Anti-Social Networks

Slicers, I have some very important news to share with you. I have been asked to take part in the "Digital Life Sacrifice" organized by Alicia Keys to raise money for her charity, Keep a Child Alive. The premise is that we plan to sign off (Die in a Digital Manner) of all social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter on Wednesday, which is World AIDS Day. We participants will not sign back on until the charity raises $1 million for AIDS research.

In addition to the Razor, other participants in this farce include Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Jennifer Hudson, Ryan Seacrest, Kim Kardashian, Elijah Wood, and Serena Williams. So tomorrow when there is an empty void in your soul that can only be filled by short text messages (or mindless Facebook posts) from famous people, remember to head over to "Keep a Child Alive" and donate some money. It is my personal hope and prayer that the initiative stalls at $999,999.99. Thus raising the maximum amount of money for this worthy cause while still ensuring that we never have to read messages like this gem from Lady Gaga:


@ladygaga: It is a promising morning when your eyelash falls in your Folgers.

Don't you hate when that happens?

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Discerning Slicers might notice that I am only partially committed to the project as I do not have a Facebook Page, and must needs only remain silent on the Razor and Twitter. You are to be saluted for your attention to detail, but there is a perfectly good reason I don't have Facebook.

Facebook is run by communist control freaks with little to no sense of humor.

Many of you may have used MySpace before you migrated to Facebook. If so, this picture will look familiar to you:

That's Tom. Everyone's first Myspace friend. When joining Myspace, all users are automatically listed as Tom's friend. Too lazy to look up his current count, but at one time he had a couple hundred million friends.

Back to my story of Facebook being run by commies, I noticed that there was a mass exodus from Myspace and everyone was landing at Facebook. Sensing an opportunity for hilarity, I used Tom's photo and set up a Facebook page for the Myspace guy. After researching his birthdate, hometown, &c. I was ready to go. I tweeted my own wall and the walls of others every 15 minutes for three days. Examples of my wall posts:

• Facebook sux. I have 300,000,000 friends at Myspace and here I only have 12.
• Man, Facebook sux. I can't even embed music on my wall. How am I supposed to express my individuality?
• The girls over at Myspace post way skankier photos. Facebook is for losers.

After a couple days of antics, Stalin (or whichever commie is running Facebook) shut down my account and sent me a nasty e-mail. Apparently, it is a violation of their Terms of Service to open an account in someone else's name, speak truth to power, or have any fun at all. So I'm done with Facebook...

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See ya, but not until we raise 1,000,000.