The 100th Razor Post

EDITORS NOTE: With very little prodding I convinced Adam to use his centennial blog post to go back in the Razor catalog and reminisce (not so) briefly about some of the memorable moments he enlightened us with over the past 7+ months. I hope you enjoy.

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As the Sun crested the horizon on March 3rd, 2010 a new day, and a new blog, was born. It was a beautiful Spring morning, nature in Alabama was emerging from a long and cold Winter, forests were shaking off their dormant slumber and beginning to bloom, freshly plowed fields foreshadowed the abundant crop to come, the air was thick with the smell of rebirth, and Adam's mind, sharpened by years of cynicism, was ripe for the blogging.

The original post, entitled "The Wristband", while humble in its goals, hinted briefly at the glory to come. As Adam's technological skills and satirical wit were honed over that first month of blogging, the reader began to see shades of the hilarity that could be attained when a tremendous depth of knowledge is combined with an insatiable lust for attention and loosed upon cyberspace without benefit of good judgement.

Join us now, as we allow Adam to narrate us through a brief walk down memory lane...

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First, I would like to thank all of my faithful Slicers, without you, this blog would be pretty much exactly as it is now, just with less readers. The Razor has given me a venue to entertain myself (and hopefully you), document my life and thoughts, &c. It is not an exaggeration to say that I am easily the biggest fan of the Razor.

The Early Posts:


March 2010 was quite literally spent trying to learn how to use Blogger and the other software that I would need to document my trip to Borneo. Learning to narrate slideshows was painfully tedious initially, but by mid-April I was able to generate one pretty quick, allowing my friends and family to share in my experiences abroad.

There is one post from March that needs a little explaining. It is linked here, but it's entire content is reproduced here:

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

For Balance
For sale: baby shoes, never used.
Posted by Adam at 10:05 AM

The previous day I had posted the stories and photos of a fishing trip to the Bahamas (here) and at that time it was easily the longest post I'd ever created. Too long in fact. (As an aside, I get more complaints about the lengths of my posts than any other criticism. I hear you, but don't seem to be able to do much about it.) So "For Balance" I posted the shortest novel ever written. It is by Ernest Hemingway and you can read more about it here. It was intended as a joke, funny only to me.

April 1st brought perhaps my funniest post to date (peaked early!) the faux proposal (which can be found here). The rest of April was consumed by the trip to Borneo. Until today, I had not gone back and read any of those posts or watched any of the videos. I found this video hysterical. While watching this video, keep in mind that I was extremely jet lagged, having slept only a few hours over the course of several days...



Like I said, until today I had not gone back and read any of the Borneo files. Upon review, some of them are actually kind of interesting. I'll repost one more Borneo video. Here's the back story: I was hungry and walked into KFC to buy chicken nuggets and a Coke. As I exited the restaurant, the Muslim call to prayer began. For as long as I live, I'll never forget how surreal it was to be eating US style chicken and drinking Coca-Cola, in the Kingdom of Brunei, while thousands of Muslims streamed past me, heading for prayer time at the Mosque, the haunting voice further enhancing the experience. Strange, strange feeling.

So I conceived of this video and asked my Dad to film me. Here is what was supposed to happen: 1. Eat Chicken, 2. Drink Coke, 3. Quote, "It's call to prayer time in Brunei, I had to make a call for the Colonel (pronounced kernel for those of you in Dale County)."

Unfortunately, this particular box of chicken was pretty stubborn. Initially, I couldn't shake a piece out and when it finally came out it took significant acrobatics to get it in my mouth. I then panicked, and botched the "call to prayer" portion of my quote. Making matters worse, my Dad didn't know the video was supposed to be over. Realizing I completely botched it, I just wanted him to stop filming. At the end you'll see me signal for him to kill it.

As you (re)watch this video, listen to the prayer coming from the Mosque, but more importantly, watch as I screwed up virtually every aspect of the performance.



The Razor Evolves:

It took me all of May to recover from my trip and get caught up at work, so Slicers were only forced to read 3 posts during the entire month. The Razor really hit its stride in June when we were inundated with political sex scandals to lampoon. Further, I'm quite proud of the E-viscerations I put on my Dad (here) and brother-in-law (here) in honor of their birthdays.

For the sake of brevity, I'll not repost much of this content, but will mention that I think these posts rank somewhere between very funny and insanely funny.

My formula for writing the Razor is quite simple. I think of a funny sentence and then do all sorts of mental gymnastics to write a page full of convoluted nonsensery that I can then embed my funny sentence into. With that in mind, I'll conclude with my "Top Ten Sentences"* and link the corresponding post, if you care to review...

10. The victims testimony should be interesting, and repetitive. From this post, where I wrote funny one-liners for all the headlines on that days Drudge Report.

4. Late at night, you can often find him in front of his TV watching an old VHS tape of the 1991 National Peanut Festival Calf Scramble where he grabbed a heifer and wrestled it across the finish line victoriously. Ironically, this is the same method he used to marry my sister. - From the birthday bash I put on Stevie (here).

3. If you only get necessary surgery, continue enjoying the Original Adam's Razor. - From my favorite post, "Adam's Razor Platinum®", detailing who qualifies to receive Platinum content.

2. I know Mrs. David is an advocate of buying "Carbon Offsets" to counteract her energy use. I wonder if there is anywhere she could purchase some "Disgusting Offsets"? From this post, discussing the affair between avid environmentalists Al Gore and Laurie David.

1. In South Carolina, showing pornography to a registered voter is called campaigning. - From this post, regarding Alvin Greene's pending charges.

Bene, cum Latine nescias, nolo manus meas in te maculare.

* Upon review, there was not a large enough quantity of high quality material to complete a conventional "Top Ten" list. So I used the Quinary (Base 5) mathmatical system to complete the task.