even sure "Ex" is a word. I assume she was using it in the "ex-boyfriend" sense. Which is probably what I'll be if anyone reads this post to her.
If only the good people at Dale County High School had taught her some 6 letter words... That's a lot to ask considering the amount of time they spent learning to drive tractors, brush their teeth, and make rednecky lawn ornaments in the ag shop.
DISCLAIMER: While the facts listed above are mostly true, Christena is a very intelligent and highly skilled young (!) lady. The main purpose of this post is to promote my Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Gold Package. Wouldn't you like to see your father lampooned on The Razor? Sign up now before the calendar fills up. I'm only doing one father per day. Once your Dad's birthday is taken, it's over.
What do you get for the Father who has everything? Easy, a subscription to Adam's Razor. For a limited time, I'm offering "The Fathers Day Special". Details below:
-Economy Subscription- On a budget? Don't love your dad that much? No problem. Attractively priced at $29.95, the economy subscription package says "Dad, I appreciate you teaching me to be cheap, have a nice year", while barely denting your already overdrawn checking account. Your father will receive an impersonal email from me with the message:
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say, "Yeah? When?"
Of coursed his subscription will also include access to virtually* all of the content I produce throughout the year.
-Bronze Subscription- At $59.95, the Bronze package is ideal for those slicers who have a mediocre father. This middle of the road subscription includes a slightly more personal email message from me, and an official Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Coffee Mug**.
Clearly this mug contains a photo of my father. Your purchase can include a picture of your Dad. If your father is not particularly photogenic, I have several stock father photos for you to choose from.
His email will contain the greeting:
"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
-Silver Subscription- $99.95 When you care enough to send the (almost) very best. This package includes an email, the Coffee Mug**, and an official Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Polo Shirt.
Your father's email will contain the following message:
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."
-Gold Subscription***- $499.95 Would you like you father to be immortalized on The Razor? This is your chance. This package includes a highly personalized email, the Coffee Mug**, the Polo Shirt, and a blog post on his next birthday. Too good to be true? Hardly. You read it right. On your father's next birthday, he will be greeted with a heavy dose of e-lambasting right here on the Razor. Never before have I sold access to my sarcastic genius, but if you love your father enough, I'll hit him with the most linguistically creative e-roasting in my arsenal.
** If your father is a worthless drunk, you can substitute an official Adam's Razor Father's Day 2010 Whisky Flask in lieu of the coffee mug. Picture not currently available...
*** Financing is available for the Gold Package. Two easy monthly payments of $150.00 followed by a slightly more difficult payment of 199.95
I know I promised not to ridicule Al Gore (here), but it is becoming exceedingly difficult to refrain. Today we find out that the Gores' 40-year marriage ends not because they "grew apart", but because he was having an affair with Laurie David. Read about it here: link
For background, Laurie David is a rabid environmentalist and the ex-wife of Larry David. She helped produce Al Gore's movie. Larry David is the comedic genius who brought us "Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusaism".
Let's get the unpleasantries out of the way first. The cast of this love quadrangle:
If you read through the article I've linked above, you'll no doubt be stunned by this quote: “Al and Laurie went from friends to lovers," an insider tells Star. "It couldn’t be avoided."
Sleeping with Al Gore couldn't be avoided? Really? If only she'd met him when he had his horrendous beard.
On second thought, was the beard any worse than this?
It should be noted that Mrs. David has denied the rumors. Then again, who besides Tipper would admit to sleeping with that beast.
I know Mrs. David is an advocate of buying "Carbon Offsets" to counteract her energy use. I wonder if there is anywhere she could purchase some "Disgusting Offsets"?
Regular readers of The Razor are no doubt aware that I have expended considerable energy lately lampooning the State of South Carolina (you can read my recent comments on S. Carolina here and here). In an ironic twist, I nearly found myself traveling there this weekend.
My ladyfriend has some family business to attend to, and asked me to come along. In an ordinary year, I'd be delighted to visit such a lovely state. This isn't an ordinary year. This is an election year. And in S. Carolina, you know what that means: sexual deviants line up to compete for the states highest office, "The Luv Gov".
For those unfamiliar with S. Carolina's sordid political past, I'll re-cap. Gov. Mark Sanford got caught last year "hiking the Appalachian trail" with his Argentinian girlfriend. His wife was not pleased. Luv Gov. Sanford is term-limited this year, he can't run again. The women of South America are distraught, but many suitors have lined up to take his place. Distinguishing herself from the pack of would-be Playgovs, Nikki Haley. Mrs. Haley, buoyed by two sex scandals of her own, just finished first place in the Republican Primary.
Which brings me to my point. In a primary election, to win, you must collect 50.1% of the vote. With four candidates in the recent primary, Mrs. Haley fell 5226 votes short of the needed plurality. As a result, a run-off election has been scheduled for June 22nd. So Mrs. Haley has less than 2 weeks left to round up the 5000+ votes she needs to secure the republican nomination. What method of "politicking" do you think she'll use? I'll give you three guesses.
Combine the pace at which Mrs. Haley's is going to have to "campaign" and her known penchant for bloggers, and I just don't feel comfortable spending the weekend anywhere near S. Carolina. I fear she may love me up so fast I won't even be able to show her my State of Alabama Voter Registration Card.
Fortunately, Christena and I were able to "reach across the aisle" and come up with a compromise. I'll travel with her to the border between Georgia and S. Carolina and spend the weekend in Statesboro, Ga. Should be fun. At the present time, there are no plans to document the weekend with slideshows or youtube videos. Readers caught celebrating will be punished.
Do you mind one more South Carolinian political tidbit? The curious case of Alvin Greene (click the link, it's worth it). He just won the Democratic nomination for U.S. Senate. He did so with no campaign headquarters, no party support, no contributions, no job, no computer and no cell phone. He got 58% of the vote with no political infrastructure at all! Amazing.
He's also facing a felony charge. He is accused of showing pornographic images to a college student last October. I don't want to be cynical, but is that a crime? In South Carolina, showing pornography to a registered voter is called campaigning.
So much has been written about Afghanistan over the past 10 years that I hesitate to even mention it on the Razor, but events have compelled me to. In fact, the war has lasted so long that most Americans regard all news broadcasts with apathy. I'm as frustrated with the situation as anybody else, but today my blood is absolutely boiling.
Allow me some back story (please). Prior to the September 11th attacks, the Taliban had ruled Afghanistan for about a decade. The crimes they committed against the Afghani people are hideous and nearly unspeakable. For detailed accounts of the torture and inhumanity of their acts, you should read The Kite Runner. It is easily the most emotionally impacting book that I've ever read. It would've been nice if we'd sent the entire force of the US military to defeat them in the 1990's. The cause of liberating the Afghan people would've been justification enough. Unfortunately for the Afghani's (and the victims of the 9/11 attacks), we had to see our own people die before we were willing to commit the resources to solve the problem. I'm not making an indictment of our pre-9/11 leadership, merely observing that if we would've fought the war then, the Afghani's would've been spared several years of cruelty and we would still have the World Trade Center.
But history is history and it took the 9/11 attacks to provide the catalyst for us to declare war on the Taliban. We chose (correctly in my opinion) to fight the initial phase of the war with a very small number of US soldiers. We sent in Special Ops guys and CIA agents to fight alongside the Northern Alliance and other Anti-Taliban groups. This allowed us to begin the war in a much quicker time-frame than using 250,000+ US troops.
I would like you to take just a few moments to consider the war from the prospective of the average Afghani.
After surviving for years under Taliban rule, they had learned how to cope. It is almost impossible for our American minds to comprehend, but the average Afghani has a completely different expectation as to what a government is supposed to provide to its populace. In America we expect water, sewer, garbage collection, police protection, retirement benefits, healthcare, etc. In Afghanistan few of these services were even imaginable. For an Afghani, best to stay off the radar, don't raise government suspicion or you'll get to watch a gang of Taliban thugs rape you wife and torture your kids before they shoot you in the head.
So the United States shows up and offers a deal. Help us overthrow the Taliban and we'll help you build a democracy. We'll bring you freedom. We'll stop the oppression. Imagine once again that you're an Afghani. You know what will happen if the US fails. Everyone who opposed the Taliban will be killed, raped, tortured, etc. Even facing these potential consequences, many of them helped us. They helped us not because they were pissed about the WTC crumbling to the ground, but because we offered a brighter future for them and their families.
Nearly 9 years later the Taliban is no longer a threat to America. We can rest easy at night knowing that their organization is no longer capable of harming us. They can no longer offer a safe haven to Al Queda. I'm not saying that the War on Terror is over, only that if Al Queda wants to train fighters for an attack on the US, they better do it in Pakistan, Yemen, etc. Nearly 9 years later the Taliban is still a threat to the Afghans. Our responsibility to the Afghan people has not been fulfilled. If we fail, the people who helped us will be killed, and within a few years the terror networks will be rebuilt. Our safety will again be compromised.
Obviously the problems in Afghanistan are many. Mistakes have been made, by us and by them. The ultimate solution lies outside of the scope of this blog. I don't have any more answers than anyone else. What I do know is that we can not abandon them. Our enemy is not defeated. Our stated goals and objectives are not met yet. Our promises are not fulfilled. The morality, politics, and principles of being America require that we be there.
The bolded section of the previous paragraph is not my words. They are words of one of my heroes, Amrullah Saleh. During 2001/02 Saleh fought alongside CIA operatives to help us defeat the Taliban. Once the war was won and a new government was formed, Saleh became the head of Afghanistan’s intelligence agency, known as the National Directorate of Security. Since then, he has worked alongside Hamid Karzai, the Afghani president, trying to stabilize the nation. I think he represents are best chance for peace in Afghanistan. He understands the nature of the terrorists. He has a vision for the future of his country. He did not fight with us because of the 9/11 attacks. He was fighting for his people. Osama bin Laden can not engender a vision for this world or for this country. Mullah Omar is the same.
I first learned about Amrullah Saleh through a 60 minutes broadcast that I've linked below. I was more impressed by him than anyone I've ever seen on TV. In fact, I was so moved by his story that I wanted to ensure that I never forgot about him. To that end, I sewed his name into the wristband that I never take off. This is the famous "Cambio" wristband that you can read about here. It was act of sewing his name into the original band that caused it to break. Luckily, I had many backups. I resewed his name, and have worn it with pride ever since. One side says Cambio (for Cuba), and one side says Saleh. Here is a photo:
You might consider it weird, but that's ok. I've thought of him and his fight everyday. He has a wife and young children. Everyday for (at least) 6 years, people have tried to kill him.
Today he was fired.
Why? It's complicated, but assuming you've read this far, I'll try to explain. Last year when Barack Obama committed to sending more troops to Afghanistan, he did so with a time table. He committed to drawing down our troops from Afghanistan beginning next summer, 2011. This is a tremendous mistake. Why put a time table at all? We've been in S. Korea for 60+ years. We've had troops all over the world for a very long time. Why not announce that we'll be in Afghanistan (and Iraq, but that's a different war) for all eternity? Why not convince the wonderful people of Afghanistan that we'll be there until they don't need us any longer? Why not convince our enemy that we'll be there until they are converted or dead?
When we placed the time table, we forced Hamid Karzai's hand. Hamid Karzai is not a bad guy. He's made some mistakes, but so has everyone. He is trying to hold together a government under the worst of circumstances. And he's now in a very bad position. He's having to distance himself from the US. His enemies consider him a US puppet, and believe that all they've got to do is wait till the puppet master goes home (next summer). So, between now and then he's gotta convince them he's not a puppet. So we lose our best man in the Afghan government. Sucks. Karzai has now begun negotiating with the remaining Taliban fighters. And not from a position of strength, but from a position of weakness. The Taliban knows they can just wait us out. Amrullah Saleh has a great relationship with the US and our allies, and he has been fighting this (the negotiating with terrorists) tooth and nail.
Here is a quote describing part of the disagreement between Saleh and Karzai: “The president issued a decree to start looking at the release (from prison) of some Taliban, and I’m sure Amrullah Saleh would not see eye to eye on this and he indicated that it would not be good for security.”
So I'm not necessarily upset with Karzai for firing him, but I'm disgusted with the situation.
What will the future bring for Saleh? Don't know. Everyday since I've been aware of him, I expected to read that he'd been blown up. Now that he's not an official member of government, I wonder how he'll protect himself and his family. He's killed lots of al-Queda... There's an Afghan election in 3 months, wonder if he'll run? Hope so. We need him bad. Could he tour the US and Europe building support for Afghanistan? He'd be great at it. I doubt he'd do it. He once said, I'm a warrior, I don't "meet the press".
If Karzai continues to move his government away from the US, how long will it be until we no longer share common goals? If we pull out of Afghanistan, are we willing to sit back and watch 2,000,000 people die at the hands of the Taliban? People who helped us when we needed them, based on our promise of hope.
What can we do? Don't know. I wrote this. Seems kinda pointless since so few people even read my blog.
What can you do? Don't know. It just seems reprehensible to sit back and watch.
Amrullah Saleh is just one of many people who took the deal. He helped us defeat the Taliban. Helped us destroy the Al-Queda network in Afghanistan. Now we seem poised to squander it.
Here are 60 minute videos I promised. I hope if you watch them, they'll impact you like they did me. I hope you won't miss an opportunity to tell people why we must stay in Afghanistan.
Do you mind a quick update on a story I did last week? Linked here: Nikki Haley
To summarize last weeks news, blogger Will Folks announced that he had an "inappropriate physical relationship" with Mrs. Haley who is running for governor of South Carolina. I was concerned that this might set a dangerous precedent regarding political-candidate/blogger activities. I even contemplated shutting The Razor down to avoid the potential sexual advances of our local politicians.
I have good news gentle readers. As it turns out, Mrs. Haley's liaison with Mr. Folks was not related to his blogging activities. As a matter of fact, it seems that Mrs. Haley wasn't interested in sex with bloggers at all. Rather, her primary motive seems to be winning the election by having sex with most of the registered voters in the State of South Carolina.
That's right. She's at it again. "Larry Merchant, a lobbyist and former campaign worker for Haley's opponent in the state's Republican primary said Wednesday he had a one-night stand with her in 2008, at a conference in Salt Lake City". You can read more of the story here.
Three down (I'm presuming we can count her husband), many more South Carolians to go. In related news, the housing market in South Carolina has experienced a bit of a rebound as desperate males rush to get in before the polls close.
In should be noted that Mrs. Haley has denied all of the allegations. If you would like to read a recent National Review article that is favorable to her, it is located here. In 9 out of 10 elections I'll support NR's candidate. In this case, I'm especially hopeful. It's nice not having to wake up in the morning and say, "What am I gonna blog today?". With Haley as Governor, these things will practically write themselves.
While reading the article linked above, I noticed that Mrs. Haley is the "first Indian-American GOP state legislator in the country". I've looked at many photos of Mrs. Haley in an attempt to determine if she is and Indian (red dot on forehead, smells like curry) or an Indian (feathered headdress). I can't tell. I kinda miss the old days when Native Americans were referred to as Savages and Indians ran hotels not for office...
EDIT: Forgot to embed this video in the original post. If she's not Governor material, I don't know who is! Just glad I'm not married to her (for more reasons than one...).
I know you've been frantically refreshing The Razor, anxiously awaiting my blistering sarcasm with regards to today's news concerning Al and Tipper Gore and their impending divorce.
For the 1st time since the Razor's inception, I'm gonna have to disappoint you.
Making fun of Al Gore is just too easy, and I don't want to waste good jokes on a buffoon.
I do offer congratulations to Tipper.
Please accept my sincere apology. I will make it up to you soon.
